(My dad loves teasing people. Almost everyone who knows us knows this, but newcomers are sometimes never sure if they should take him seriously. One of our good family friends has just gotten married.)
Friend #1: *to his wife* “Don’t worry; he’s just trolling you.”
My Dad: *grins unrepentantly* “I’ve been trolling people since before it was called trolling!”
Friend #1: “Yeah, back then we just called them a**-holes.”
(It is before Google and Wikipedia are the go-to answers for everything. For a music class, I am supposed to create a taped recording of my research essay and have bits of the artist’s songs play at intervals. My topic is John Lennon.)
Me: “Dad, which of The Beatles is the lead singer for ‘Let it Be?'”
Dad: “Is this for your Lennon project?”
Me: “Yeah. I like the solo in the middle, but I don’t want to play a Paul song by mistake.”
Dad: “Make sure you include something about how important Lennon’s music was during the war years.”
Me: “I have in the essay. But I need to know—”
Dad: “You know, Lennon’s music had some major influence in how public opinion swayed during the Vietnam War.”
Me: “Yep. But I just—”
Dad: “You should use ‘Imagine.’ That is hands-down one of the most influential songs ever written. No doubt about that.”
Me: “I was planning that during the section on his solo years. But I just want to know who sings—”
Dad: “I actually heard of a cover of ‘Imagine’ on the radio the other day. A cover! No respect for a classic!”
Mom: *trying to talk over my dad* “Didn’t you look up The Beatles catalogue in your research?”
Me: “It only said it’s written by Lennon and McCartney.”
Dad: “‘Give Peace a Chance!’ A message we all still need to heed today!”
Me: “Uh-huh. I’ll settle for give listening a chance.”
This story is part of our Beatles roundup!
Me: “Let me borrow your computer for a bit. I need to check my email.”
Brother: “Fine.”
(I sit down and type in my username and password, with my brother hovering over my shoulder. I type fast, but my brother’s eyes are faster.)
Brother: “Hey! Is your password ‘mybrosmells’?!”
Me: “Eh heh… no?”
(It was.)
(My girlfriend and I are both women, and are kissing and cuddling in my bedroom before I take a shower. I grab my things and begin to leave the room, only to remember that my girlfriend is in no way decent, and can be seen from the hall. We are temporarily living at my parents’ place.)
Me: “S***! Hon, find a place to hide so I can get out of here.”
Girlfriend: “Like where?”
Me: “Um… the closet! Just go in there!”
Girlfriend: “Wait… you’re putting me back in the closet?!”
Me: “You can come out in a few seconds! Just hang on!”
(I bolt out of the bedroom and then realize the joke, so I shout behind me.)
Me: “You can come out of the closet now, love!”
(I am an eight-year-old girl. My family is having dinner.)
Dad: “So, what did you learn about in school today? Anything interesting?”
Me: “Yeah! We learned in science class about sea animals!”
Mom: “Sea animals, you mean like fish and clams?”
Me: “No, like octopus!”
Dad: “And what did you learn about them?”
Me: “That they have these really long arms; the teacher called them a funny name. Tent… test… testicles!”
Mom: *nearly spits out her mouthful*
Me: “What?”
Dad: “I don’t think that’s what you meant, honey.”
