Suddenly Know What The Neighbors New Year’s Resolution Will Be

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 31, 2019

(This happens when I am about four. It’s New Year’s Eve, and the house at the corner is having a party. Someone sets off fireworks in the empty lot near said house, and my sister and I run down to go watch. We are standing near the fence of the house party. As we’re watching the fireworks, a young woman leans over the fence.)

Woman: “Hey, what are you two doing?”

Me: “We’re watching fireworks!”

Woman: “That’s cool.”

(Then, for no reason, she DUMPED her entire cup of beer on my sister and me. We both squealed and ran home, crying. My mom called the cops, and the party was shut down after it was revealed that the majority of the young adults drinking weren’t of age yet.)

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At Least She Won’t Be Getting THAT Special Gift For Christmas

, , , , , , | Related | December 28, 2019

(I’m at the checkout of a bookstore. A teenage girl and her mum are buying some Christmas presents when a security alarm attached to the register goes off.)

Staff: “All good — I know you’ve paid for everything. Let’s just check the security tags on the items you’ve bought.”

(The staff rechecks all items, and all are fine, but the alarm goes off again.)

Staff: *still being super nice* “I can also fix the security tag on the other items, so this doesn’t happen all day.”

Mum: “Thanks, that would be great.”

(The mum and daughter go through their shopping, and it’s all looking good. I then notice the daughter starting to look uncomfortable.)

Staff: *quietly* “Did you buy something at the chemist?”

(The daughter opens her handbag and slowly places a large box of condoms on the counter. The staff member deactivates the security tag. The mum gives the daughter a stern look worthy of legend and they both leave the store slowly and quietly.)

Staff: *loudly* “MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

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Expecting A Christmas Miracle  

, , , , | Related | December 27, 2019

(My two sons, ages seven and nine, are brats. I cannot get them to clean up after themselves. This becomes a greater concern when it’s announced that the family Christmas this year will be at the home of my sister and her husband. They are very wealthy, very house-proud, and childfree — by choice and very happy about it! During past visits, I would run about clearing up after my boys. My sister is not a Nazi at all about it — she often tells me to sit down and have my wine and stop worrying — but the house is so beautiful I can’t help myself. This year, I decide on another attempt to teach the boys to respect other people’s houses.)

Me: “You can’t make a mess at Aunty’s house over Christmas.”

Sons: *collective eye roll*

Me: “I’m serious. I don’t want to spend the entire holiday running around after you two. I don’t expect perfection, but you’ve got to make an effort.”

Son #1: “Well, can we swim in the pool?”

Me: “Yes.”

Son #2: “Can we play on the tennis court?”

Me: “Yes.”

Son #1: “Can we play with [Uncle]’s VR? 

(My sister’s husband has a PlayStation with VR set up in his mancave.)

Me: “Yes.”

Son #2: “I don’t know what you’re worried about. We won’t ever be inside the house!”

(I am crossing all my appendages that my sons’ quite reasonable logic translates into reality!)

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The Holidays Are In Good Shape

, , , , , | Related | December 27, 2019

(My sister is trying to help my six-year-old nephew write a Christmas list.)

Sister: “Okay, [Nephew], what’s something that you need?”

Nephew: “A toothbrush and toothpaste?”

Sister: “I meant, what do you want for Christmas?”

Nephew: “Oh, presents.”

Sister: *laughing to herself a little* “Yes, but what presents?”

Nephew: “I don’t know. A square one, maybe?”

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Two Dollars Two Much  

, , , , , , | Right | December 27, 2019

(I’m working at a “big box” store in an upper-middle-class neighborhood. It’s after Christmas and all wrapping paper is on sale. At first, it is marked down to $1 a roll; this weekend that I’m working as a cashier, it has been discounted to 50 cents. A well-dressed man and his family come through my line with some odds and ends and wrapping paper. I ring up the wrapping paper; it hasn’t been changed in the system, so it comes up as $1.)

Customer: “No! That rang up wrong! It says back there it’s 50 cents! I can’t believe this place! You’d better change it now!”

Me: “I did see that it was marked down.”

Customer: *shuffling around* “You’d better get someone over here to change it.”

Me: “It’s not a big deal, sir. I can change the price myself under $20.”

(His wife and kids are just standing silently as I change the price to save him a whopping $2.)

Customer: “Did you change all of them?!

Me: “Yes, they are all changed.”

Customer: “Let me see.”

(I show him the price change and he hands me his credit card as if he is completely disgusted with me, as if I somehow tried to scam him out of $2. He continues to talk bad about me and the store and says, “Come on!” to his family as they move through the line and leave. The next customer walks up and we both give each other looks like “What was that all about?”)

Me: *chuckling* “How are you today?”

Nice Lady Customer: “Better than that guy, ha.”

(I continue to ring her things up.)

Nice Lady Customer: “Oh… I think the last guy forgot his bag.”

(I look over to see the bag of wrapping paper that the last customer had screamed about — freaked out over $2! — just sitting there as he forgot it in his haste to leave.)

Me: “Hmm, that’s too bad.”

(I finished ringing this lady up and, since no one else was in my line, I immediately took his bag of wrapping paper to customer service as merchandise that was left out and needed to be put back out on the floor. Merry Christmas, a**hole.)

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