What Home Isn’t Improved With Milk?

, , , | Right | October 27, 2018

(It is a half-hour before the home improvement store where I work closes for the night.)

Customer: “Where is the milk?”

Me: “We don’t sell milk. “

Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t sell milk? “

Me: “We don’t sell milk. We never have. Try the [Store #1] next door, or the [Store #2] across the street.”

Customer: “Not any food anywhere in the whole store?”

Me: “We have chips and pop up at the registers.”

(The customer stared at me, confused, for a while before finally leaving.)

Get Behind Me, Pikachu!

, , , , | Right | October 7, 2018

(I am working the registers. Work has provided employees with foam cups to refill at water coolers near the registers when we are not busy. Between customers, I have drawn different water-type Pokémon and water-related Pokémon items on my cup. I happen to see an elderly customer approaching with a cart, stop drawing, and set my cup near the screen.)

Me: “Good evening. Did you find everything?”

Customer: “Yes, I di—”

(She turns to see my screen as I start scanning her items, and then gasps).

Me: “Is something wrong?”

Customer: *points at my cup* “What the f*** did you draw all over your cup?!”

Me: “Oh, just some things from a video game.”

Customer: “You drew Pokémon all over it! Don’t you know they are satanic?! There are children here! I demand you throw it away!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m not going to throw it away.”

Customer: “Well, then, I’ll just find your manager and he’ll fire you!”

(I chuckle mentally as a few moments ago the front end manager complimented my drawings, but I decide to take my cup and “throw it away,” only to set it under my counter.)

Customer: *smirking* “I knew that’d change your mind. Now, why don’t you be a good, God-fearing citizen…”

(She forces a pamphlet at me as I resume scanning her items. She rants and raves about Pokémon, demons, gays, and the like.)

Me: *gritting my teeth, knowing that I shouldn’t lose my temper at work* “Your total is [total].”

Customer: “And my military discount?”

Me: “May I see your ID?”

Customer: “I don’t have it; every other cashier just give it to me!”

Me: “Sorry, but I’ve been informed to ask every time.”

Customer: “THIS IS BECAUSE YOU ARE A F****** SATAN-WORSHIPPER AND I’M A GOD-FEARING CITIZEN!”

Me: “If you are such a ‘God-fearing citizen,’ then you should know how to ‘obey the laws of the land.'”

(The customer mutters a few more curses before tossing me her money and storming out.)

Customer #2: “Wow… I saw you drawing on your cup; it’s a shame she made you throw it away.”

Me: “Zoroark and God aren’t the only ones that know Illusion.”

(I pulled out my cup and put it where it was before checking out his item.)

Inconsideration On Tap

, , , , | Right | October 4, 2018

(I work in a home improvement store, and it’s a fairly busy afternoon in the kitchen and bath department. I have been helping a few customers select their bathroom faucets without too much problem, but then comes this customer.)

Me: “Hi, what can I help you with today?”

Customer: “I’d like to see the connection of this faucet. Can you open the box?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I take out my box cutter and open it for him so he can properly inspect the product. After about five minutes of examining, he puts everything back in the box, but not exactly the same way as before it was opened, which makes closing the box properly impossible.)

Customer: “Okay, I’ll take it, but I want a new box.”

Me: “What’s wrong with this one?”

Customer: “It’s opened. I’d rather have a closed one.”

Me: “But I opened it for you. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

Customer: “But I’d rather have a new one.”

(In my store, an open box usually means a returned item, and no one usually buys it unless I do some type of markdown. I want to avoid having an open-box product on the shelf.)

Me: “This is new. I just opened it, and you just inspected it.”

Customer: “So? I just want one in a closed box.”

Me: “Aren’t you just going to open this when you get home? What difference does it make if you just take the one you looked at?”

Customer: “No one wants an open-box item; just give me a new one, sealed.”

(I sighed and handed a sealed box to the customer. I had to treat the open-box product as a return and put a reduced-price sticker on it so it would have a chance of selling.)

They’re Not Going Far In Life

, , , , , | Right | September 12, 2018

(We not only rent equipment, but sell bulk material — topsoil, sand, and gravels, etc. We load customers’ vehicles, but cannot tie down loads or do maintenance on their vehicles for liability reasons. A customer has just had a large, top-heavy piece of equipment loaded into the bed of a pickup.)

Me: “Okay, you’re good to go as soon as you tie that down.”

Customer #1: “Oh, I don’t have anything to tie it with. Do you have any ropes?”

Me: “No, unfortunately, we don’t do that anymore as they were never returned. All we have is twine, and you’re welcome to that.”

Customer #1: “It’s okay; I’m not going far.”

(Later, another customer has just had half a yard of gravel loaded into a utility trailer that looks like it hasn’t been on the road since the 1950s. The threadbare tires are so flat that the trailer is practically riding on the rims.)

Me: “Ooh, that doesn’t look good. If you can pull around to our service bay, we have an air hose so you can top the tires up.”

Customer #2: “It’s okay; I’m not going far.”

(Later, yet another customer has rented a 40-foot extension ladder — 20 feet long and quite heavy. He has us put it on top of an old compact car with no roof rack. We give him some cardboard to protect what’s left of his paint.)

Me: “Okay, you’re good to go as soon as you tie it down.”

Customer #2: “I don’t have any rope. Can’t you do that?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we can’t; you have to do that.”

Customer #2: “Well, what do I do?”

Me: “Well, we can give you as much twine as you need, but you have to tie it down yourself.”

(The customer takes about half an hour and half a mile of twine to strap down a ladder that’s far longer than his car. Finally, he’s done.)

Me: “Are you sure that’s going to hold it?”

Customer #2: “Sure. Besides, I’m not going far.”

(The customer was traveling to another town about 30 kilometers away. Sadly, just about everyone who failed to understand their responsibility to safely transport goods or equipment had the same answer: “I’m not going far.” We had a running joke that there must be a vast, subterranean city beneath us, as nobody seemed to ever go “far,” and feared for those who had to share the road with these stunned weekend warriors.)

What A PIN-Head

, , , , , | Right | September 12, 2018

(A customer walks up to my cash register.)

Me: “How are you doing today? Did you find everything all right?”

Customer: *abruptly* “No, I’m in a hurry.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that; I will have you out of here as quick as I can!”

(I ring up his purchase quickly and then wait for him to pay. He pulls out a card.)

Me: “If it’s debit you use the chip reader; if it’s credit you slide the card.”

Customer: “It’s debit.” *swipes the card*

(The screen puts up the message I just told him and tells him to put the card in the chip reader.  I also repeat what I just said. He ignores me and swipes three more times.)

Customer: “Why the f*** isn’t this working?”

Me: “Because it’s debit, sir; you have to chip it.”

Customer: “Why the f*** didn’t you say that? You’re wasting my f****** time! I told you I was in a hurry.”

(I’ve learned at this point to not argue with customers and apologize to him for my lack of attention. He then enters the wrong debit pin, so his purchase is denied.)

Me: “Sir, it says you entered the wrong pin. Will you try again, please?”

Customer: “Are you f****** stupid? You must be if you work here.”

(He re-enters his pin wrong two more times and I hesitantly tell him it’s still wrong, knowing he’s getting angrier and angrier.)

Customer: “What the f*** is wrong with you? You’re doing this on purpose, you stupid b****! Give me my f****** purchases right now!”

(His wife, who is apparently still looking around, walks up.)

Customer’s Wife: “What’s wrong?”

(His attitude immediately changes.)

Customer: *fake sweet* “Nothing, honey. I was just explaining to this young girl that she really should have been trained better before they put her up on the registers all by herself, as she obviously doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She keeps saying my PIN is wrong.”

Customer’s Wife: “Maybe that’s because we switched banks last week and you’re entering in the wrong PIN, and should apologize to her for being a condescending jerk.”

(He gets bright red and tries entering a different PIN, and this time the transaction goes through.)

Customer: *glares at me* “Nice to see you finally got your s*** together; you really wasted my time.”

(In a voice just as fake as the one he acquired when his wife showed up, I hand him his bag and apologize one more time.)

Me: “Sorry for not knowing your private personal bank information; you have a good day.” *huge fake grin*

(He blushes an even brighter red and snatches the bag out of my hands.)

Customer: “Whatever.” *stalks away, leaving his wife behind*

Customer’s Wife: *genuinely apologetic* “Sorry, sweetie.”

Me: “It’s okay; he’s not the worse I’ve had by far.”

Customer’s Wife: “Now I’m even more sorry. What’s wrong with people nowadays? If it’s any consolation, I’m going to burn his dinner tonight.”

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