(My family and I are watching a murder mystery movie starring Hercule Poirot, a Belgian detective with a distinctive mustache. His name has been said countless times during the movie and we have said his name as well. We are halfway through the movie when my younger brother speaks.)

Brother: “So, is that guy Sherlock?”

(I’m at home with my boyfriend. I had just shaved my legs earlier today and I’m busy admiring their softness.)

Me: “Seriously, feel how soft I am!”

(My boyfriend rubs my leg.)

Boyfriend: “Yeah…  It’s like you kicked a soccer ball made of razor blades and it didn’t cut you!”

(A friend is moving to the area. She has been out house hunting with my partner for the day. I am at home having a sewing bee with about ten local woman. They walk into the lounge room.)

Me: “Hi, [Friend]. Would you like me to introduce everyone?”

Friend: “Why? Will I need to know their names?”

Me: “… Not anymore.”

(My father, fresh out of a divorce, has recently married another woman after only knowing her for a few months. Needless to say, my little sister and I are in shock. We’re discussing the whole thing at the kitchen table.)

Me: “It’s pretty obvious that she married him for his money. And it’s also pretty likely that he married her for sex.”

Sister: “So, it’s a prostitute marriage!”

Me: *blinks* “Um, what?!”

Sister: “He married her because he’s lonely and she’s good in bed, and she married him to take his money. That’s like a prostitute, right?”

Me: “Um…”

Sister: “Only it’s permanent. Kinda…”

(My brother is six years old.)

Mom: “Okay, today we’re going to visit [Name].”

Brother: “Who is that, mommy?”

Mom: “Your godfather.”

Brother: *looks awed*

(We visit, then leave to go back home. On the way back…)

Brother: “I’m so glad that he’s my godfather, mommy!”

Me: “Do you know what a godfather does?”

Brother: “Yeah, of course!”

Me: “What?”

Brother: “He is… like God, so he can do anything! All powerful! Duh!”