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Green It, Demean It

| Learning | April 17, 2013

(It’s parent-teacher night at my school. My mother has come and makes a beeline for my English teacher’s room.)

My Mom: “Hi, I’m [my mom’s name], [my name’s] mother.”

Teacher: “I’m Mr. [teacher’s name]. I’m the English teacher for freshman and sophomores.”

My Mom: “My daughter tells me you’ve let her read Romeo & Juliet out loud to the class?”

Teacher: “Yes, they actually pay attention.”

My Mom: “Speaking of paying attention, my daughter came home with a green hand the other day and said she did it in your class. Why didn’t you stop her?”

Teacher: “To be honest, ma’am, I was surprised she could have the attention span to color her entire hand with a marker and actually pay attention to the assignment at the same time.”

My Mom: “Why didn’t you stop her? Her hand was green for days!”

Teacher: “By not saying anything, I just taught your daughter never to color her hand again.”

(My mom was mad that other parents in the room started laughing, but it’s true. I never did it again.)

On A Winning Streak

| Learning | April 14, 2013

(There is a kid in my class who is known for being a class clown. Because we live in a town with two colleges, we get a student teacher from January through April. This year, our teacher is a very attractive young female who the class clown has a crush on.)

Student Teacher: “Guys, I’m disappointed. I warned you that this was a very difficult paper to write. Over half of my last class failed because of my 10-point rule. It’s worth 200 points, so it is a huge part of your grade. I expected better.”

(My entire class starts freaking out as she passes out the papers.)

Class Clown: *repeating* “Please, please let me pass—”

(He stops as he sees his paper: a nice, big score of 180.)

Class Clown: “Excuse me.”

(The class clown stands up and takes off his shirt.)

Student Teacher: “Whoa! What do you think you’re doing?!”

Class Clown: “I am going streaking in the hallway. Bye.”

(My student teacher was too embarrassed to stop him. He was quickly stopped by the school officer, who was luckily right outside!)

The Science Of Self-Incrimination

| Learning | April 12, 2013

(I’m sitting in science class. The teacher mentions that he read something in the news about parents getting their pants in a bunch. It’s over their kids accessing p*rn sites by ‘accidentally’ stumbling upon it by looking up an innocent word like ‘lollypop.’)

Teacher: “I don’t know what the big fuss is about. My wife and I actually tried all last night to find something and all that came up were paid sites. I mean, unless these parents are giving their kids their credit cards, there’s no way the kids could have had access to this stuff.”

Me: *chuckles* “You’ve been searching under the wrong key words.”

(The entire class, including my teacher, turns and stares at me bug-eyed.)

Me: *head desk*

It Was A Cownjugal Visit

| Learning | April 12, 2013

(I am a high school science teacher.)

Student: “Sperm stands for something, right?”

Me: “No, dude. You make sperm!”

Student: “But it could still stand for something!”

Me: “Oh yeah? Like what?”

Student: “Uh… Somebody… Please… Enter… Respectively… Moo?”

April Fool Leads To April Showers

| Romantic | April 11, 2013

(My boyfriend has a serious look on his face as he sees me enter our homeroom. He approaches me.)

Boyfriend: “There’s something I have to tell you.”

Me: “Sure, what’s up?”

Boyfriend: “I’m moving to Florida. I have three months left to spend here.”

(We look at each other in silence for a moment.)

Boyfriend: “There’s one other thing.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “April Fool’s!”

(I give him a light slap.)

Me: “Screw you! You really had me worried!”

Boyfriend: “I got you!”

(I got him back later when I poured salt in his water bottle at lunch.)