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It Was A Cownjugal Visit

| Learning | April 12, 2013

(I am a high school science teacher.)

Student: “Sperm stands for something, right?”

Me: “No, dude. You make sperm!”

Student: “But it could still stand for something!”

Me: “Oh yeah? Like what?”

Student: “Uh… Somebody… Please… Enter… Respectively… Moo?”

April Fool Leads To April Showers

| Romantic | April 11, 2013

(My boyfriend has a serious look on his face as he sees me enter our homeroom. He approaches me.)

Boyfriend: “There’s something I have to tell you.”

Me: “Sure, what’s up?”

Boyfriend: “I’m moving to Florida. I have three months left to spend here.”

(We look at each other in silence for a moment.)

Boyfriend: “There’s one other thing.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “April Fool’s!”

(I give him a light slap.)

Me: “Screw you! You really had me worried!”

Boyfriend: “I got you!”

(I got him back later when I poured salt in his water bottle at lunch.)

Answering To A High School-er Power

| Learning | April 11, 2013

(It’s my first year teaching high school. One of my students is incapable of turning in assignments or accepting anything I say without audible commentary.)

Me: “Your assignment was due last week. It’s a zero.”

Student: “But Mr. [my name], I had two soccer games so I couldn’t do it!”

Me: “I’m not going to argue with you. Games are not an excuse. It was on the homework page. It’s time for class, and you’re interrupting. Sit down and be quiet; the discussion is over.”

(I turn back to the board.)

Student: *stage whispers* “God!”

Me: “‘Mr. [my name] will be quite sufficient, [student’s name].”

Why Cartesians Need To Coordinate With Cartography

| Learning | April 10, 2013

(I’m about to go on a high school exchange to Japan for a year. I’m required to mail them some homework to my math teacher in order to complete the semester I’d be missing.)

Me: “Hi, [math teacher!] I’m here to pick up my worksheets.”

Math Teacher: “Have fun in Japan and wherever else you go. Are you going drive across the border and explore China while you’re there? You really should while you can, young lady.”

(I was pretty embarrassed for him, so I stared at my shoes as I mumbled an awkward response.)

Me: “My host family doesn’t have any plans to fly there from the islands of Japan. I have to go.” *rushes out*

This Teacher’s Logic Is Unquestionable

| Learning | April 10, 2013

(We’re starting some class work and we’re not allowed to talk to each other. Our teacher is sometimes very strict and doesn’t let us go out to use the washroom or get drinks. Normally this isn’t an issue, but today one of the most stuck-up girls in class starts having an obviously fake coughing fit.)

Stuck-Up Girl: “Ms. [teacher’s name], may I go get a drink of water?”

Teacher: “No. Continue with your work. Class is just about over.”

Stuck-Up Girl: “But I really need a drink!”

Teacher: “No.”

(The stuck-up girl restarts her fake coughing fit.)

Stuck-Up Girl: *dramatically* “But I have asthma! What if I die?!”

Teacher: “I think we can live with that.”