Well, Mow My Lawn And Paint Me Purple

, , , | Right | August 8, 2018

(I work in the paint department of a local home improvement store. Our phone system has three options for callers: power equipment, paint, and retail. For some reason, callers never pay attention and just choose a random one. I usually get repair calls at the paint department. I figure I’ll have a little fun after the tenth time the wrong call comes through.)

Me: “Paint department. [My Name] speaking; how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, is my lawn mower ready for pickup?”

Me: “Oh, geez, sir, I don’t know. Let me go check the shaker to see if it’s done.”

Caller: “Wait… What!? What kind of operation are you runnin’ here?!”

Me: “It was a joke, sir. This is the paint department.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t want to paint my lawnmower! “

Me: “Okay, sir! I’ll just transfer you to repairs. You have a good day, now!”

Caller: “D*** kids, always trying to paint my lawnmower!”

It’s A (Lint) Trap!

, , , , | Right | July 12, 2018

(I am working returns when one of the customer service guys asks me to take a call. Picking up the phone, I speak to a rather nice, young-sounding woman who notes that she purchased a washer/dryer set when our store opened about six months ago, and everything ran fine until just recently. Now she’s having trouble with the dryer. She wants to know if her dryer is covered under warranty and what we might do to fix it. Since our policy is to find out as much about the problem before sorting out if it is covered or not, I ask a few questions.)

Me: “Does the dryer turn on?”

Woman: “Oh, yes. It’ll turn on just fine.”

Me: “Is it not heating or drying the clothing?”

Woman: “Oh, that works fine, I suppose.”

Me: “Well, that pretty much covers it. What exactly is the nature of your problem?”

Woman: “Well, it starts fine, but every time we use it, the d*** thing catches on fire.”

Me: “Fire?”

Woman: “Yeah. Fire. We have to shut it off and douse it, or it’d burn the house down.”

Me: “Uh… Yeah. Just curious, you know to empty the lint trap, right?”

Woman: “What’s a lint trap?”

(At that point I realized that not everyone should own appliances.)

Makes You Want To Soda Scream

, , , , | Right | July 10, 2018

(A customer comes up to my till.)

Customer: “This is for my daughter’s birthday, and I’d really like to hurry and get home.”

Me: *looking at the order he has, there are a few toys and a soda maker* “I see you’re bringing the party with you!”

Customer: “I am! So let’s hurry. I’d like these bagged very specifically.”

Me: “Sure, I’ll scan and you tell me what to bag.”

(The customer began moving the items around a bunch. I’ve seen it before: they start messing with their order to get you to double-scan something so they have a reason to bring items back. I’m positive I didn’t double-scan anything, but an hour later, we received a call saying that I double-charged him and he’d be in for a refund the next day. The thing is, our soda makers are $20, and come with two CO2 cartridges and a glass bottle, all of which are $20 EACH when sold separately. As if by magic, he lost the receipt, demanded a refund for his double-charge, and returned the soda maker without the CO2 cartridges or the bottle because “they smelled weird so I threw them out.” All in all, we paid him $40 to make $60 to $80 on eBay.)

A Very Taxing Explanation, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | July 4, 2018

(My store is running a sale, and we sent out an ad for it. A faucet that is normally $150.00 is on sale for $75.00. We have sold a ton in the past few days without a problem.)

Customer: “I want two of those sale faucets from the ad!”

Me: “Wonderful, let me run and get those for you, and I’ll be right back!”

(I run and get them from the storage room and return.)

Me: “Great, your total is $160.88 with tax.”

Customer: “No. I’m only paying $150.00 for both. Change your prices so I can swipe my card.”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t do that. The faucets are $75.00 each, and with tax, that is $160.88.”

Customer: “I already said no! Set the price to the sales price.”

Me: “I rang you up at the sale price, ma’am. The additional charge is just state tax, and I have no control over that.”

Customer: “Stop trying to scam your customers. If you don’t sell them to me at $150.00, I will sue you for false advertising!” *she shows me her phone* “When I put in the prices, it shows as $150.00 on my phone. So, that is what I will pay!”

Me: “That’s because you did not add in tax, ma’am, and our advertisement does mention that tax will apply. It is state tax.”

Customer: “I will sue! Change the price”

Me: “Ma’am, this is state tax. The faucets are already 50% off. There is nothing I can do about the sale price, the state tax, or the final price.”

Customer: “What is the price for just one faucet?”

Me: “With tax, $80.44.”

Customer: *doing the math on her phone* “Liar! Look! My phone says it would be $80.43.”

Me: “The computer automatically rounds up to the nearest cent, ma’am. It would be $88.437.”

Customer: “No, you just want to overcharge me!”

Me: “By tenths of a cent? Do you have a tenth-of-a-cent coin?”

(The customer behind her starts laughing, which makes her angry. She storms out, still threatening to sue.)

Next Customer: “I’ll take those faucets. Feel free to charge me tax.”

A Very Taxing Explanation

Motorized Thievery

, , , , , | Right | July 2, 2018

(I’ve taken a job at a home improvement store doing general floor sales. An understaffed department quickly takes a shine to me and trains me on selling their products.)

Coworker: “And…” *sigh* “…here are the bathroom fans.”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Coworker: *picking up an open box* “These are the worst for angry customers and theft. People will come in and insist on just buying the motor. You can tell them again and again that the motor isn’t standard between models and that you can’t just swap the motor. Some will buy the kit then return it when they realize we told them the truth. Some will bring tools into the store and discreetly steal the motor. But every last one of them will argue with you when you tell them you can’t swap it.”

(He shows me the open box, which contains a kit but the motor has been stolen.)

Me: “Oh. What can we do?”

Coworker: “Nothing really. Tell them you can’t just swap it, but if they’re not afraid of a bit of ducting tape, electrical work, and maybe some drywall cutting, it’s fairly simple to install a new kit. We have this book that shows step-by-step instructions; you can try to upsell it with a kit, but it’s not a popular seller.”

Customer: *walks up* “Yo, I need to swap a motor for a bathroom fan. Where do you have just the motors?”

Coworker: *looks to me*

Me: “Hi! I’m glad to help with that. Unfortunately, you can’t swap just the motor, but the kit’s only $12, and it’s a pretty simple project. We even have this handy book that walks you through it.”

Customer: “F*** that. I know you can just swap the motor. I just want the motor.”

Me: “Well, I’m happy to be proven wrong. You’re welcome to buy the kit and try to swap the motor. If it doesn’t work, you can just install the kit, instead.”

Customer: “No. I’m not paying for the full kit. I just need the motor. What don’t you understand?”

Me: “Sorry, it’s my first week. But unfortunately, I’m told we don’t carry just the motors. You can try a different store, if you like.”

Customer: “Whatever.” *walks away*

(Less than an hour later I was making rounds and found another open kit box with the motor stolen. Seriously, you can’t afford $12?)

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