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Actually Has No Beef With You Working Thanksgiving

, , , | Right | November 25, 2021

Customer: “This is bulls***!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “They make you work on Thanksgiving! You got family in town?”

Me: “I do.”

Customer: “That’s f***** up. You should be there! Corporations have too much power. They shouldn’t get in between you and your family.”

Me: “Thanks, but it’s not that bad. I get off around two and then I get to go to my family’s place.”

Customer: “F***** up, man.”

We stand in silence for a few seconds.

Me: “Um… anything else?”

Customer: “Yeah. Can I get half a pound of beef?”

10 Totally Terrific Tales About Thanksgiving!

, | Right | November 25, 2021

Dear readers,

It’s Thanksgiving again! Already! It’s been another wild year, and we’ve got a lot to be thankful for. We’re definitely thankful for all of you! Now, enough of the gushy stuff and onto what you’re really here for: the laughs!

Last year in our Thanksgiving roundup, we focused on the plight of retail workers everywhere. This year, we’ve decided to dive into another aspect of Thanksgiving that can cause all kinds of stress: family. Whether you’ve got drunks, bigots, or pranksters at the table, we hope you get through your holiday without coming to blows!

For your dining pleasure, here are 10 funny stories from our archives about families at Thanksgiving!

 

Thankful For The Shift – Honestly, this is fair. Sad, but fair.

Pranksgiving – How does a person get to be old enough to drive and not know that?!

Getting High On Misinformation – Bringing a date to Thanksgiving dinner is stressful. Might as well make it fun!

(more…)

He’s A Lie-Smith

, , , | Right | November 25, 2021

Customer: “Do you have any bigger turkeys?”

Me: “No, sir. That’s all I have.”

A few minutes later:

Customer: “I screwed that up. I’m supposed to pick up a turkey we ordered.”

Me: “Sure. What’s the name?”

Customer: “Smith.”

I go look in the back. I don’t see a turkey for Smith. I look at the order book — still no order for Smith. I’m fully ready to get yelled at.

Me: “Um… I don’t see your name in the orders. Do you know who you spoke to?”

Customer: *Creepy smile* “I was hoping that was a common enough name that there would be one in the back.”

Me: “So, you didn’t order a turkey?”

Customer: *Bigger smile* “Happy Thanksgiving!”

These Are The Same Jerks Who Talk In The Movie Theater

, , , , , , , , , | Right | October 31, 2021

I am an actor in a drive-through scare attraction. It’s like a classic haunted house attraction except that people drive instead of walking through. Various scenes play out and the scares get bigger as they reach the climax of the story.

When they first enter, they are given clear instructions: stop at the stop sign in each zone, only proceed when the light turns green, and drive no more than three miles per hour.

Most people can follow these simple instructions. Most.

As with most scare attractions, there is a combination of pre-recorded dialogue, sound effects, and spoken dialogue/scares. It’s important to keep traffic moving but also give cars the green light when it’s safe to move forward. Otherwise, we get cars backed up which hurts everyone’s experience and makes accidents more likely.

[Guest #1] drives into my scene. The track is playing with dialogue from the main protagonist and antagonist, and I’m waiting for my cue. [Guest #1] stares at me for a moment, completely ignoring the dialogue blasting into his car, before loudly saying, “I guess she isn’t going to wave us through,” and speeds off, nearly hitting the car ahead of him.

It’s almost as though I didn’t turn on your green light for a reason!

[Guest #2] stays for the entire scene. The jump scare happens and I, in character, yell at them to “Get outta here!” and hit the green light.

[Guest #2] just sits there. And sits there. Cars are now waiting behind her. She doesn’t even look at me: the green light is right in her face and she’s staring straight ahead. After an agonizing forty-five seconds, she finally remembers that green means go.

[Guest #3] comes rolling in. He and his buddies are having a blast — and not in a good way. They’re chattering so loudly that they nearly drown out the very loud audio track. They don’t stop at the stop sign at all, so I — in character — put my hand up and tell them to stop. They laugh at me and drive off at way more than three miles per hour… missing an entire jump scare and causing a backup.

A variation of these events happens every single night.

It never ceases to amaze me how people will pay up to $100 per car and then ruin their own experience. Or how many people can’t follow simple instructions. I guess they laugh and drive forward when crossing guards tell them to stop, too?

Not to mention the catcalling and heckling. I can’t imagine spending $100 just to harass people who are being paid to entertain you. And hecklers almost always miss out on the jump scares. Their loss!

But Does She Sparkle?

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 31, 2021

I’m thirteen and we’re having a Halloween party. I’m sitting in my room with three friends when my older sister knocks and enters.

Sister: “Mum’s going to make garlic bread. How many want some?”

Me, Friend #1, & Friend #2: “Yes, please.”

Sister: “[Friend #3]?”

Friend #3: “Oh, no, I’m allergic.”

We all look at [Friend #3] in confusion, as she’s known for scarfing all the garlic bread. Having gained the attention of the room, she gestures to her costume.

Friend #3: “Obviously.”

She was dressed as a vampire.


This story is part of our Best Of October 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of October 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of October 2021 roundup!