Back many years ago when I was not old, I was a stay-at-home mom. I occasionally worked for my uncle at one of his bars/restaurants when he needed some extra help.

I was filling in as a waitress at a downtown establishment on Saint Patrick’s Day. It was located close to the courthouse, so it was frequented by local officials and quite a few attorneys. It was around noon, and one table of gentlemen had already been celebrating their Irish heritage for a while when I started serving them.

One particular patron was inappropriate from the beginning, both verbally and physically. He thought he was hilarious and irresistible. Remember, this was long before “Me Too” and we just ignored idiots up to a point.

After about forty minutes of this banter, a member of his party who knew my family told him to knock it off because I was [Uncle]’s niece. Immediately, this drunken attorney became my apologetic shadow. He followed me around telling me he was sorry and begging me to not tell [Uncle].

I finally put down my tray and responded within earshot of his colleagues.

Me: “Your behavior isn’t wrong only because you know my family. Every woman in the service industry has a family. Just because you aren’t acquainted with them, it does not mean they have to put up with your harassment!”

He grabbed his coat and left, red-faced, after leaving a decent tip.

It’s approaching Thanksgiving so, as usual, we have a lot of turkeys.

Customer: “I want this jumbo turkey, but it’s so heavy!”

Me: “Yes, the turkeys in our jumbo range are twenty-four pounds and up.”

Customer: “Can I get one that’s not so heavy?”

Me: “We have this smaller range right here, sir.”

Customer: “Yes, but then they wouldn’t be jumbo! I want it jumbo-sized!”

Me: “Then that’s this range, sir. Jumbo is twenty-four pounds and up.”

Customer: “I want a turkey that’s this big, but less than sixteen pounds.”

Me: “We can’t do that, sir.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “It’s just not physically possible.”

Customer: “But that’s what I want!”

I note that the customer is wearing a “Star Trek” T-shirt.

Me: “Sir, even Scotty himself couldn’t break the laws of Physics.”

Customer: “He would have found a way to make it work!” 

And with that, the customer angrily picked up a jumbo turkey and marched toward the checkouts.

It’s Christmas, so shopping is always a bit frantic at this time of year. A frazzled-looking woman comes up to the counter.

Customer: “Can you tell me if you guys have Mario Kart for the PlayStation 5?”

Me: “Are you sure you don’t mean the Switch?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Is your console a tall white box with a black stripe, or a small pad with a screen?”

Customer: “Ugh, it’s a tall white box! My son said he wanted Mario Kart for the PS5. I’m sure you guys have it. Look it up.”

Me: “That game doesn’t exist. Nintendo makes the Switch and also owns the rights to Mario. There wouldn’t be a Mario Kart game for any other system other than a Nintendo-made one. Sony makes the PlayStation 5.”

Customer: “My son knows video games! What would some stupid teen know, anyway?!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll search our system.”

At this point, I fake-type on the computer.

Me: “Sorry, the system says the game doesn’t exist and you won’t find it in any of our stores.”

Customer: “You guys are idiots! How can my eight-year-old son know more than you do! I’ll take my business to [Other Video Game Store] where they are professionals!”

All my coworkers had a good laugh. If only I were as smart as her eight-year-old.

It’s Labor Day, and our restaurant is getting a lot of custom due to a lot of people having the day off.

Customer: “I want a table for six.”

Manager: “That will be at least an hour wait, sir. We’re very busy today.”

Customer: “Why?” 

Manager: “It’s Labor Day.”

Customer: “I didn’t think that many people would be out for that.”

Manager: “And why are you here today, sir?” 

Customer: “Well, we all have today off, so we came out to have lunch!”

Manager: “Of course, sir.”

It’s my first year working at a bar in an area of New York with a large immigrant Irish population. It’s my first St. Patrick’s Day and the place is packed! I am serving drinks as fast as I can, and we have all hands on deck dealing with the revelry and chaos that ensues.

I see a woman stumbling up to me.

Customer: “So… uh… yeah… sorry, but my friend threw up.”

Me: “Oh! Where?”

Customer: “Well they tried to aim for the toilet.”

Me: “Tried?”

Customer: “Well, I was kinda on it at the time.”

Me: “…?”

Customer: “So they went into the toilet tank. You know, where the floating ball thingy is?”

Me: “Your friend threw up in the TANK of the toilet while you were on it?”

Customer: “Well when you say it all in one go like that it sounds gross!”