Weird And Weirder

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Awesome Customers, Bizarre

(I am buying ‘Keep Off the Grass’ signs for my lawn. I am usually very socially awkward but I love talking to associates. I am currently talking to one about the signs.)

Me: “We live on the corner of two streets so people walk through our yard all the time. I wouldn’t mind except they throw their trash on the ground. I even caught a moving guy doing it. I don’t want to be rude, but I have no choice.”

Employee: “Yeah.”

Me: “It’s not like they are going to abide by the signs. I might have to sit on my porch and watch for a few hours.” *jokingly* “Maybe follow them home and throw it on their lawn.”

Employee: *laughs* “Yeah, you should.”

(Suddenly a customer comes up to both of us talking about drug deals on her lawn and AK47s. We smile and nod, hoping she will go away. Once she does, we look at each other.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m usually the weird customer, but somehow I attract even weirder…”

A Customer’s Behavior Can Cut You In Half

| WV, USA | Crazy Requests, Home Improvement, Wild & Unruly

(I work as a weekday team member at a home improvement store, mostly in the lumber yard. I am already having a rough day, and a customer asks me if I could cut her a piece of plywood, but our wood cutter is currently out of service. Her pleasant demeanor instantly turns sour.)

Customer: “The fact that your saw is broken is unacceptable! My mother is sitting outside in her vehicle, and she just had open-heart surgery! I don’t have time for this!”

Me: “I’m very sorry that our saw is broken, ma’am, but I could call the store across town for you and see if their saw is functioning—”

Customer: “No! I don’t want to go to the other store! I spent $20 in gas just to f****** get here!”

Me: “Yet again, I do apologize for the inconvenience—”

(The customer obviously does not hear me, and continues shouting.)

Customer: “F*** you! I want my wood cut! I’ll break it in half myself if I have to!”

(At this point, the customer is so angry, I am afraid she will try to physically harm me. Two managers on duty overhear the ordeal and walk over.)

Manager #1: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but as our associate has already told you, our saw is currently out of service, and is due to be replaced shortly. If you would like, we might have a circular saw in the back that we could use to cut it for you—”

Customer: “This is f****** crazy! I don’t understand why you can’t fix the saw! My mother is still out in the vehicle, and I don’t have time for your bulls***!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you don’t mind waiting here, I could go get the saw for you and cut it.”

Customer: “Are you f****** kidding me?! I’ve been in the store for over two hours, and you expect me to wait while you go f*** around, and probably not even come back!?”

(After more rambling, she finally agrees to wait. She then says she is going to go outside and ‘cool off.’ After I retrieve the circular saw, I then go outside to look for the customer. I find her in her car, with her feet up on the steering wheel, smoking a cigarette alongside her mother, who, for having ‘open-heart surgery’, is smoking as well. Customer recognizes me and then shoos me away, and I go back inside. After 25 minutes or so, the customer finally comes back inside, and this time, her ‘recovering’ mother has come in to do some paint shopping.)

Customer: “Is anyone going to f****** help me, or am I going to have to start shooting people to get attention?”

Manager #2: “Excuse me, ma’am, is that really necessary? Our associate went looking for you, and it has been over half an hour.”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but I am ready to cut this wood for you, as soon as you tell me the lengths you want.”

Customer: “I want you to cut it the f*** in half!”

Me: “Would you like me to rip it for you, or cut it in 4×4 sections?”

Customer: “Go ahead and f****** rip it. And stop wasting my time!”

(I proceed to rip the plywood into two foot by eight foot sections, but as it turns out, this was wrong. At this point, the two managers have left me to deal with this customer, because they felt that I had the situation under control.)

Customer: “You f****** dips***! Why did you cut my wood like that?!”

Me: “Ma’am, you told me to rip it—”

Customer: “No, I said in HALF!”

Me: “What did you mean, 4×4 sections?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s what I f****** said the first time!”

(Managers have overheard this as well, and came back over to assist.)

Manager #1: “Ma’am, we would be happy to get you a new piece of wood, but if you would have clarified exactly what you wanted, we stock wood in the dimensions you wanted, and you would have been out of here two hours ago.”

Customer: “I don’t give a s***! I just want my wood cut!”

(Thoroughly annoyed and ready to snap, I reluctantly retrieve a new piece of wood, and agree to re-cut it for her.)

Customer: “About f****** time! Thank you for wasting my life!”

Me: “Gladly.”

(Because of the violent nature of this customer, and because of her threats, the managers finally sent her out of the store, with her precious wood- for free. We didn’t want to give her any excuse to come back and we were thankful nothing else happened! Because of this whole ordeal, the managers allowed me to sit in the break room for a few minutes to cool off. Hopefully, that is the first AND last time I receive a death threat in the workplace.)

A Freudian Slip And Slide

| Rochester, MN, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

(I am helping a customer with some plumbing fittings for his old-home cast-iron pipes.)

Customer: “I don’t think this gasket is going to slide into the pipe.”

Me: “It should slide right in for you.”

Customer: “Well, if it don’t slide in, what can I use to help slide it in?”

Me: “You can use some KY jelly, and that will help.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah. We got some of that and should work just fine then.”

Me: “Yep, should work.”

(The customer’s wife comes around as we get other fittings together, and he looks at his wife.)

Customer: “Almost done here. Got all the stuff I need, and I just need to find where the KY jelly is.”

(The wife’s eyes gets big in disbelief. I initially think ‘what’s wrong with her?’)

Wife: “Umm. What?”

Customer: “The KY jelly to help slide the fittings into… oh… c**p.”

(The customer looks at me, and just as he does so, it dawns on me what we have both just said!)

Me: “Oh… We need to find the silicone jelly! Sorry! I have no ideal how I came up with KY jelly!”