(I am giving my four-year-old daughter a bath.)
Me: “Bath time is over.”
Daughter: “Not yet!”
Me: “Fine… two minutes.”
Daughter: “No, 85 minutes.”
Me: “No, two minutes.”
Daughter: “How about 85 minutes?”
Me: “How about 85 seconds?”
Daughter: “Okay!”
(I’m having a particularly stressful day. Nothing has gone quite as planned and my daughter has been a little hellion all day.)
Me: *on the verge of tears* “Is it an acceptable time to start drinking yet?”
Fiancé: “Um…” *he leaves and comes back with my clock* “Look! It’s after five!”
Me: “Yes!”
(I proceed to make myself a drink and sit down to drink it. After I finish, my fiancé picks the clock back up and gets his phone out.)
Me: “You changed the clock so I could have a drink?”
Fiancé: “Yup!”
Me: “Thank you!”
(I share a room with my younger sister. We have a significant age gap and until recently were not exactly close. Now we have bonded over some similarities and a love of a recent Disney film.)
Me: “Goodnight, [Sister].”
Sister: “Goodnight.”
(As usual, she finishes up on her handheld game console a little after I am settled down to sleep. After the usual noises of her clambering off her loft bed…)
Sister: “Love you, [My Name].”
(She lies on me over my covers and hugs me.)
Me: “This can’t be comfortable for you.”
(She just giggles.)
Me: “Someone has been getting ideas from somewhere.”
Sister: “The sky’s awake, so I’m awake!”
(I just sigh and wait for her to get bored. At least I know she likes me now!)
(My mum has three pairs of eyeglasses: driving, reading, and special sunglasses for her sensitivity.)
Mum: “Have you seen my glasses?”
Me: *without looking up* “On your head.”
Mum: “No, my reading glasses.”
(I turn to see that she has her driving glasses on her head, her sunglasses clipped onto her blouse and she’s wearing her reading glasses.)
Me: “On your face, mum.”
Mum: “Oh, maybe I need a pair to find this pair.”
Me: “Maybe. Didn’t you just drive to the shop?”
Mum: “Yes. I wondered why it was so blurry out…”
(My husband has an elderly aunt who is a nun. As her convent is far away and she can’t visit, she calls us regularly and sometimes speaks to our four-year-old daughter. She has called and is speaking to my husband.)
Husband: “I’ll put [Daughter] on now, Aunty.”
Daughter: “Hello!”
Aunt: “What have you been up to?”
Daughter: “Um…”
Husband: *encouragingly* “Tell [Aunt] what words you can spell now.”
Daughter: “I can spell ‘devil’!”
(My husband then tried to explain to the nun that daughter was referring to her toy Tasmanian devil, and not Satan. I suspect we got extra prayers from her that night.)
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