There Is Mulch To Joke About

| MN, USA | Bizarre, Home Improvement, Theme Of The Month

(I work as a cashier at a store that sells home improvement merchandise. I am working in the garden center. If the customer needs a large quantity of something they will pay for it first and pick it up in the parking lot where we keep a huge supply of mulch, soil, etc.)

Customer: “Can I get 20 bags of mulch?”

Me: *completely straight face* “No.”

Customer: *dumbfounded look on his face* “Umm…”

Coworker: “[My Name]!”

Me: *with a huge smile on my face* “Of course you can!”

(I ring the customer up and my coworker speaks to him.)

Coworker: “Sorry about that, sir. She is mean to every 25th customer. Looks like you were the 25th.”

(The customer paid and was chuckling and smiling as he walked out to his vehicle.)

Not The Brightest Bulb In The Box

| MD, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

(I am one of two department managers responsible for the front end in my store. My subordinate is on the register next to me, processing a return for a rather expensive LED light bulb. This is right after the most recent Target hack.)

Customer: “I’d like to return this light bulb. It wasn’t the kind I needed.”

Coworker: “All right. Do you have your receipt?”

(The customer hands over the receipt, and she processes it quickly.)

Coworker: “Okay, [amount of return] is going back to your card. Is that all right?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s fine.”

(The coworker hands over return slip for him to sign. He stares at it for a moment and compares it to a credit card in his hand.)

Customer: “This is the wrong card. It should be returned to this card. *shows my coworker the card*

Coworker: *looking at original receipt* “Sir, that’s not the card that was used. The card used to pay for the light bulb ended in [last four card numbers].”

Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t have that card anymore. It was replaced because of the Target thing. Let me speak to your manager.”

(Coworker calls me over. I’ve heard nearly everything, but she explains the situation briefly.)

Me: “Hi. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need this returned on to this card.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you didn’t use that card to pay for it. We can only process a refund to the original card, or a store credit. But as the return has already been processed, you’ll have to contact the company who handles your account. As long as it’s in good standing, they’ll issue a check for the amount of the refund.”

Customer: “Of course my card is in good standing! It’s a prominent bank that deals with veterans and their families. It’s the same account. I just have a new card number. So, you can’t refund my purchase?”

Me: “We already have. If your card is linked to the same account, then most likely, they’ll credit your account. I’ll call for you right now, if you like.”

Customer: “It’s Sunday! They’re not open! I just want my money back.”

Me: “Sir, we’ve refunded your money back to your card. At this point, it is out of our hands. You can call your bank and they can issue you a check for the amount.”

Customer: “You haven’t given me my money back. It’s not the right card.”

(I show him the return slip.)

Me: “As far as this company is concerned, we have. The money is now in the hands of your bank. You may call them on Monday, and they can credit your account, or issue a check.”

Customer: “So, you’re not going to refund me?”

Me: “As I said, we already refunded—”

Customer: “No, you haven’t. Is there something wrong with you? You haven’t refunded my purchase.”

(The customer grabs the light bulb off the counter.)

Customer: “I’ll just go to a store where they know how to do a refund correctly. You are all obviously too stupid to do this!” *begins to walk out the door*

Me: “Sir! You can’t take the light bulb. We’ve refunded that!”

Customer: “No, you haven’t! I’m going somewhere else!”

(He stole the light bulb. No other store would be able to refund his money back to the new card. Our system isn’t set up that way. Three days later, I got a call from another store asking about the return. They contacted his bank and they had credited his account. That store took the light bulb from him at that time.)

Weird And Weirder

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Awesome Customers, Bizarre

(I am buying ‘Keep Off the Grass’ signs for my lawn. I am usually very socially awkward but I love talking to associates. I am currently talking to one about the signs.)

Me: “We live on the corner of two streets so people walk through our yard all the time. I wouldn’t mind except they throw their trash on the ground. I even caught a moving guy doing it. I don’t want to be rude, but I have no choice.”

Employee: “Yeah.”

Me: “It’s not like they are going to abide by the signs. I might have to sit on my porch and watch for a few hours.” *jokingly* “Maybe follow them home and throw it on their lawn.”

Employee: *laughs* “Yeah, you should.”

(Suddenly a customer comes up to both of us talking about drug deals on her lawn and AK47s. We smile and nod, hoping she will go away. Once she does, we look at each other.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m usually the weird customer, but somehow I attract even weirder…”