(I am a cashier at a well-known home improvement store. I’m working the closing shift in our garden register during summer, and am the only register open. We have a wide range of displays of water fountains up for customers to see them working, to decide if they want to buy one for their yard. A customer walks in and stands in front of fountains for several minutes looking at them before coming over to me.)

Customer: “Hey, I’m trying to get a fountain for my yard, and I had a quick question. Do you know much about them?”

Me: “Well, I’ve only been trained as a cashier but I’ll answer what I can.”

Customer: “Great! I just wanted to know, is the water included?”

(I can’t believe the customer is asking this question, so I joke with him.)

Me: “No, sir. You buy the water separate.”

Customer: “Oh, how much is it?”

Me: “Do you have a sink at home?”

Customer: “Yes. Why?”

Me: “Then the water is free.”

(The customer looks confused until he suddenly realizes what he’s asked.)

Customer: “Oh!”

(I visit a lighting store because I need a chain from which to hang a heavy stained glass lamp.)

Me: “Hi, I’ve got a really heavy stained glass lamp to hang from the ceiling. It’s probably about 20 pounds and I’m looking for some chain.”

Worker: *holds up some chain* “What about this?”

Me: “Is that going to be strong enough to support it?”

Worker: “Well, if it isn’t, bring it back and we’ll give you a refund.”

Me: “Hi, may I help you find something today?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah. Where do you have your ceiling propellers?”

Me: “Do you mean ceiling fans?”

Customer: “No, I’m looking for ceiling propellers.”

(I assume that she is looking for ceiling fans anyway, and point her towards them.)

Me: “Is that what you’re looking for?”

Customer: “Oh yes! There’s your ceiling propellers. I thought you sold them!”

(Every year, my town hosts Sundance, which tends to bring some strange people along with it. I am the only one working in a very small paint store, right before close. A customer comes in and proceeds to look around the store for about 15 minutes.)

Me: “I am sorry, sir. We are getting ready to close. Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “I am looking for stuff to make a pipe.”

Me: “Well, sir, we do have some stuff to fix plumbing pipes.”

Customer: “No! I need to make a pipe to smoke out of.”

Me: “Uh, we really don’t have anything like that.”

Customer: “What the h*** kind of hardware store is this?!”

Me: “…A paint store?”

Customer: “Oh… then, can I buy some spray paint to get high on?”

Me: “No, sir. That is illegal.”

Customer: “Even during Sundance?”

Me: “Especially during Sundance!”

Customer: “Buzzkill!” *walks out*

(I am a cashier at a popular home improvement store, and on this particular day I am working on refunds. A customer comes into the store pushing in a new ride-on lawn mower.)

Me: “Good morning, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “Your incompetent associates sold me this tractor, and it doesn’t even work! I demand a refund?”

Me: “No problem, sir. May I see your receipt?”

Customer: “I don’t have my receipt, but I bought it yesterday. All I want to do is get another, and I need it NOW!”

Me: “Well, I need to call an associate from the department to see what is wrong with the tractor. Maybe it can easily be fixed.”

(I phone a season associate and he comes over to look at the tractor. He proceeds to ask the customer what is wrong with it.)

Customer: “I spent thousands of dollars on this. You…” *points to seasonal associate* “…sold me this piece of s***! I turned the key and it doesn’t even turn on!”

Other Associate: “Sir, there’s no gas in it.”

Customer: “Of course there’s no gas in it! Give me a working one NOW!”

Other Associate: “It needs gas to run. You know, like a car.”

(The customer angrily argues that gas will not fix the problem and refuses to listen. My fellow associate takes it outside, puts gas in it and it starts right away. The other associate walks in alone and the customer drives off with his working tractor.)

Me: “Is it going to be that kind of day?”

Other Associate: “Yep, I think so. Put gas in it and it’s working just fine. Guy was too embarrassed to come in and apologize!”