I am cutting up some wood for a customer. Their kids are playing with some kind of colorful tennis ball thing. One of them throws it and it lands behind the saw in my woodcutter.

Me: “Sir! Please ask your children to stop doing that! It is very dangerous to play like that while I am cutting wood.”

Customer: “Sorry. Boys being boys, eh?”

I wisely do not respond and I continue cutting, but the customer is now staring at me expectantly. He does a little cough.

Customer: “Could you pass the boys their ball?”

Me: “Not without risking my life, sir.”

Customer: “Well, I’m okay with that.”

Me: “Well, shockingly, sir, I am not.”

My husband and I were looking for our first house. His mother said one of her friends had a home she wanted to sell so we went to take a look.

It was a waste of time.

There was plaster dust all over, and entire chunks of walls and ceiling light fixtures were removed. The bathrooms each had a tub, but the toilets and sinks were removed. The friend walked us into what was supposed to be the kitchen, but it was all torn apart. There were no cabinets or tabletops, and there was a pipe sticking out of the wall where I assume the sink should be.

Friend: “It’s going to be about $1,500,000, but it’s going to be beautiful when it’s all put together.”

Me: “Wow. How long will the renovations take?”

Friend: “Oh, that’s up to you.”

Husband: “Sorry? I don’t understand.”

Friend: *With a condescending laugh* “Well, you buy it and do the renovations yourself.”

Me: “But… there’s nothing. Not even a sink.”

Friend: “Yes, I took everything out. I bought it, so I’m taking it with me.”

Husband: “You want us to pay $1,500,000 for a gutted house?”

Friend: “Well, there are three bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a living space. You’ve seen the kitchen. There’s about half an acre for a yard.”

Me: “But… there’s literally nothing here. What about temperature control?”

Friend: “We used space heaters and window units. It’s about $200 to $500 a month depending on usage.”

Me: “No. I’m sorry to waste your time. We’re not buying this.”

Friend: “Why? It’s a great house! I’ve made many happy memories here!”

Husband: “I can’t even see this place being worth that much if you hadn’t stripped it down to nothing. We are absolutely not paying to have to do the renovations.”

Friend: “I looked up the value on [Website]! That’s what it says!”

Husband: “Okay, thank you for your time.”

We went home and looked at the website she mentioned. The house was listed at $150,000, not $1,500,000. My mother-in-law gave us a hard time for not buying the house, saying it would have been a good Christian deed. We eventually found a place that we liked… in another state.

A customer comes in to return a lawn mower. I’m new, and I’m the only associate around to make sure the lawn mower isn’t damaged; we make sure they are in working condition to resell at a discounted price.

Apparently, this guy is a regular here, and even more so for my department. I walk up, and he asks me:

Customer: “You the OPE (outdoor power equipment) guy? You look new. What are you gonna be able to do?”

Me: “I am new, but I’ve had some experience in diagnosing these mowers. Let’s take her outside and see if I can get her started.”

Customer: “It’s not worth it. I tried for twenty minutes, and I changed the oil, the gas, and the spark plug. I changed the pull starter and even checked the carburetor. It chokes every time and dies out. Besides, it would be easier to get my money back because you’re a new guy and I really doubt anyone with such little experience as you could do a d*** thing when you don’t know how to even start it.”

Me: “Sounds like it’s an internal issue. It might be the manufacturer’s problem, but I have to check anyway.”

I unscrew the gas cap to see that it’s full. I check the oil tank dipstick to see that it’s full. I prime it and give it three dead pulls to warm it up. I bend down and give it one good rip, and bam, she starts right up. I look at him.

Me: “Make sure you clean the blade every once in a while to prevent clogging.”

I wheel the mower back inside and let the head cashier know that the mower is fine and doesn’t need to be returned.

Customer: *Angrily* “If I have to come back here for the same f****** reason, I’ll be getting all of my money back and then some. This is f****** ridiculous!“

I never saw him again, and it’s been half a year.

I’m an interior designer discussing the floor plans for a client’s renovation. They are Chinese but they were born in the UK.

Me: “Here’s the design we discussed. I’ve managed to fit it within your budget of £10,000.”

Client: “These designs are nice, but I showed them to my mum, and she said the Feng Shui is all bad. It’s full of bad energy. The design needs to have [list of requirements].”

Me: “Okay, but those requirements are completely different from your original brief. I will need to do a redesign.”

Client: “That’s fine.”

I go away and complete the brief to the requirements laid out by the client’s mother. When I come back to him:

Me: “This is the redesign.”

Client: “This looks perfect! How much is this version?”

Me: “£17,000.”

Client: *Without hesitation* “F*** that! I’ll stick with the bad energy, thanks!”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Client: “Seven grand cheaper and my mum doesn’t come to visit? Win-win!”

This story is part of our ‘Clients From Hell’ roundup!

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This story is part of the Editors’-Favorite-Stories Of-2022 roundup!

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I work for a roofing company. I am heading to a client’s home a week after we have finished installing his new roof. This is a normal inspection to sign off, but I also need to double-check the installation as our area suffered a major storm a few days earlier and a lot of houses have been damaged.

I am walking onto the site when the client comes rushing up to me.

Client: “You! You need to talk to my insurance company about the roof!”

Me: “Okay, let’s inspect the storm damage and I would be happy to provide a professional assessment.”

Client: “What storm damage?! There isn’t any! Your g**d*** roof didn’t lose a single tile in the storm!”

Me: “Oh. And that’s… bad?”

Client: “Terrible! My insurer won’t pay out because there’s no roof damage, and it’s all your fault! What are you going to do about it?! Hmm?”

Me: “Get you to say all that again on camera for our site?”