We are viewing a house. What we didn’t realise from the photos is that the entire ground floor is tiled. Every inch is covered in large beige floor tiles. Being a miserable day, the floor is cold and slippery on top of looking pretty miserable and dull.

The estate agent, who has been overly positive about everything, finally mentions the floor.

Estate Agent: “Don’t you just love the floor?”

Wife: “Err, perhaps.”

Estate Agent: *Turning to me* “It’s made by [Designer I’ve never heard of].”

Me: “I’m sure it’s lovely. Not really to our taste.”

Estate Agent: *Gasps* “You’re not planning on taking it up, are you?”

Wife: “Well, not straight away, but with our children, we would probably prefer carpet.”

Estate Agent: “No, no, no. I couldn’t possibly sell it to you…. unless you promise not to do that.”

Me: “Sure, we promise.”

Estate Agent: “Phew! Well, that’s a relief.”

The tiles were the first thing to go in the skip after we renovated. We ended up with a nice wooden floor in the kitchen and dining areas and a much more warm carpet in the living areas. We never looked back.

I was working the desk at my job when a call came through from a customer. I answered and spoke briefly to a woman who explained her situation. She purchased some cases of vinyl flooring from us a couple of days ago, changed her mind about what she picked, and wanted a refund.

That’s not uncommon, so I thought nothing of it.

Me: “I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Would you like to exchange the cases for something you like?”

Woman: “No, I just want a refund.”

Me: “Okay, cool. Just bring the cases back as soon as you can and we’ll refund you the full amount.”

Woman: “Wait, why do I have to bring the cases back?”

I paused, wondering if I was unclear about something.

Me: “You… want a refund for the cases, correct?”

Woman: “Yes. That’s why I called.”

Me: “Okay, so just bring them back to the store and we’ll—”

Woman: “I’m not bringing them back. I just want my refund.”

I tried not to audibly face-palm. Did this woman not get how refunds work or was she slow at trying to pull a fast one?

Me: “Ma’am, we can’t refund you for the items if you don’t return the items.”

Woman: “Yes, you can. You have my card on file.”

Me: “Ma’am… I can’t do that.”

Woman: “Then give me to someone who can!”

I rolled my eyes and turned to my supervisor sitting at the computer next to me. He heard everything I said and gave me the “Is she serious?” look.

With an inaudible “Yup,” I handed him the phone. The second he said his name and position, I heard the woman give him a week’s worth of attitude and a bogus line about me “keeping” her money. I’m hourly, lady. I don’t get one red cent of your money.

My supervisor told her exactly what I had just told her and explained how refunds work as if she were a clueless old lady. By the sound of her voice, she could have been.

A few seconds later, I saw the line disconnect on her end. My supervisor hung up the phone and gave me a look, and we just burst out laughing.

My coworker walked by and asked what was funny.

Supervisor: “Some lady wanted to have her cake and eat it, too.”

Customer: “I’m looking for a screw.”

Me: “Sure, can you describe to me what you need?”

Customer: *Like I’m the dumbest person alive* “Uh, a screw? You know, to hold things together?”

Me: *In my sweetest customer service voice* “Yes, and would you need any particular dimensions or material for that screw, or will any old one off the shelf do it for you?”

A customer comes to complain about the key kiosk not making him a key. I follow the customer to the kiosk to check out the problem.

Customer: “See, it will not make my key!”

Me: “Did you put money in the machine?”

Customer: “Money?”

I then point out to the customer where he has to insert money so his key can be made.

Customer: “I didn’t know I had to pay for it.”

I work in a housing insurance office. I can hear a customer screaming outside while a car starts up and begins driving away quickly. One of our techs, who usually visit properties to assess claims, walks back in.

Tech: “Perfect timing. I couldn’t handle another minute with that guy.”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Tech: “The customer didn’t like what I had to say.”

Me: “Can you give me the claim number so we can get this on file?”

Tech: “Oh, sure. I almost forgot. It’s [number].”

Me: “Okay, so this is a leak in the ceiling of the dining room?”

Tech: “No, not at all. Look, this claim is gonna be denied, and I told the customer, like an idiot, and now I got nothing to show for it.”

Me: “Let’s start from the beginning.”

Tech: “So, there ain’t no leak. The customer lied to you guys to get the claim opened. When I showed up, he laughed about it like he was some kind of genius. Guy’s got a plumbing issue all right, but not like that.”

Me: “I’m listening.”

Tech: “Firstly, this house is in shambles. There’s a straight-up huge hole in this guy’s bathroom floor.”

Me: “Is it in the basement? Is that a drainage hole or something?”

Tech: “Nah, second-story. Bathroom is mostly tile. I say ‘mostly’ because he took something like a hammer to the tiles in that spot to rip them out but then started cutting with a mechanical saw, I guess.”

Me: “Why in the world would he do that to his own bathroom?”

Tech: “He said he was hearing a noise beneath the tiles and wanted to fix it.”

Me: “Is he hearing things? This guy sounds pretty crazy already.”

Tech: “Well, he was half right. I didn’t hear anything at first, but then he said to run the shower and I’d hear it. So, I turned it on and, yeah, I heard it. Whoever installed those pipes needs to lose their plumbing certification, or maybe they never had one in the first place. I’m leaning towards the latter. Pretty much those pipes were just sitting there in the floor. They’re supposed to be clipped or have some kind of support to them every couple of yards, but instead, they’re just sitting there. When you turn on the shower, they start dancing, and I can assure you that is only half the problem.”

Me: “What’s the other half?”

Tech: “They are gonna snap, and then he will have a leak in the dining room, the kitchen, and pretty much the entire first floor since it will be flooded.”

Me: “Any idea how to fix this?”

Tech: “I could install some clips as a temporary fix, but that line will need to be brought up to code, and that’s no small task.”

Me: “Can you give me a quote?”

Tech: “I don’t want the job in the first place. You couldn’t pay me to go back to that house.”

Me: “It’s just for the claim. I’m denying it, but I need a number or something.”

Tech: “So, $500 labor, another $200 in parts, and probably $100 for a second guy, and then you’d need to patch the floor and retile the bathroom. I don’t know what that would cost but it would be pretty steep.”

Me: “That’s enough for me. I’ll kill the claim.”

Tech: “Do you want to know the worst part, though?”

Me: “Go ahead.”

Tech: “He handed me an envelope when I got there for the SCF. It’s literally got $20 bucks in there. He said he’d pay me the rest after the call. I don’t think he had any intention of paying, though, since it might have been his plan to chase me off in the first place.”

Me: “You can bill for $55 for today without an auth number if that gets you the rest of the SCF.”

Tech: “Oh, it does, actually. Thanks for looking out.”

Me: “I’m gonna notate the claim so that he can’t try lying to customer service or something about you. You did this one right, don’t worry.”

Tech: “Have a good one.”

Me: “You, too.”

I tasked Customer Service to call the customer and inform them that this was not a covered claim; the pipes were not properly installed, causing failures, not to mention that moving pipes around is not normal!

The internal notes read, “Customer lied about failure to get tech to house, customer attempting to force coverage to make up for shoddy plumbing in home, customer chased tech off property.”