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In Soviet America, Communism Accuses You!

, , , , | Right | June 9, 2021

My family runs a small takeout place. We are open on July 4th.

Customer: “Why are you open today? That’s practically un-American!”

Me: “Our family will get together tonight and enjoy each other’s company.”

Customer: “You’re all communists for being open today! It’s treason! You should be closed for the holiday!”

Me: “So, you’re saying that instead of deciding our own hours and opening at times to maximize profits, we should be forced to close by a government-mandated holiday?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Yeah, you shouldn’t be the one accusing me of being communist.”

In Soviet America, Product Buys You!

In Memorial Of Military Decorum

, , , , , | Right | May 31, 2021

I work for a well-known retail clothing store and am working the customer service desk on Monday Memorial Day. Our military members receive an additional percentage off on Monday. An army soldier and his wife walk up to my desk. They have Levi jeans on hold so I grab them.

Customer’s Wife: “I have a 20%-off coupon and I want to use my military coupon for my pants.”

Me: “I’m sorry, love, but the military coupons aren’t stackable and they don’t qualify for the coupon as it’s an excluded item. Most of our major brands are excluded; it says so right on the coupon in bold letters.”

Customer’s Wife: *Bright red and clearly upset* “What does ‘exclusion’ mean?! You’re just using words to confuse me!”

Me: “It just means that these pants do not take coupons.”

Customer:It’s Memorial Day and this is how you treat your military members?!”

Me: “Sir? You can buy any other jeans in this store, but these specific jeans just don’t work.”

Customer: “WOW!” *Throws a pen at me* “You know, I work day in and day out, and on all days, you won’t let me on Memorial Day. I do this all the time!”

Me: “What? Complain? I believe that. There is no way to even give a discount, even if I wanted to, because our system doesn’t allow us to bypass that since it’s an item that doesn’t take coupons.”

Customer: “This is what I serve this country for! Unbelievable!”

Me: “My husband is a soldier, and you should know just like I know that Memorial Day is just that: to remember our fellow soldiers that didn’t make it back home. Not for d**ks like you to use their military status to try and make me feel bad. You should be ashamed.”

Customer: “You just lost a valuable customer! I am calling corporate! Who is your manager?!”

Me: “I am, sir. So pleased to meet you; here is the number. Here is my employee number. Let them know I said hello!”

The customer and his wife stormed out.

The next day, my general manager talked to me letting me know that corporate had reached out to let her know that I handled the customer correctly and that the customer was informed that he isn’t allowed back to our specific location.

Should Have Bean Nicer

, , , | Right | May 12, 2021

I’m working on Easter Sunday when I have a woman come up to me looking for jellybeans. Knowing the stock in the store is very limited, I point her to the Easter candy section.

Customer: “I already looked over there and the jellybeans were all black licorice flavor. I’m baking an Easter cake and I need small jellybeans to put on it! I was hoping I could find something cheap in the Easter candy!”

Me: “We can check the candy aisle; I know there are jellybeans there.”

I take her over to the candy aisle where there are jellybeans, and as soon as I do, some other customers notice the customer I’m helping. They all stop and exchange pleasantries with each other. I go over to the jellybeans and see that the selection is picked over. There are several flavors in a gourmet brand and another brand. As soon as I point them out, I can tell she isn’t happy.

Customer: “No, no, no! These won’t do! These are too big. These are too expensive! I want cheap jellybeans! You don’t have any cheap jellybeans in this store?!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry. These are the only spots in the store where we would have jellybeans.”

Customer: “I can’t believe it’s Easter and you have no jellybeans! What am I supposed to do now?!”

One of the customer’s acquaintances butts in.

Customer #2: “Next time, don’t wait until Easter Sunday to buy your d*** candy!”

Wishing You Could Flip Them The Bird, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | April 19, 2021

My store sells ducklings and chicks during March and April and will promote them for Easter sales. It is the day before Easter when this happens.

I get to work for the closing shift and am called to the bird pen as soon as I clock in. During my time in there, I sell about a dozen chicks and the last two ducklings we have to a nice family with two small children.

Not ten minutes later, an angry-looking woman and her husband come up to the service desk and tell me someone put ducks back for them. Confused, I go to the back room to check if someone put them in the “sick chick” box to hold them. Nothing’s back there.

I head back to the customer and tell her that there are no more ducks in the store and that I am sorry for the inconvenience.

She looks at me and calls me “a f****** liar” and says, “You all promised me birds.” I simply tell her that birds are sold on a first-come, first-served basis, and again, that I’m sorry for the circumstances.

She leaves in an angry huff, exclaiming that she’ll never come back to our “h***-hole” store. 

I walk away glad that the birds are gone. Who knows what would have happened if she had gotten them?

Wishing You Could Flip Them The Bird

I’m Punching Out Or Punching You: Pick One

, , , , , , | Right | April 4, 2021

I am a cashier at a supermarket. It’s the Saturday before Easter and we are extremely mobbed because we are going to be closed on Sunday. I have shut off the register light and pulled out my “lane closed” sign, which actually sticks out from the end of the register into the aisle, so it’s impossible not to notice it. I am scheduled to leave at five, and I am trying to get out before 5:07 because the time clock will not allow you to punch out after seven minutes past your shift end. After that, you have to find a manager to authorize your punch with a card.

This yuppie jerk comes to my register, goes around the “closed” sign, and plops his two items on the conveyor.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m closed.”

Customer: *Snarky* “You can’t just take two items?

Well, I could, but I’m not about to now, with that attitude.

Me: “No, I have to punch out now.”

Customer: “Well, what do you propose that I do?”

He asks this with that same arrogant, b****y tone.

Me: “May I suggest you take your items to the customer service counter? They take small orders when it’s busy.”

He left in a huff. I punched out with not a minute to spare, and when I left, I saw him standing angrily in a long line at customer service and laughed all the way home. I won’t deny it; it felt great. 

All I could think was, “Dude, if you had just been nice instead of acting like a jerk, I would have taken your items and you’d be out of here.”