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Suddenly Seeing Susan

, , , | Related | March 7, 2012

(My grandma, aunt, and I are sat in the living room after Christmas lunch. My grandma’s napping, and my aunt and I are reading books we received as Christmas presents. I look up as my mum walks in with a slightly mischievous smile on her face. I watch as she sits down next to her sister, back straight, hands on her lap, and starts staring at her. My aunt looks up at her, then back to her book, but her concentration has obviously been broken.)

Aunt: “Susan.”

Mum: *brightly* “Yes?”

Aunt: “You know what.”

(My aunt shuffles slightly further down the sofa. My mum shuffles along with her and keeps staring.)

Aunt: “Sue, stop it.”

Mum: “I’m just sitting here.”

Aunt: “Muuum!”

(My grandma opens her eyes.)

Grandma: “Yes, dear?”

Aunt: “She’s doing it again!”

Grandma: *sighs* “Didn’t you outgrow that, Susan?”

(This is, and has been, my Mum’s favourite way of annoying her sister since she was eight. She’s 52 now.)


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A Punky-Dory Christmas

, , , | Related | February 22, 2012

(I’m out with my mom and grandmother. We are shopping during the Christmas season.)

Grandma: “Oh, look at that young lady’s festive jacket and hair! It’s got Christmas decorations on it.”

(Mom and I turn to see a stereotypical punk girl. She has colourful patches all over her jacket. Her hair is red, though.)

Me: “No, Grandma. She’s being punk, not in the Christmas spirit.”

Grandma: “And see, that’s why you’re here. I would have gone over to her and raved about her coat and asked her where she got all of the decorations.”


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Who’s Dating Who

, , , , | Right | February 22, 2012

(I work as a server in a popular restaurant. This happens on the toughest day of the restaurant year: Valentine’s Day. A couple in their 20s has just been served their meal.)

Me: “How are you both doing this evening? Can I bring you anything else?”

Customer: “We aren’t doing very well at all! You aren’t doing nearly as much as you can to make my lady feel special!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I was trying to make you both feel special this evening. I thought you might want to be the one to make your lady feel extra special.”

Customer: “It’s not my job to make her feel special. It’s your job!”

Customer’s Date: *looks like she wants to die of embarrassment*

Not Quite As Provocative As I Recall

, , , , , | Right | February 1, 2012

(It is 6:00 am on Black Friday. There is a queue waiting to come into the store as soon as I lift the gate. Once the gate goes up, the crowd surges into the store. Immediately, a customer pushes his way through the crowd and begins shouting to me.)

Customer: *shouting* “Where are your ‘Touch Me, Big Guy’ toys?!”

(Overhearing this, everyone in earshot goes silent.)

Me: “Um, I don’t think we carry that toy.”

Customer: “Of course you do! It is really popular this year! You rub and squeeze the toy’s stomach and it giggles in happiness! You know ‘Touch me, Big Guy’!”

Me: “You don’t mean ‘Tickle Me Elmo’, do you?”

Customer: “Is that what it is called?”

(The crowd begins making noise again.)

Customer: “I suppose you might be wondering what Christmas is like at my house.”

Me: “No, sir, not in the slightest.”


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Pretty Real And Really Pretty

, , , , | Related | January 27, 2012

(I’m at my Grandma’s house for Christmas. I have my sketchpad to finish drawing my friend’s Christmas presents. My family is all “oohing” and “aahing” over my work.)

Uncle #1: “You’re pretty good.”

Me: “Thanks.”

Aunt: “Yeah, this is pretty impressive.”

Uncle #2: *whispering* “Notice how they keep saying it’s pretty good, but no one is saying you’re really good.”


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