(A little boy is talking about his parents. His father is tall and slender, but his mother is quite short and plump.)

Boy: “Daddy’s like a carrot, and mummy’s like a pumpkin!”

(I am female. I have three sisters, but I’m a bit of a tomboy.)

Boyfriend: “Your father didn’t need a boy; he had you. That’s why I love you.”

Me: “Do you?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, you’re like a guy but with no penis!”

Me: “That would be the perfect woman?”

Boyfriend: “Totally!”

(My dad loves teasing people. Almost everyone who knows us knows this, but newcomers are sometimes never sure if they should take him seriously. One of our good family friends has just gotten married.)

Friend #1: *to his wife* “Don’t worry; he’s just trolling you.”

My Dad: *grins unrepentantly* “I’ve been trolling people since before it was called trolling!”

Friend #1: “Yeah, back then we just called them a**-holes.”

(I am an eight-year-old girl. My family is having dinner.)

Dad: “So, what did you learn about in school today? Anything interesting?”

Me: “Yeah! We learned in science class about sea animals!”

Mom: “Sea animals, you mean like fish and clams?”

Me: “No, like octopus!”

Dad: “And what did you learn about them?”

Me: “That they have these really long arms; the teacher called them a funny name. Tent… test… testicles!”

Mom: *nearly spits out her mouthful*

Me: “What?”

Dad: “I don’t think that’s what you meant, honey.”

(My husband and I have been discussing something, and I make an assumption.)

Husband: “You know what they say about assuming something; it makes an a** out of you—”

Me: “—and me!” *I pause for a second* “No, wait…”