The Land Of The Free To Moan

, , , , , , | Right | July 4, 2019

(I am working on the 4th of July while I am in high school. I volunteer to work this shift since I know there won’t be anyone in and because I have no plans. The only people in the entire store are a manager, a custodian, one employee for all the specialty sections (bakery, deli, etc.), and me.)

Me: “Hello, and welcome to [Grocery Store].”

Customer: “You must be a Democrat, not celebrating the birth of our nation; how dare you!”

(Store policy says to not get involved in confrontations.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. But the store must stay open to help all our customers.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve got a party to get to so let’s hurry this up.”

(I finish up scanning her items and I’m bagging them myself, so it’s going a bit slow.)

Customer: “Can’t you call anyone over to help? This is taking too long!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s a holiday, everyone wanted to be with their families, and I’m the only one working the registers today.”

Customer: “This is terrible service! You should have made other workers come in today!”

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St. Patrick Dyed For You

, , , | Right | March 17, 2019

(Around Saint Patrick’s Day, we dye our lemonade green. We have several signs posted inside and outside the building stating so. A lady comes through drive-thru and orders a lemonade with her meal.)

Customer: “Um, what is this?”

Me: “It’s your lemonade, ma’am. We have green lemonade for Saint Patrick’s day!”

Customer: “I don’t want this! Why didn’t you tell me it was dyed!”

(I think of all the signs posted outside and around the drive-thru speaker, as well as a sticker that is on the drive-thru window.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can get some without any of the dye in it, but I’ll have to ask you to pull forward and we’ll bring it out to you.”

(We have un-dyed lemonade in the back but it will take us a minute to bring some up and pour it, and our orders and time is already stacking up.)

Customer: “No, I just make me a [Soda]. I don’t have time to wait! I’m sorry if I’m angry; I’m just really particular about what goes into my body!”

(I then gave her a [Soda] and fried food and tried to think how that could be any different from the three drops of food dye we put in a five-gallon batch of lemonade.)

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Your New Year’s Resolution Is To Have Good Vibrations

, , , , | Right | December 27, 2018

(It’s a few days after Christmas when I get a box in the mail with what seems like a slightly personal gift. I didn’t order anything, and there’s no note as to who the gift could be from, so I call Amazon’s customer service department to see if I can find out who sent it. For extra context, I’m a cisgender woman. After about ten minutes of verifying my account details, and generally being very professional, the customer service rep finally asks what the problem is.)

Customer Service Rep: “So, you received a box, and you don’t know what’s in it?”

(It sounds like she’s going to look up my account to view the last thing I ordered.)

Me: “No, I just didn’t order it, and I don’t know who sent it. I opened it, so I can tell you what’s in it.”

Customer Service Rep: “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “It’s a vibrator.”

Customer Service Rep: “A vibrator?!

Me: “Yes.”

Customer Service Rep: *hysterical laughter*

Me: “You can see why I want to find out who sent it, right?”

Customer Service Rep: “Wait. Are you single?”

Me: “Yes, and I live with my parents.”

Customer Service Rep: *more hysterical laughter* “Okay, let me check your account and see if you ordered anything like this.”

(She puts me on hold, but I can’t tell if she’s actually checking my account or if she just needed a minute to stop laughing. A minute or two later she comes back and I give her the shipping number. She looks it up, but she can’t find anything besides the warehouse it came from.)

Customer Service Rep: “Okay, well, it seems like this was just an accident, so you can dispose of the item or keep it or whatever you want. Wait, how old are you?”

Me: “21.”

Customer Service Rep: “Oh, good, so you’re the right age for this item. Ha! I’m 46; I could be your mom!” *laughs* “You’re not on the hook to return it, so you can keep it or dispose of it. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Me: *desperately wanting this call to be over* “Nope, that should be it. Thank you for all your help.”

Customer Service Rep: “Be sure to call back if you have any more questions, and have a great New Year!” *giggling as she hangs up*

(I guess a warehouse just accidentally sent me a vibrator. Merry Christmas to me!)

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Black Friday Now Starts Before Black Friday

, , , , , | Right | November 22, 2018

(I am a worker at a sit-down restaurant. I seat people, and bus and wipe tables. It’s Black Friday and we open at 11:00; it’s 10:45. I am wiping tables and doing opening things to be prepared. A clueless customer sneaks in through the staff entrance that clearly says STAFF ONLY and has our times posted. She and her daughter go to the bathroom and we continue working without seeing them. I walk up to the tables near the bathroom and see them.)

Customer: “Hi. We have six people, two kids.”

Me: “Ma’am, we aren’t open yet. You can go up to wait; stand by the front door and wait until 11:00.”

Customer: “But I’m in here. I need to be seated so I have a table.”

Me: “I promise you, you’ll be first in line but we aren’t open. You won’t be helped until we are open, in ten minutes.”

Customer: “Bring me your manager! I’m gonna get you fired.”

(I brought over the manager and she said the same thing and finally gave in. We sat her and all we heard was her complaining about not being helped because we aren’t open. It was a long day.)

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A Scary Hairy Halloween

, , | Right | October 31, 2018

(It’s Halloween and many of the employees are dressing up for charity. I’m wearing a vampire costume with a long black wig. I’m currently scanning a customer’s items through while my coworker bags them. I’m growing my hair out, but it isn’t even touching my shoulders yet.)

Customer: “You look so much like Meat Loaf with that wig!”

Coworker: “I told you! You should definitely grow it out like Meat Loaf?”

Customer: “Oh, have you got long hair already?”

Me: “Well, I haven’t been growing it for very long, so it’s shorter than it is longer.”

Customer: “But why wear the wig?”

Me: “It’s not very long.”

(For the rest of the transaction, the customer looks bewildered and stares at me constantly. It starts getting creepy, so to appease her I decide to take the wig off briefly…)

Customer: “It’s not very long!”

Me: “Like I said…”

(I finish the transaction and we bid farewell to her. She thanks my coworker and deliberately ignores me as she leaves the store. Several hours later, near closing time, the on duty manager comes up to me.)

Manager: “I’ve just had a complaint about you.”

Me: “Me? What did I do?”

Manager: “She… didn’t like your hair.”

Me: *completely forgetting the customer* “The wig?”

Manager: “No.” *pulls my wig off*

Me: “…”

(She came back to the store just to complain about my hair…)

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