She’s Not The Sharpest Item In The Luggage

, , , , , | Right | March 26, 2021

CONTENT WARNING: SELF-HARM

I work as a security guard, screening passengers at the airport.

A lady is pulled over for a bag check because a knife is seen on the X-ray of her carry-on luggage. The knife in question turns out to be a pâté knife. For those readers who are unaccustomed to fine food, there are two kinds of pâté knife: a blunt one and one with a sharpened edge for slicing cold meats.

I pull the knife out of her bag, and guess which type it is?

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but this is sharp so you can’t take it.”

Passenger: “It’s not sharp!”

Me: “No, it’s definitely sharp, so you can’t take it, sorry.”

At this point, like lightning, the lady reaches over the counter and snatches the knife.

Passenger: “IT’S! NOT! SHAAARP!”

She punctuated each screamed word by slashing at her wrist with the knife. On the third stroke, she sliced her wrist deeply.

The knife was confiscated.

I’m certain that she’ll have a nice scar to remind her to behave better in future, especially since she refused any treatment, opting instead for a wad of paper towel which quickly got soaked.

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Another Day, Another Airhead

, , , , , | Working | December 31, 2020

I work at a pharmacy. I’m on the phone with an employee from another pharmacy to get a document regarding one of our mutual patients faxed across.

Employee: “What’s your fax number?”

Me: “Do you have your pen handy?”

Employee: “Sure, do! I always have two things in my hand. One is my pen.”

Me: “Uh, okay, so—”

Employee: “The other is air, just in case you were wondering.”

Me: *Laughing* “I wasn’t gonna go there, but thanks for clarifying!”

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What Did They Think “Sales Call” Meant?

, , , , , , | Working | December 7, 2020

I’ve just answered the phone.

Me: “Good afternoon, [Pharmacy], [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Hi, this is [Caller] from [Unintelligible Company]. I’m calling to tell you about the prices of our printer cartridges.”

Me: “Thanks, but we’re happy with our supplier already and we don’t want to buy any more cartridges.”

Caller: “Oh, don’t worry, sir; this isn’t a sales call. I just want to tell you about the prices of our printer cartridges.”

Me: *Pause* “That is literally the definition of a sales call and we are not interested.”

He hung up.

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Impossible Demands: Back To The Future Edition

, , , , , , | Healthy | November 23, 2020

Customer: “Has the doctor sent you my prescription yet?”

Me: “I’ll just have a look for you.”

I check both the physical file of hard copies and our digital copies saved on the computer.

Me: “Nope, sorry, it hasn’t arrived yet.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s right. The doctor moved my appointment to this afternoon so I haven’t seen him yet.”

Me: *Pause* “That’s probably why I can’t find it. See you this afternoon, then?”

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A Great Scribe Of The Expectations Of Being A Lady

, , , , | Right | November 13, 2020

I am handing a customer her prescription. It’s standard practise (and a legal requirement) that all customers have to sign for their prescription medication.

Me: “I just need a scribble on here, please.”

Customer: “How dare you?!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Ladies do not scribble!”

Me: “Oh. I’m sorry. Can I have a squiggle, then?”

Customer: *Laughs* “Yes, I can do a squiggle!”

She signed happily and went on her way. Whew! I think I dodged a bullet there!

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