Their Brain Is Offline

, , , , | Right | May 9, 2018

(I work in a home improvement store.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Where are your pools?”

Me: “I don’t think we carry pools in the store.”

Customer: “Yes, you do. I saw them online.”

Me: “Yes, we have several, but they are indeed online.”

Customer: “So, where are they?”

Me: “They are online only.”

Customer: “But where are they in the store? I know you have them because I saw them online.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we only carry a few pool accessories in the store, like pool salt.”

Customer: “Oh, then would the pools be by the salt, then?”

Me: “No, all of our pools are online only.”

Customer: *to a different employee walking by* “Excuse me. Where are your pools?”

She Almost Blue Up

, , , , , | Right | May 2, 2018

(A customer comes in with a microwave in its box in their cart.)

Me: “Hi, how we doing today?”

Customer: “Crappy.”

Me: *lifting the microwave box out* “So, what was the reason for this return?”

Customer: “It blew.”

Me: “Blew up? Well, that’s not good. Were you using it at the time?”

Customer: “NO. It’s not blown up.”

Me: “But you said it blew.”

Customer: “Listen here, you moron: it’s blue. B. L. U. E.”

(This prompts me to blink and then raise an eyebrow. As I start to open the box, my manager comes over, and the customer begins to get in a huff.)

Customer: “What, you don’t trust me? You’re just racist like everyone else.”

Me: “Honestly, I’m just curious. I’ve never seen a blue microwave before.”

(She starts going off on a rant about how we’re obviously racist, while my manager shoots me a quizzing look. I shrug and open the box, then pull out the foam.)

Customer: “I knew I shouldn’t have come here, with you stupid racists. I’m going to complain. You idiots don’t know what you’re doing. I wanted stainless steel, and that moron back there sold me a blue microwave.”

(At this point, I know exactly what’s wrong, and try to chime in, only to have her yell at me to shut up. The manager is trying to explain, but she’s not hearing it. Halfway through her latest rant, I finally manage to get a bit of the film up, and I grab it and pull hard. There’s a LOUD ripping sound, revealing the stainless steel underneath. The customer looks at me in shock, and I shrug.)

Me: “It’s not blue now. The film, you see: you have to take it off. It protects the stainless steel.”

(The woman reluctantly took the microwave back. About twenty minutes later, while I was at lunch, the lady’s husband came back. My manager came looking for me, and I came out. The lady’s husband handed me a large pizza from the local pizza place, and then chuckled, saying that he’d tried to explain it to her, but she wouldn’t listen to him. The pizza was her idea to apologize for making an idiot of herself. Free lunch. I can’t complain.)


Have you lost all faith in humanity? Well, misery loves company. Join us at our Antisocial collection in the NAR Store!

English To Gibberish Dictionaries On Aisle Four

, , , , | Right | April 30, 2018

(A customer approaches a coworker and I standing together.)

Customer: *while twirling his fingers around* “Do you have one of those things that’s like a shape with holes and feet? It’s kind of like a–” *gestures* “…but not a circle?”

Coworker: “Uh…” *while turning and pointing to me*

Me: “Yep, conduit clamps; aisle three, about a quarter way up on the left.”

(I walk that way with the customer and the coworker following behind.)

Me: “Here they are, in a variety of sizes.”

Customer: “Yes, this is exactly what I was looking for. I asked two other people, and they didn’t know what I was talking about. Thank you so much.”

(As I’m walking back to my department with the coworker again….)

Coworker: “Thanks. I knew if anyone here was fluent in spoken and signed gibberish, it would be you.”

Using A Different Rule Of Thumb

, , , , | Right | April 3, 2018

(A female customer orders three six-foot-long boards. When she leaves, she looks happy with her purchase. She returns around an hour later, very angry, hitting her boards across the doorway.)

Customer: “DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO MEASURE PROPERLY, DUMBA**?”

Me: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I ordered three six-foot-long boards for my shelving, not three twelve-foot-long boards! I want a d*** refund and my new boards free!”

(I look at the boards. There is no way they could be twelve feet long.)

Me: “These look like they’re the correct length.”

Customer: “NO, THEY’RE NOT, YOU LITTLE S***. LOOK!”

(She pulls out a smartphone and opens a photo of a ruler in her gallery. She slides the phone across the board, counting.)

Customer: “SEE? SEE? IT’S DOUBLE WHAT I ASKED FOR!”

Me: “…”

This Request Can Kiss The Dust

, , , , , , | Working | March 27, 2018

After the events of Hurricane Irma and Jose, my Boy Scout Troop decides to help in a donation effort to make “cleanup buckets” filled with supplies for those there. I’m assigned to get dust masks for the bucket. Bear in mind that the store I go to has the lumber section all the way at the far end, while the paint section is close to the entrance.

After arriving, I have absolutely no idea where the dust masks would be. I go up to an employee, who tells me bulk-packaged dust masks are in the lumber section. I run down there… and nothing. I ask another employee, who says that the masks are by the paint section… where I started. I check there, and nothing again. After a lot more checking and running between the two sections, I finally ask an employee who directs me to neither of the sections, but rather an area near lumber by a non-used checkout line. I find the dust masks there, finally.

The funniest part? Where the dust masks were, they would have been in plain view of the second employee. Thanks to the last employee who helped me find the masks… and thanks to the first two employees for giving me my daily exercise!

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