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April Fool Leads To April Showers

| Romantic | April 11, 2013

(My boyfriend has a serious look on his face as he sees me enter our homeroom. He approaches me.)

Boyfriend: “There’s something I have to tell you.”

Me: “Sure, what’s up?”

Boyfriend: “I’m moving to Florida. I have three months left to spend here.”

(We look at each other in silence for a moment.)

Boyfriend: “There’s one other thing.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “April Fool’s!”

(I give him a light slap.)

Me: “Screw you! You really had me worried!”

Boyfriend: “I got you!”

(I got him back later when I poured salt in his water bottle at lunch.)

Why Cartesians Need To Coordinate With Cartography

| Learning | April 10, 2013

(I’m about to go on a high school exchange to Japan for a year. I’m required to mail them some homework to my math teacher in order to complete the semester I’d be missing.)

Me: “Hi, [math teacher!] I’m here to pick up my worksheets.”

Math Teacher: “Have fun in Japan and wherever else you go. Are you going drive across the border and explore China while you’re there? You really should while you can, young lady.”

(I was pretty embarrassed for him, so I stared at my shoes as I mumbled an awkward response.)

Me: “My host family doesn’t have any plans to fly there from the islands of Japan. I have to go.” *rushes out*

This Teacher’s Logic Is Unquestionable

| Learning | April 10, 2013

(We’re starting some class work and we’re not allowed to talk to each other. Our teacher is sometimes very strict and doesn’t let us go out to use the washroom or get drinks. Normally this isn’t an issue, but today one of the most stuck-up girls in class starts having an obviously fake coughing fit.)

Stuck-Up Girl: “Ms. [teacher’s name], may I go get a drink of water?”

Teacher: “No. Continue with your work. Class is just about over.”

Stuck-Up Girl: “But I really need a drink!”

Teacher: “No.”

(The stuck-up girl restarts her fake coughing fit.)

Stuck-Up Girl: *dramatically* “But I have asthma! What if I die?!”

Teacher: “I think we can live with that.”

OH-nly If You Wis-H2 Deto-Na-te

, , , , | Learning | April 8, 2013

(We are locating elements on the periodic table in my chemistry class. Note that sodium in its pure elemental form is toxic and combusts in contact with water, and is not to be confused with sodium chloride, AKA common table salt.)

Classmate: “Sodium? Is that the sodium that’s on like, a nutrition label?”

Me: “Not quite.”

Classmate: “So, like, can you eat it?”

Me: *smirking* “Yes. Once.”

(The teacher snorts when she overhears this.)

Classmate: “I don’t get it!”

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Granny Get Your (Grandson’s) Guns

, | Learning | April 5, 2013

(In my high school’s cafeteria, there are two cash registers where you pay for your food. One is run by a middle-aged man, and the other by an elderly woman. The following takes place in the elderly woman’s cash line as she is giving Customer #1 his change.)

Customer #1: “God, can you be any slower? We only got twenty minutes to eat, lady!”

(The elderly woman continues to count out the change, ignoring him.)

Customer #1: “Come ON! I mean, why haven’t they fired you yet?! You’re way too old and slow to be even working!”

(At this point, the rest of us in line, as well as the man running the second register and a couple of teachers, have had about enough. The guy in front of me, who happens to be this woman’s grandson and the captain of the wrestling team, taps Customer #1 on the shoulder.)

Customer #2: “What’s that you’re saying about my granny, punk?”

(Customer #1 goes ghost-white when he sees the muscle-bound kid behind him.)

Customer #1: “Uh, I—”

Customer #2: “She has been nothing but sweet to you this whole time. You have absolutely no right to speak to her that way.” *raises fist* “Apologize. Now.”

Customer #1: “I’m sorry, lady! I’m sorry!”

Customer #2: *fist still raised* “Now take your food and your change and don’t even think about insulting my granny again. Got that?”

(Customer #1 grabs his things and runs to a table, where the vice principal is waiting to take him for a little walk. As he and Customer #1 walk out of the cafeteria the rest of the student body explodes into cheers for Customer #2, who exchanges a quick hug with his granny and goes to sit down. Even champion wrestlers love their grannies!)