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Jason Versus Retail

, , , , , | Right | October 31, 2021

I work in a haunted house, and I work both ends of the venue when it is slow. I sell tickets and then jump into costume to scare. I am pretty good at my job.

A family of three is going through. The father is jumpy but looks like he is having a good time; the mother and daughter are terrified. I take advantage of one of my favorite spots towards the end to give them a good finishing scare.

I jump out and yell, annnnnddd then the daughter turns 180 and runs face-first into a wall. I take off my mask and radio my buddy to turn the lights all the way on. She is bleeding pretty badly but I can’t tell if her nose is broken.

I escort them out to the lobby, grab the first aid kit, paper towels, instant ice pack, and a cold bottle of water. I start to apologize, but before I can finish, the father goes all bat-s*** on me. He starts off just yelling and poking me in the chest. Then it escalates to, “WHY IS THAT WALL THERE?!” and shoving. The whole time his wife and daughter are telling him to calm down and that she is fine.

Being me, I laugh when he asks why a wall was there and he gets really handsy.

Me: “If your daughter is fine, then you can leave.”

Customer: “No, buddy, I’m gonna kick your a**.”

I clock out then and there and walk out to the parking lot, still dressed as Jason Voorhees. Nothing ends up happening except him yelling at me more, and some guy in the parking lot yelling:

Parking Lot Bystander: “AWW, S***, THIS DUDE’S ABOUT TO FIGHT JASON!”

Next Year, Just Turn Off The Lights And Pretend You’re Not Home

, , , , , | Friendly | October 30, 2021

We love Halloween, both taking our kids out door to door and handing out sweets, particularly to the little ones.

Last year, we got a lot more older kids. They pushed in front and grabbed handfuls of sweets, and when it was getting late, we put the rest of the sweets on the doorstep only for them to be thrown down the street.

This year would be different. We went out with our children. When it came to handing out sweets, we had two big buckets.

The first to the door were two older children, not even in costume. I picked up the orange bucket and made a point of putting sweets into their hands. Some smaller children were up next. I picked up the white bucket and put sweets into their hands.

As the night continued, I kept up the same trick. Then, two older boys rang the bell; they looked familiar.

Boy #1: “Yeah, trick or treat.”

Me: “Hmm, sure.”

I grabbed the orange bucket and gave them a large handful.

Boy #2: “Where’s the chocolate?”

Me: “The what?”

Boy #1: “You gave my little brother chocolate bars. How come we get this?”

Me: “Luck of the draw. Sorry, guys.”

I shut the door. Oh, well, they figured it out: older kids get the cheap sweets and little kids get the mini chocolate bars. I figured that would be that. Then, the door opened and a young boy was stood there.

Young Boy: “Trick or treat!”

Me: “Brilliant costume.”

I grabbed the white bucket and gave him some sweets.

Young Boy: “Can my brother have some, too?”

Me: “Where is he?”

Young Boy: “Hiding around the corner.”

Me: “Sure, some special sweets for big kids.”

I gave him a double helping from the orange bucket. I’m guessing that wasn’t appreciated as, only a few seconds later, I heard them thrown at the house. Next year, we might just hand out fruit!

The Zombie Apocalypse Is On A Coffee Break

, , , , , | Right | October 30, 2021

I’m the dumb-a** customer in this story. I am on a road trip and stop at a gas station. It’s pretty late so I’m the only one there. One of the two doors has a “DO NOT ENTER HERE” sign.

Forgetting it’s the Halloween season, and thinking they just don’t want customers to enter using this door, I go to the second door and try for a good few minutes to get it open. It isn’t until the employee informs me that I can enter using the front door that I finally realize it’s a decoration.

I don’t even know what could have been going through the employee’s head, seeing a tired, zombie-looking person, trying their d***edest to open a side door, but I can’t imagine it was anything good.


, , , , | Right | October 12, 2021

I do photography on the side as something to keep me busy when I feel like it and do software development as my daily job. I get messaged on my personal Facebook account a week and a half before their wedding on the 4th of July weekend.

Client: “Hi! I’m getting married on July 3rd and my photographer just dropped out. I only need 2-2.5 hours from around 10 or 10:15 to 12:15 or 12:30?”

Me: “Sorry to hear that happened. I can definitely do that! I would bill just for three hours at $100, just for some leeway for shots after the wedding with family and friends. Let me know what you think.”

In my experience as I’ve done a few weddings, a little extra time never hurts.

Client: “Thank you! I will probably take it! I will let you know. Do you have some pics of your work?”

Me: “Sounds good! You are always welcome! I do! Here’s some of what I’ve done in the past year.”

I insert my (watermarked) portfolio.

Client: “Thank you! So would we do more of a 10-1 thing?”

Me: “You are welcome! Yep! That would give me enough time to get any shots you want outside of the wedding.”

No response after that. The next day:

Me: “I was just checking in to see if you are still interested in me being your wedding photographer. I wanted to scout the location of your wedding this weekend to see what I would need to bring. I also want to get in touch with the venue operators and see if there are any regulations regarding photography at their place of business. Please let me know by tomorrow, or I will assume that you have chosen someone else to do photography for your wedding. Thank you!”

Client: “Hello! I should know within the next couple of hours if we will be receiving pictures for a gift or not! I will let you know ASAP! Also, the wedding is actually at my parent’s house.”

The evening of July 2nd involved a Coors Light or two. July 3rd involved me sleeping in and enjoying my long weekend.

Jesus Died So You Could Troubleshoot

, , , | Right | October 7, 2021

My friend and I are doing freelance programming as a side job. One job is for an office of the Catholic Church. We both are Christians; we usually refrain from hitting people over the head with it, but we won’t deny it if asked. This being the church, the subject has come up and been dealt with.

They know that, for us, Good Friday and Easter Sunday are the biggest holidays of the year. Also, in our country, there are a couple of bank holidays around Easter, so family and friends gather and celebrate. It is much like Thanksgiving in the US.

Shortly before Good Friday, we get this email.

Church: “I assume you do not have much to do during the holidays, so here is a list of bugs and wishes for you to work on.”