Elephants Never Forget; Not So With Humans

, , , , , , , | Related | October 22, 2020

My family is playing board games one night, and we are playing a game where you build a city and place people in it to gain points. My mom places her tile but doesn’t have any people to place on her tile so she doesn’t get any points.

Me: “That’s what you get for spreading yourself too thin. Wasn’t that Napoleon’s problem?”

Brother: “No, he attacked Russia in winter.”

Me: “Then who am I thinking of?”

Brother: “Alexander the Great. But he also attacked Russia in winter.”

Me: “But he had elephants.”

Brother: “No, that was Hannibal.”

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So That’s How He Ended Up On So Many Hundreds…

, , , , | Right | September 21, 2020

When I am at a physical therapy session, two of the other patients start a political debate. I know better than to get involved, but I do hear this gem.

Patient: “Look at Benjamin Franklin! He invented the printing press, then he could get all the money from making the printing press and pursue his life’s work, like inventing the lightbulb.”

I was vastly amused, after I got done being appalled that a woman in her thirties could be so ignorant.

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She Is Suffering From An Acute Case Of Being A Karen

, , , , , , | Right | September 8, 2020

Our store is enforcing strict social distancing measures: mandatory masks, one-way system, hand sanitizer, etc. I am at the customer service desk serving an old man who is wearing a mask when I see a woman enter the store who isn’t wearing one. Since I am the closest member of staff, I call out.

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am? You need to wear a mask if you’d like to shop in-store today.”

She looks at me as if I’ve just cursed her mother and sneers.

Customer: “No way in h*** am I putting one of those on my face! I am medically exempt! My lungs can’t handle them!”

While some states have made lists of medical exemptions for wearing masks, ours has not, and our corporate policy is that everyone wears a mask, no exceptions. 

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid I am going to have to insist. You must wear a mask to shop in our stores.”

She just huffs and marches into the store, ignoring me. I call the security guy and relay the information before returning to my patient older gentleman who has been waiting.

A few minutes later, I see the woman storming up to my desk, enraged. The security guard is close behind her.

Customer: “How dare you call security on me?! I have a medical condition! I have bad lungs! I don’t have to wear a mask! I am going to take your name and get you fired! This is harassment!”

Old Man: “Oh, shut up, lady!”

Customer: “What did you say to me?!”

Old Man: “Lady, I grew up in London when it was being bombed by the Nazis. We had to wear heavy masks for days in case they used poison gas; at the same time, I had to clear away rubble from my neighborhood. If you can’t wear a light piece of cloth for twenty minutes, then you’ve never known harassment in your entire God-d*** life. Now f*** off!”

The woman has tried to interrupt this old man but he wasn’t having any of it. When he finally finishes, she starts loudly screaming more obscenities, but the security guard is already escorting her from the building. The old man turns back to me.

Old Man: “For someone with ‘bad lungs’…”

He didn’t have to finish the sentence as we both smiled.

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Most Concierges Get A Call For A Different Kind Of Taxi Driver

, , , , , | Right | July 20, 2020

This is in the early 2000s, so none of us have smartphones, and while we all have Internet on our computers at school, nobody brought a computer with them. We are in a hotel for a school event. It is well after lights outs and my roommates and I are “sleeping”. So, our conversation is odd, and what follows makes perfect sense at the time.

Roommate #1: “It’s like that guy that tried to kill Reagan to impress the actress from Taxi Driver.”

Roommate #2: “Yeah, exactly! Just like… s***, what’s that guy’s name?”

Roommate #3: “Jodie Foster?”

Me: “No, that’s the actress. The guy was… f***, I can’t remember, either.”

Roommate #1: “It’s gonna bug me until we remember.”

Roommate #2: “Oh, I know!”

[Roommate #2] grabs the room phone.

Roommate #2: “Hello. I know this isn’t in your job description, but can you tell us the name of the guy that tried to kill Reagan?” *Pauses* “John Hinkley. Thank you so much.”

Roommate #3: “Who did you call?”

Roommate #2: “The concierge.”

Telling this story to the rest of the group started a new tradition of trying to find a question that would stump the concierge at any hotel we stayed at. We’d always leave a tip for the night shift concierge when we checked out.

This story is part of our July 2020 Roundup – the best stories of the month!

Read the next July 2020 Roundup story!

Read the July 2020 Roundup!

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They Didn’t Die For Your Right To Demand A Burger

, , , , , | Right | July 19, 2020

I worked at a fast food place as a teenager. I was working on Remembrance Sunday, and at 11:00 am, we held a two-minute silence to remember those who fought in the wars. There were signs up in the restaurant to tell customers that this would be happening, and most customers were joining in with the silence.

But there was one gentleman who so desperately wanted his burger that he banged his fist on the counter, demanded to know why I wouldn’t serve him, and began to swear. I quietly told him about the silence and that I would be with him as soon as it was over. Well, that wasn’t good enough; he continued to swear, stomp his feet, and sigh loudly until he decided less than one minute remaining was too long to wait and stormed out. 

Such a nice bloke.

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