You’ve Met Your Match

, , , | Right | August 25, 2017

(One afternoon near the paint department, a nice, neat, fashionable couple in their thirties approach me.)

Woman: “We’re looking for felt pads.”

Me: “Yes, here they are. You have a variety of shapes. These are cut in circles, and rectangles. This one is a big sheet you can cut to match what you need.”

(I point to the various packages on an end cap.)

Man: “Do you have any other colours?”

Me: “No. They only come in this colour.”

Woman: “You see, we were looking for something darker, to match our furniture.”

Man: “Yes, our furniture is a darker oak, and we wanted the pads to match. Do you have any others?”

Me: “I’m afraid not. Mind you, they are under the furniture and totally out of sight.”

Woman: “We really want it to match.”

Me: “You could colour them if you wanted.”

Man: “No, that wouldn’t be the same. Are you sure you don’t have any darker ones?”

Woman: “We really want them to match the furniture.”

(And so on. After several minutes, I left them to discuss it among themselves.)

They Finally Nailed It

, , , | Right | August 17, 2017

(I work in the hardware department. This means mostly screws, nuts, and bolts. An older woman come in.)

Customer: “I need a screw that I can bend to hang up a line from.”

Me: “What is the line for?”

Customer: “I want to hang a line to dry some clothes.”

Me: “In that case I can suggest a screw hook.” *I show it to her*

Customer: “No. That’s not what I want.”

(After showing her as many possible screws as I can think of, she gets quite mad.)

Customer: ” NO, I want a screw that you hammer in!”

(Pause.)

Me: “Do you want a nail?”

Customer: *looks me up and down and then says with disgust* “Well, if that’s what you call it!”

The Internet Of Dumb Things

, , , , , | Right | August 15, 2017

(A coworker and I are working at the customer service desk when a female customer comes up. She tells my coworker she wants to buy an item that she saw online. My coworker gets the item number and processes the sale.)

Customer: *at end of transaction* “I guess I could have just come in here in the first place instead of spending time looking at this online. I spent so much time on the website. I just wanted to pay cash. I was looking for the place to pay cash for it.”

Coworker: “Online?”

Customer: “Yeah. On the website. I couldn’t find where to pay with cash.”

Leaving The Landlord Feeling Exposed

, , , , , | Working | August 14, 2017

(Not long after I move in to a rental I have to change one of the light bulbs in my kid’s room. The light fitting falls out of the ceiling as I touch it, revealing that the wiring’s protective covering is brittle and it exposes bare wires. The real estate contacts the owners who come out with their “electrician” who quietly informs me that he is not an electrician and just a friend. It’s illegal to work on electrical matters unless you are qualified; a lot do to save money but most know what they are doing. Another time I get a small shock from a light switch. The real estate sends their qualified electrician out to repair that. Then another light fitting falls down when I barely touch it to change a light bulb leaving exposed wires. I turn off the power and call the real estate, who promises to call the owners immediately. They call back a little later.)

Real Estate: “We’ve tried contacting the owners but there’s been no answer. They don’t want us using our electrician but considering that this is an emergency situation we are sending one out right now.”

(The electrician arrives not long after, and after seeing how the metal light fitting is hanging from the ceiling.)

Electrician: “Did you pull down on it or what?”

Me: “No, I only just touched the light bulb and the whole thing fell.”

Electrician: “But you took all of the glass light shades off?”

Me: “No, all of the light shades of all the lights in the house were missing when we moved in.”

Electrician: “Okay. I’ll get started, then.”

(He checks that the power is off and climbs his ladder, so I go to do something else. A few moments later I hear him swear.)

Electrician: “Oh, s***!”

(I hear him go out the front door, and the power box open and close, before he comes back in. He then goes to all of the metal light fittings in the house touching them with an electrical tester.)

Electrician: “S***, s***, s***!”

(He enters the kitchen and tests the fitting there.)

Electrician: “F****** h***!”

Me: “Are you okay?”

Electrician: *looks very shaken* “Oh, I’m sorry about that. I’m amazed that no one has died in this place. All of these light fittings are wired up wrong. They have the live wire attached to the fitting instead of the grounding wire. Every fitting in this house is live. I’m replacing all of them.”

(He removes all of the fittings and replaces them with simple cheap single bulb fittings and asks me about throwing out the old ones because they are rusted and pitted. We decide to keep them because it’s rental and they prove they are wired wrong so he puts them into the roof space. About a month later I get a visit from the owners.)

Owner: “Who gave you permission to get an electrician out? I’ve just had a huge bill sent to me. I’m not paying it.”

Me: “I didn’t get the electrician. The real estate did when a light fitting fell from the ceiling and they couldn’t get in contact with you.”

Owner: “Why did they replace five lights, then?”

Me: “They were all wired wrong; the electrician said it’s a wonder that no one was killed in this place because they weren’t put in by an electrician.”

Owner: “All the lights in here were done by an electrician!””

Me: “The same sort of electrician you brought with you last time?”

Owner: “WELL, WHERE ARE ALL OF MY GOOD LIGHT FITTINGS?! THOSE WERE EXPENSIVE AND YOU’VE JUST THROWN THEM OUT!”

Me: “We kept them safe, especially for proof that they were wired wrong in the first place.”

Owner: “Oh… we won’t worry about that, then.” *quickly says their goodbyes and leaves*

(The same owner tried making me pay for damaged blinds after the real estate signed off that the blinds were in the same condition as when we moved in. They also weren’t happy that we hadn’t repainted the crappily painted walls that they did themselves, or finish the jobs they had left undone when they lived there.)

Caught You Egg-White Handed

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2017

(My coworker is handling a return when he calls me over.)

Coworker: “Can you check this? It doesn’t feel right.”

(I pick up the paint tin he is pointing at, and it does indeed feel off. The contents is moving around a lot more freely than expected.)

Me: “Sorry, but do you mind if I check the contents?”

Customer: “I do. You can check it after I have my refund.”

Me: “We won’t be refunding anything until I’m certain of what is inside.”

(I start removing the lid.)

Customer: “I SAID YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED!”

Me: ”This is… I don’t know…”

Coworker: *to the customer and backing away* “What is it?”

Customer: “It’s… it’s egg white.”

Me: “An entire paint tin of egg whites?”

(He fumbled for a bit then made a grab for the tin. He then ran out of the store, spilling the egg white everywhere. The strange thing was, the amount of eggs he would have needed to purchase to fill any entire tin would have cost more than the refund.)

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