Time To Draw A Line In The Sand

, , , , , | Right | September 28, 2017

(I’m a cashier. An older lady comes up with her grown son, looking for construction sand. The son explains that there are only two bags left in the bay where the sand is kept, and they need eight. I radio the back and the backlot staff tell me they need about ten minutes to bring more over with a forklift. Ten minutes go by, and the pallet still has not arrived. The mother checks back with me and I give the back a call. They tell me the forklift was in use and they are waiting for it. I tell the customers it will be a bit longer. Another ten minutes pass, and the mother is getting visibly annoyed and muttering under her breath.)

Mother: “I can’t believe it’s taking this long. We should have been out of here ten minutes ago. What kind of customer service is this?”

Son: “Mum, weren’t you just saying today that you want to make sure you don’t develop bad habits as you get older? This is how you end up as an angry old lady shouting at cashiers because your coupon is expired.”

(The mother shut up and waited patiently for the sand to arrive. The son flashed me a knowing smile as he paid. I get the feeling he’s worked retail before.)

Dummy Knobs For Dummies

, , , , , | Working | September 24, 2017

(I’m purchasing hardware for our new front door.)

Me: *to guy working in the hardware department* “Excuse me, can you answer a probably-obvious question about doorknobs?”

Hardware Guy: “Sure.”

Me: “We’re installing a new door. I’ve got this keypad-operated deadbolt so that we don’t have to worry about locking ourselves out anymore. Since the deadbolt has a keypad and an actual key, I don’t think we need a locking door-knob, as well, right? So… here’s just a plain doorknob with no lock on it. It’s labelled ‘hall/closet,’ but can you think of any reason why I can’t use it on an exterior door?”

Hardware Guy: “Well, it’s for interior doors because it doesn’t have a lock on it.”

Me: “Yeah, I get that. But I don’t need it to have a lock on it, because I’m buying a separate keypad deadbolt. What I’m asking is if, like, the metal is for some reason not designed for exterior elements. See, this one looks exactly like the doorknobs with keys that are labeled as ‘entry’ doorknobs, same metal and everything, so I’d think they’d handle the weather just as well, yeah?”

Hardware Guy: “Those are entry doorknobs because they have a lock and key. This one doesn’t have a lock, so it’s for interior doors.”

Me: “…yes, I can read the labels. Let me start over. I need a knob for my front door, but I don’t need it to have a lock. So, I’m asking if I can just use this ‘hall/closet’ one. Can you think of any reason it won’t hold up to exterior conditions or whatever?”

Hardware Guy: “If you don’t need it to lock, why don’t you just use a dummy knob, then?”

Me: “Hm… maybe. Wait, what do you mean by a dummy knob?”

Hardware Guy: “Just a knob bolted to the door. It doesn’t turn, since it’s just there as a handle.”

Me: “Uhhh… no… the door still needs a doorknob to latch the door. We’re not just going to keep the deadbolt locked anytime the door is shut.”

Hardware Guy: *clearly tired of me* “Well, why don’t you just buy the entry knob with a lock then?”

Me: *sighing* “Well, I’d rather not since it’s just one more key to keep track of, and we might accidentally lock the doorknob from the inside and then lock ourselves out of the house. Hence, the deadbolt with a keypad; it locks when we need it to lock, but we can’t lock ourselves out.”

Hardware Guy: “I still think that what you’re looking for is a dummy knob.”

Me: *muttering* “You’re a dummy knob…”

(I wander off and find an older no-nonsense-looking woman working in the next aisle over. I ask her the same question; does she know if there is any reason why this key-less interior doorknob wouldn’t work on our exterior door?)

Hardware Lady: “If you want to re-tool the lock, you’ll have to go see [Other Employee] in the door department.”

Me: “What? No, I don’t need to re-tool anything. I’m just trying to make sure that this doorknob will be okay on an entry door.”

Hardware Lady: “Oh, we sell entry doorknobs with their own keys. Did you look in the door hardware section?”

Me: “…yes. I just said I don’t need an entry doorknob with a lock, since I’m buying this keypad deadbolt. It opens with a code, or with its own key, so the doorknob itself doesn’t need to have a lock on it.”

Hardware Lady: “Well, don’t you want the key to be the same for your other door?”

Me: “…what other door?”

Hardware Lady: “Your back door. Don’t you want the keys to be the same?”

Me: “Our back door just locks from the inside… wait, never mind. This isn’t about my back door.”

Hardware Lady: “I guess I don’t understand what you’re asking.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s obvious.”

(I bought the doorknob.)

His Innuendo Sucks

, , , , , | Right | September 21, 2017

(I am working self-checkout at the time of this order. An older gentleman, probably around his early 80s, is having difficulty putting the cash into the bill slot, so I walk over to help him.)

Me: “Hello, sir, did you need any help with that?”

Customer: “Yes, I just can’t figure out where to put my money.”

(I hold my hand out for the money and put it in for him. The machines take the money very quickly, so I make a seemingly innocent comment as joke.)

Me: “Well, that certainly sucked it back very quickly, didn’t it?”

Customer: “Yeah, just like my wife!”

(I didn’t know what to say, so I just told him to have a good day and walked back to my till.)

Calling On The Spider Phone

, , , , | Right | September 19, 2017

(The shopping plaza our store is in also has a pet store. Because of this, the manager allows customers to bring in their pets. It’s an otherwise boring afternoon when I get this call…)

Me: “Kitchens.”

Caller: *sounds like a grade-school age kid* “Um, hello, I was in your store earlier and I, um, I think I lost my pet tarantula in your department.”

Me: “Pet… tarantula?”

Caller: “Yes, I bought him from the pet store, and he crawled out of his cage in your store.”

(I decide to play along. That pet store doesn’t carry tarantulas.)

Me: “Okay, I’ll look for him. Can I have your number so I can call you back when I find him?”

Caller: *panics* “No, I don’t want him anymore!”

Me: “Oooh, then can I keep him? I’ve always wanted a pet tarantula.”

Caller: *click*

Needs An Extendable Range Of Customer Service

, , , , | Working | August 31, 2017

(My wife, our child, and I are in a home improvement type of store getting a paint sample. While it’s mixing, we go to look at microwaves in the appliance department, as we know we will need to replace ours soon. My wife is looking for a specific kind that has an extendable range on it, since our current one [which is mounted over the stove] has a very short range hood on it. We don’t see any that have this feature, so she goes to ask an employee and comes back to where I’m standing, with the employee following. The employee looks to be about middle-aged, not a teenager or young person in anyway.)

Employee: “Extendable range hood… I don’t know what that is. I don’t know that they make something like that.”

(My wife is walking down the row of microwaves and finds one that has the word “Push” listed under the door. The range pops out underneath.)

Wife: “Oh, like this one. This is an extendable range. Do you have anymore like this?”

Employee: “Oh wow… what does this do?”

Me: “It catches the smoke and vapor that comes off cooking food from the stove.”

Employee: “Well, you learn something new everyday. I’m going to say we probably don’t have anymore like this.” *sees our baby in the stroller* “Oh, he is so cute. Look how he smiles.”

Me: “Yeah, he is cute. So, this one has four sensors and this one has seven. Is the extra three sensors worth the hundred dollars more?”

Employee: *still looking at our baby* “My daughter is sixteen, but I remember when she was this age.”

Me: “Great. Anyway, this is a 2400-watt microwave; is there any reason in the world why the average person would want this?”

Employee: “I used to tickle my nephew’s feet when he was a baby.”

Me: *to my wife* “She is not hearing a word I’m saying. Let’s go.”

Me: *to the employee* “All right, we’ll be going now.”

Employee: “My daughter and I are like the Gilmore Girls!”

(She continues to talk while we are leaving the area, and as we continue to get further away her volume gets louder so we can hear her. At this point, we have left the department and are heading back to the painting area.)

Employee: *yelling because of the distance* “Your baby is so cute though!”

(I don’t believe I’ll buy any appliances from her.)

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