Paint comes in sheens — not shiny to ultra-shiny. To make a color, we add tint — dye — to gallons of “tint base,” a semi-translucent goo that is lacking certain solid polymers — added by the tint — that actually makes it a paint. 

Customer: “I can’t find a sample of a color I bought last week. The color is ‘eggshell’ by [Paint Company].”

Me: “Sure, let me look up the color to get its number.” *Does so* “Sir? I cannot find the color; the only color close is ‘eggshell crème.’”

I get the sample.

Me: “Is this the color?”

The customer flings the sample back at me.

Customer:  “No! You sold me this paint last week and now you are refusing to help me?! I need the color sample for ‘eggshell’! I bought it here! It’s on [Paint Company]’s website!”

My coworker is on that website.

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, it’s not listed here. Are you sure it’s [Paint Company]’s color?”

Customer: “Of course, I’m sure! I am friends with the person who invented that paint. I only buy his paint! Find it!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t seem to have this color in our system or in any samples. Can you bring back the can so we can look at the label for the color formula?”

Customer: “You carry the color in the store! It’s right down there!”

He points down the paint aisle.

Me: “I assure you, we do not have that color pre-mixed.”

The customer marches down the aisle, grabs a gallon off the shelf, and slams in on the counter:

Customer: “This one!”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “Sir, that is just a sheen and a tint base. That is ‘eggshell’ sheen, which means it is not a shiny finish. That’s not a color. That’s not even paint. That is ‘deep base’ — what we add colorant to that makes paint.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! I know the guy who makes this and I know what I am talking about! This is paint and it has the perfect raw egg color. I painted my living room and dining room in this and my neighbor wants the color sample. You are obviously stupid. I will just take her the gallon.”

The customer left with paint while I just sighed.

It’s my first day working in a popular kitchenware shop, and I’m given the food prep section to manage, partly to learn the products but also because it’s one of the smaller sections, so an easy start for day one. Or so I thought…

A lady comes up the stairs to my section.

Customer: “Miss? Miss! I require assistance!”

I am slightly alarmed, thinking she’s hurt herself or something. Nope. She just wants help shopping. Okay, cool! Phew!

Me: “Absolutely, madam, how may I help?”

Customer: “I wish to purchase some of your marvellous microwaveable bowls. They’re perfect for my dinner party!”

Me: “Okay, great! They’re just over here.”

I take her to the only microwaveable bowls we sell, which happen to be red-coloured. The customer wrinkles her nose.

Customer: “Oh. Oh, what are those? No, I don’t want those. They’re so ugly! You sell clear ones. I know; I’m a regular shopper here.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, madam, but these are the only ones we sell. I am new here, however, so we may well have sold different ones in the past, as you say. But these are very good and will do the job just as well, I’m sure.”

Customer: “Oh, no, no, no. That’s just no good!”

She holds one and looks it over before putting it back.

Customer: “No, absolutely not. I can’t serve vegetables in something in such a horrible, garish red colour. It will clash with my carrots!”

Words failed me when I realised she wasn’t actually joking or trying to be funny in any way. I know everyone has their eccentricities, but refusing to buy something purely functional on its colour alone just struck me as odd. I mean, plastic, microwaveable dishes don’t really equate to Royal Doulton, y’know?

Our debit machines are a bit outdated and do not accept chip and PIN, instead requiring customers to swipe their cards. Many customers have a hard time wrapping their heads around this.

Customer: “I’ll use debit.”

Me: “Okay, please swipe your card with the stripe facing toward me.”

Customer: “Can I use the chip?”

Me: “No, please swipe your card with the stripe facing toward me.”

Customer: “But I have a chip.”

Me: “Our machines don’t take chips; please swipe your card with the stripe facing toward me.”

Customer: “Well, which way do I swipe it?”

Me: “Please swipe your card with the stripe facing toward me.”

My friend works as a carpenter. He builds patios for people and cuts everything on site. A customer insists on making conversation as my friend is cutting the wood. My friend responds occasionally to be polite but hopes the client takes the hint because he really shouldn’t be distracted.

Finally, my friend looks at the client as he’s addressing him and accidentally saws off the tip of his index finger. He shuts off the saw, still in shock. Both my friend and client stand still in shock for a minute or two.

Client: “Uh… Do you need a bandaid?”

Friend: “No… I need you to call the ambulance.”

Client: *After a minute* “Okay! I think I have a bandaid in the house!”

Friend: “Call. The. Ambulance!”

Client: “I’ll get you a bandaid!”

The client ran back into the house. My friend ended up calling for an ambulance himself. Luckily, they managed to save the finger and reattach it. He’s now a chef and runs his own restaurant.

I work for a gardening service. A new customer has called to complain about the state of their yard.

Customer: “This is a bunch of bulls***.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “My yard looks like absolute s***. I thought you were going to be fixing this.”

Me: “Well, what’s wrong with it, sir?”

Customer: “Everything! There are still weeds all over the place!”

Me: “According to our records, you just signed up with us two weeks ago.”

Customer: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “And we just made it out a week ago to do your first lawn application.”

Customer: “Yeah, and?”

Me: “How long had it been since you’d done anything with your yard?”

Customer: “Three years. What does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “You expected us to fix in one visit what has built up for at least three years?”

Customer: “Just fix it!”