Customer: “I’m looking for a light for over my dining table. Can you help me?”

Me: “Sure!” *we determine how big her table and room are, and set off to look at our stock* “Did you have a particular style in mind?”

Customer: “Well, what are people buying these days?”

Me: “It varies with personal taste, but…” *I gesture to one particularly popular modern chandelier* “…this one has been a good seller for us recently.”

Customer: “That’s awful! Who would buy that?”

Me: “Okay, well, did you have something more like this in mind?” *I lead her to another very popular piece, this one quite classic*

Customer: “It’s so ugly. I’d never have that in my house!”

Me: “Would you mind if I asked what in particular is turning you off? I’d like to get a better feel for your style.”

Customer: “I don’t know. I just hate it!”

Me: “Okay, how about this one?” *this goes on for a while, with me pointing out lights of various styles and colours, and her harshly vetoing all of them without giving any reasons*

Customer: “These are all hideous! I don’t understand why you’re showing these to me. Where are your nice ones? Do they only make ugly chandeliers these days?”

Me: “Well, it seems like the best idea would be to let you browse, and see if anything catches your eye. Even if something is close to what you’re looking for, it will give us a jumping-off point. We also have lots of catalogues too, if you’d like to take a look there.”

Customer: “But you’re supposed to be helping me! What kind of salesperson are you? I didn’t come here to look at some stupid catalogues. I don’t know what to pick! You’re supposed to tell me! What would you pick for your house?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but I only like ‘hideous’ things, so I doubt my advice would be helpful. I have other things to attend to, but I’ll be just over here if you need me.”

Customer: *storms out*

(I bought a bed at Ikea and at the center it needed a piece of wood to sustain the weight. Just my luck, the part that came from IKEA was 10 cm too short. So I go to one of those large home-improvement stores where they sell everything you might need and will even cut the wood in the size you require, for free. I show the part to the employee and explain:)

Me: “I need a piece of wood just like this, but with 20 cm instead of 10 cm.”

Employee: “Sorry, we can’t. Our machine only cuts a minimum of 23 cm.”

Me: “You’re telling me there is no way you can cut a piece of wood exactly 20 cm?”

Employee: “That’s right.”

(I am a bit confused and walk around the store for a bit. At some point I pick up a 260 cm piece of wood and take it to the cutting area.)

Me: “Can you cut this exactly 240cm ?”

Employee: “Sure, give a few minutes.”

(He did and when he got back I had my 20 cm piece of wood to finish assembling the bed.)

(I am working in the plumbing department of a big home improvement store. A customer comes to me on a busy weekend afternoon and asks about how to replace a toilet. I go through the steps. As I do so, he regularly interrupts to challenge what I’m saying.)

Me: “You have to set the toilet down straight to ensure a good seal. Hold it by the sides here and stand like this.”

Customer: “No, that’s not right.”

Me: “Yes, it is, because if you set it down on an angle the wax seal is squished and can’t bounce back.”

Customer: “Hmm.”

(And so on. This goes on for some time until finally he challenges what I say and instead of explaining, I ask how he plans on doing this.)

Customer: “Oh, I’m not doing anything. I’m an accountant; I don’t know anything about plumbing. I’m having someone else do it but I want to be able to challenge them and look like I know what I’m talking about.”

Me: “Morning, sir! Can I help you find anything?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a part for a lamp.”

Me: “Well, we don’t carry a lot of parts, but there’s always a possibility that I’ll have it. What is it that you’re looking for?”

Customer: *describes part*

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry but we don’t carry anything like that. Unfortunately it’s not even something I can order, since our suppliers wouldn’t carry anything like it, either. I’m not even sure where to send you for it since it’s a bit unusual. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help!”

Customer: Oh. Well, see, it’s…” *describes part again*

Me: “I’m sorry if I was unclear. I know what part you’re looking for, I just don’t have it.”

Customer: “Maybe you have one in the back. It looks like…” *describes part again*

Me: “I know exactly the piece you’re describing. I’m sorry, but I’m 100% sure that we don’t have it. I can show you our parts department if you like. It’s pretty limited since we don’t do our own repairs here.”

(I take the customer to the back, where they look for the part themselves.)

Customer: “I don’t see it here. It’s…” *describes part yet again*

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t know what to tell you. You don’t see it because I don’t have it. I have never had it. I will never have it. If you do ever find a place that carries it, let me know so that I have somewhere to send people in the future. Right now, I can’t do anything for you.”

(The customer gears up to begin their description again. My manager has witnessed the whole exchange and speaks up:)

Manager: “You should go to [Big Box Chain].”

Customer: “Oh, wow, thanks!” *leaves*

Me: “I didn’t know [Big Box Chain] carried things like that! Thanks, [Manager]!”

Manager: “Oh, [Big Box Chain] won’t have it either. I just figured he could go bug them for a while.”

(When I bought my house, I got a home warranty that’s basically an HMO for houses. If I need repair to something covered, I call a central number and they send out a repair person from the appropriate business: plumber, electrician, whatever. So one morning, I wake up and go out to my living room and my ceiling fan has come loose from its moorings and is just hanging there by the wires. After freaking out a bit, I called the home warranty folks.)

Me: “Uh, yeah, I have home warranty number [my info here], and I need… I guess an electrician, ASAP. My ceiling fan in my living room is hanging from the ceiling by its wiring.”

Scheduler: “Okay, I’ve got someone from [Business] who can come out on Monday.” *It’s Thursday*

Me: “No, I don’t think you understand. It is HANGING by its WIRING. In the middle of my living room. Where it could fall, possibly on people, at any time. This is really kind of an emergency.”

(So, after some wrangling, I get them to dispatch someone to come out within the next couple of hours. I can tell they’re using their “humoring the crazy lady” voices, but I don’t even care, because this really is an emergency, although it sort of boggles me that they don’t seem to get that. So later that day, the electrician shows up, and I show him into the room with the fan — and he stops dead in the doorway, gaping.)

Electrician: “HOOOOOLLLLEEEEE…! It’s really hanging by the wires!”

Me: “That’s what I said! About how I said it, too.”

Electrician: “I’ve been doing this 16 years, and about once a month we get a ‘hanging by the wires’ call, and every other time, it’s just been that the canopy that covers up the attachment fell down, but the actual down-rod is still in place. I’ve never seen one before that actually was hanging by the wires.”

Me: “Well, that does explain why the scheduler seemed a lot less bothered than I thought the situation warranted!”

Electrician:“Yeah, they probably thought it was the usual crazy… Uh.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh, no offense. Because clearly crazy customer stories are nothing to do with ME, right?”

(At this point he’s laughing, too.)

Electrician: “Right! You mind if I take a picture before I get started? Otherwise they’re never going to believe this back at the office. It’s NEVER the wiring!”