(I’m highly articulate, but not especially emotional. This sometimes causes problems where I am misunderstood. My roommate and good friend has recently related to me that she had been uncertain whether or not we were friends until one evening, when it came to her like a revelation.)
Roommate: “We had chatted for a while and hung out together. It wasn’t until that one night when you were off work earlier than I was, but you stayed after to talk to me until I was done working. Then I knew that we were friends.”
(This is a strange concept to me, as I had thought it was more obvious who I did and did not like. One day, I am asked to drive a mutual friend to run an errand. This is a new friend, and we laugh and talk about things that we have in common. I later talk to my roommate about the trip.)
Me: “I really like [New Friend]. We should hang out more.”
Roommate: “Oh, good. I was just talking with [New Friend] about that. It seems she had no idea you guys were friends until you took her to run that errand, and you had a good time.”
(I may start issuing cards that say, “Congratulations! We are friends now!”)
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(My boyfriend and I are texting each other back and forth. I mention that I’m tired but I can’t go to bed yet because all of my pajamas are in the dryer and I don’t like sleeping naked when I’m by myself. We are both excruciatingly poor at the moment and running WAY out of gas, so we haven’t seen each other in over a week.)
Boyfriend: “Don’t make me risk driving to [Town] and running out of gas to sleep next to you naked tonight.”
Me: “Well, think about it. How many miles to the gallon does your car get?”
Boyfriend: “Wait, are you trying to convince me?”
Me: “I’m helping you through a thought process. Work with me here. What MPG does your car get?”
Boyfriend: “20-23 on average.”
Me: “Okay. So. When your gas light comes on, it usually means you have a gallon of gas left in your tank. So you should be able to make it 20 miles without running out of gas. From your house to mine is 18.3 miles, and takes about 20 minutes. Not to mention it’s after midnight so your paycheck may have gone through already. That being said, my laundry will probably finish before you get here anyway. I’ll be in bed asleep in my pajamas by the time you would get here. Plus, you have to turn around and go to work tomorrow morning. You would only get to spend about an hour of awake time with me. You have to decide. It takes a gallon of gas to get here, and a gallon to get back. Gas is about $3.50 right now. It may be higher in Lewisville; I don’t know. So it would be $7 and 40 minutes of your time to spend about an hour of awake time and sleep in my bed with me. And I probably wouldn’t even be naked.”
Boyfriend: “I’m willing to chance it.”
(Half an hour later he showed up at my door! He’s a keeper!)
(My fiancée has just finished making dinner and enters the bedroom to get me.)
Fiancée: “Dinner’s ready! But it turned out spicier than I thought it would. I didn’t put that much pepper in it.”
Me: “Well, what else did you put in it?”
Fiancée: “Um… I put in some chili powder.”
Me: “Well, that might have something to do with it.”
Fiancée: “But I didn’t use that much! And chili powder’s not hot!”
Me: “Um… it comes from the chili pepper.”
Fiancée: “But not all chilis are hot! I use chili powder all the time in my… um… turkey… stew… thing…”
Me: “Do you mean your chili?”
Fiancée: “Yes!”
Me: “Did you seriously forget that the dish you use chili powder in is called chili?”
Fiancée: “Yes!”
(My younger sister has recently come home from a religious retreat. She and my mom are arguing about my sister being allowed to swear.)
Mom: “No! You shouldn’t swear. I don’t care if you do it with your friends, but you shouldn’t swear around adults! No one will respect you.”
Sister: “But adults swear around me!”
Mom: “Name one.”
Sister: “Besides you, Dad, and [My Name]?”
Mom: “[My Name] isn’t an adult.”
Sister: “Yes, he is. He’s 21!”
Mom: “Oh, yeah. Fine, name someone outside of the family who has sworn in front of you.”
Sister: “The priest!”
Mom: “What?”
Sister: “The priest at the retreat today dropped the ‘a-word.’ And I can’t think of someone who gets more respect.”
(My mom just kind of stood there stammering. I had to leave the room because I was laughing so hard.)
(My partner and I are lying in bed.)
Me: “Hello, pretty face.”
Partner: “Hello, sexy mind.”
Me: “You have sexy mind, too. Let’s have mind sex!”
(We begin banging our heads against each other.)
Partner: “Ow!”
Me: “WHY DID WE DO THAT?!”
