So Drunk That The Alphabet Changed

, , , , , , | Related | January 1, 2020

(It’s New Year’s morning, a little after five in the morning. My cousin, her fiancé, a friend from our gaming group, his sleeping wife, and I are in a room. His wife starts snoring lightly and he goes to roll her over.)

Me: “Ah, just let her be.”

Cousin: *drunk* “Letter B! Letter B! Third letter of the alphabet!”

Me: “Third?”

Cousin: “Second! Close enough!”

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The Year Ended With A Karmic Bang

, , , , , , | Legal | December 31, 2019

I am working at the main railway station in Helsinki during New Year’s night when I spot two teenagers lighting up firecrackers and throwing them onto the street where people are walking. I approach them and sternly tell them to stop as they could hurt someone.

While I approach, they are still lighting one up. They throw it without looking, and where else would it land but next to a police car that has just arrived on patrol?

I leave the kids to discuss their actions with the police.

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Technically, That Could Be A Resolution

, , , , , , | Working | December 31, 2019

(A couple of coworkers and I are talking before we clock in this morning. We’re all kind of punchy from the early hour.)

Coworker #1: “Any plans for tonight?”

Me: “No, I work tomorrow morning. Collecting all that time and a half, you know.”

Coworker #2: “I’ve got to start working on my New Year’s revolution.”

Me: “Your what now?!”

Coworker #1: “Do you mean resolution?” *snickers*

Coworker #2: “What did I say?”

Me: “New Year’s revolution.” *giggling* “I honestly like that better than resolution.”

(We were laughing for a good five minutes as we made our way up the elevator. And we’ve been yelling, “VIVA LA REVOLUTION!” when we see each other through the day.)

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Suddenly Know What The Neighbors New Year’s Resolution Will Be

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 31, 2019

(This happens when I am about four. It’s New Year’s Eve, and the house at the corner is having a party. Someone sets off fireworks in the empty lot near said house, and my sister and I run down to go watch. We are standing near the fence of the house party. As we’re watching the fireworks, a young woman leans over the fence.)

Woman: “Hey, what are you two doing?”

Me: “We’re watching fireworks!”

Woman: “That’s cool.”

(Then, for no reason, she DUMPED her entire cup of beer on my sister and me. We both squealed and ran home, crying. My mom called the cops, and the party was shut down after it was revealed that the majority of the young adults drinking weren’t of age yet.)

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At Least She Won’t Be Getting THAT Special Gift For Christmas

, , , , , , | Related | December 28, 2019

(I’m at the checkout of a bookstore. A teenage girl and her mum are buying some Christmas presents when a security alarm attached to the register goes off.)

Staff: “All good — I know you’ve paid for everything. Let’s just check the security tags on the items you’ve bought.”

(The staff rechecks all items, and all are fine, but the alarm goes off again.)

Staff: *still being super nice* “I can also fix the security tag on the other items, so this doesn’t happen all day.”

Mum: “Thanks, that would be great.”

(The mum and daughter go through their shopping, and it’s all looking good. I then notice the daughter starting to look uncomfortable.)

Staff: *quietly* “Did you buy something at the chemist?”

(The daughter opens her handbag and slowly places a large box of condoms on the counter. The staff member deactivates the security tag. The mum gives the daughter a stern look worthy of legend and they both leave the store slowly and quietly.)

Staff: *loudly* “MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

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