(My two older sisters and I are setting up to play a board game where you can get married, get a job, and have kids. There are little plastic people representing yourself and your family that sit in little plastic cars. Sometimes we like to play as fictional characters. Sister #1 happens to really like Legolas and Tauriel from ‘The Hobbit.’)

Me: “[Sister #1], are you gonna play as yourself or as Legolas?”

Sister #1: “I’ll play as myself.” *pause* “Am I allowed to have two spouses?”

Me: “I guess. Why?”

Sister #1: “I want to marry both Legolas and Tauriel.”

Sister #2: “I’m marrying a centaur.”

Me: “Fine. I’m gonna marry Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

(My mom, who has been sitting nearby, speaks up.)

Mom: “I never thought I would hear my children say that.”

(My partner and I are lying in bed.)

Me: “Hello, pretty face.”

Partner: “Hello, sexy mind.”

Me: “You have sexy mind, too. Let’s have mind sex!”

(We begin banging our heads against each other.)

Partner: “Ow!”

Me: “WHY DID WE DO THAT?!”

(We have a lot of loud, obnoxious off-roaders behind our house. My three-year-old daughter is asking me a lot of questions.)

Daughter: “Why they were making so much noise?”

Me: *in a moment of frustration* “Because they are idiots.”

(Now, whenever she hears them riding back there, she comes running in saying:)

Daughter: “Mommy, the idiots are back! The idiots are back!”

(She had never actually seen them due to the privacy slats in our fence, until one day when she came running into the house.)

Daughter: “Mommy! Guess what? Those aren’t idiots! They’re people!”

(My three-year-old daughter comes running up to me.)

Daughter: “Mommy, I want something to drink.”

(I grab her and hug her.)

Me: “Do you love me?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “Really?”

Daughter: “Yes!”

Me: “You really love me?”

Daughter: “No. I want something to drink.”

(I’m highly articulate, but not especially emotional. This sometimes causes problems where I am misunderstood. My roommate and good friend has recently related to me that she had been uncertain whether or not we were friends until one evening, when it came to her like a revelation.)

Roommate: “We had chatted for a while and hung out together. It wasn’t until that one night when you were off work earlier than I was, but you stayed after to talk to me until I was done working. Then I knew that we were friends.”

(This is a strange concept to me, as I had thought it was more obvious who I did and did not like. One day, I am asked to drive a mutual friend to run an errand. This is a new friend, and we laugh and talk about things that we have in common. I later talk to my roommate about the trip.)

Me: “I really like [New Friend]. We should hang out more.”

Roommate: “Oh, good. I was just talking with [New Friend] about that. It seems she had no idea you guys were friends until you took her to run that errand, and you had a good time.”

(I may start issuing cards that say, “Congratulations! We are friends now!”)

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