My husband used to work putting up wallpaper in large, rich-people houses. He’s very direct. When he works, he tends to hyper-focus on the job, and he doesn’t really understand social cues.

His boss, the owner of the company, is an older, fairly friendly guy, but he’s as conservative as the average person in this state. One day, he comes up to my husband with a weird expression.

Boss: *In a low whisper* “[Husband]! [Husband]! Our client… The owner of this house… He’s married!”

Husband: *Pauses* “Okay.”

Boss: “No, you don’t understand. He’s married… to another man!”

Husband: *Genuinely confused* “What does that have to do with the wallpaper?”

Boss: “Nothing, but our client is, well… It’s weird!”

Husband: *Pauses again* “I agree, the wallpaper is a strange choice, but it’s what they wanted.”

Boss: “No, they’re two men living and being married here. In this house! How can they even afford a place like this?”

Husband: “I’m sorry, what does that have to do with the wallpaper?”

Boss: “ARGH! Never mind!”

The boss grumbled to himself as he walked away. My husband didn’t work with him for long after that.

I work at the customer service counter in a home improvement store. A customer brings in a poo-smeared toilet seat.

Customer: “It came this way!”

Funny how he didn’t discover the Hershey stains until he had guests visit a week after the transaction.

Customer: “It’s egregious that you would sell disgusting merchandise! You owe me money and an apology!”

Me: *In diplomatic customer service fashion* “We can’t return it due to the health hazards associated with it.”

He then shouts at everyone at the return desk and at the manager that walked over after seeing the commotion.

Customer: “Fine! You’ll throw the toilet seat away for me.”

Me: “We can’t do that for you since it’s a health hazard. You will need to throw it away yourself.”

He stormed out of the building, yelling obscenities.

A few minutes later, the store janitor came to customer service to inform us that there was a toilet seat on the trash can outside. Our trash cans sit outside of the main entrances/exits and have ashtrays on top of them. The disgruntled customer had laid the toilet seat so that the ashtray was in the center of the seat, exposing the poop stains to entering customers, and the lid resting against the building.

The coup de grace was that the customer had left a note on the seat which read, “If it looks like crap, they won’t take it back.”

My husband and I recently set up our new bed, including a new bed frame. Our old frame was wooden, while this one is metal, and we have both been stubbing or catching our toes on the edges of the frame.

Hubby: “I have an idea about what to do about the new bed frame! We could get rubber caps to put on the feet…”

Me: “…which would protect both our toes and the floor. Good idea, honey!”

Hubby: “Then, we could wrap the legs and the edges of the frame in yarn! Lots of yarn!”

Me: *Stares in wife*

Hubby: “No? Bad idea?”

Me: “Sweetie, stop and think about what Otis would do to that for a moment.”

Hubby: “Right! We have cats!”

I make appointments for tenants who have technical issues in their house — any kind of issue. If it’s something that falls under our responsibility, I make an appointment for you.

Tenant: “The banister of my stairs is loose. I need someone to fix it.”

Me: “Of course. Let me look into this.”

I quickly get everything ready for an appointment with our carpenter. On the schedule, I see a few options that might be too far away if the tenant is dependent on the banister for safety. She does sound old, and the date of birth does scream “old”, as well, so I may need to call a different department to get an earlier date. But since I know which questions they will ask, I decide to ask those first.

Me: “May I ask how long this banister has been loose?”

Tenant: “For about three months now.”

Me: “Oh… May I ask why you didn’t call back then?”

Tenant: “It didn’t bother me, but you see, we started redecorating and we pulled off the wallpaper. It would be nice if it could be fixed tomorrow since we plan on finishing the wall the day after tomorrow.”

In the background, I hear:

Voice: “They’d better be coming tomorrow! I can’t finish if they aren’t here tomorrow!”

I don’t really like “back-seat callers”, but I try not to let it get to me. However, I really do not like people demanding an appointment the next day (or even the same day) when they’ve had the opportunity to call for three months. How do people always say it? Bad planning on your side does not mean urgency on my side?

Me: “I understand that you want to continue on your wall, but I’m afraid we don’t have any openings tomorrow. I do have one two weeks from now.”

Tenant: “What?! That long?! You can’t be serious!”

Me: “I’m afraid that really is the first option we have.”

Tenant: “But… but… what if I fall?!”

Me: “Well, you did say you’ve had this situation for three months already. How did you handle things in that time?”

Tenant: “But my wall! You can’t expect me to look at that awful wall for two weeks, now, can you?”

Me: “I understand this is an inconvenience for you, but—”

Tenant: “You can say that again!”

The voice in the background speaks up again.

Voice: “I’m not going to wait two weeks! I want them to come tomorrow!”

Tenant: “You need to come tomorrow!”

Me: “I have no one available tomorrow, but—”

Tenant: “You have to!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help this. You said this banister has been loose for three months now. You could have called anywhere in those three months. The fact that you planned a wall redecoration now and did not take the banister into account does not mean that it’s an emergency. A lot of people made appointments earlier and have been waiting; I can’t cancel them so I can have a spot for you.”

Tenant: “But… I…”

Voice: “What?! But…”

Me: “I can offer this date for our carpenter, or you can look for someone yourselves at your own cost. Shall I put you in for this slot? And does the gentleman next to you have any other questions?”

The man in the background is suddenly very silent.

Tenant: “No… No, thank you. Please put us in for that slot.”

Me: “I will, and it’s already taken care of. Can I write down your phone number in case someone else’s appointment gets cancelled and our carpenter is in the neighborhood?”

Tenant: “Yes, please, thank you.”

The rest of the conversation was uneventful. The conversation didn’t come up in a review, either. But I really wished the “Bad planning…” line could be translated into Dutch without sounding like garbled Dutch.

A customer walks into our home improvement store with a moderate-sized dog on a leash. Dogs are not allowed in the store, mainly because of safety issues for customers as well as employees. Basically, we don’t want them knocking something over or getting in the way of a forklift. But our management lacks some backbone, so they let that sort of thing go.

This guy comes up to me about five minutes after walking in.

Customer: “Do you have a plastic bag?”

Me: “What size?”

Customer: “Well, it’s because my dog took a dump on the floor.”

Me: “Sure.”

I make a guess at the right size and hand him the bag. He just looks at me.

Customer: “Well, I’m not picking it up; it’s not my store.”

After stating that I am going to get management involved if he doesn’t pick it up and showing him the no-pet policy, he still puts up a fight.

Fast forward a couple of minutes, and he is screaming at our manager about the no-pet policy. A couple of minutes after that, the police show up. After a short exchange, he is cited with a fine for refusing to pick up after his own dog as well as not following the no-pet policy after it was explained.

When the police officer asks me to hand the customer a bag, I find one that has a couple of somewhat sizable holes in it. To my delight, he snatches the bag away from me without looking at it. He ends up walking out of the store asking for paper towels to wipe his hands with, to which my manager says:

Manager: “Sorry, this isn’t your store.”