(It is shortly after Miley Cyrus’ infamous performance on the VMAs.)

Student: “Man, I just wanna go home, lie down, and cuddle with my teddy bear.”

Teacher: *under his breath* “Better hope Miley hasn’t twerked on it.”

(I’m taking a history class that isn’t exactly filled with the brightest bulbs in the school. We’re learning about the 1950s and the Cold War when a student raises her hand.)

Student: “If you saw the atom bomb coming down, and you ran away, would you survive?”

(The teacher and class all stare at her for a moment, processing this question before the teacher finally responds.)

Teacher: “…no. So anyway—”

Student: “Well, what if you got on a bike?”

Teacher: “…still no.”

Student: “A car?”

Teacher: *exasperated* “No!”

Student: “Well, what if—”

(At this point our teacher has had enough, and walks straight in front of the girl’s desk.)

Teacher: “If you are close enough to see the atom bomb falling, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.”

(My class had happened to get the same English teacher for four years in a row, so everyone knows each other rather well. One student in particular rarely ever pays attention and is prone to asking questions that have already been answered, or otherwise strange questions. We’re studying Hamlet.)

Teacher: “[Student], could you read Act III, Scene I, starting at line 1749. I’ll tell you when to stop reading.”

(This is Hamlet’s famous soliloquy.)

Student: “To be, or not to be, that is this the question.” *stops reading and looks puzzled* “I’ve heard this somewhere before; where’s it from, sir?

Teacher: “…uhh… this.”

(The class erupts into laughter.)

Student: *genuinely shocked* “Really? I thought it was from somewhere else; Shakespeare is so full of clichés!”

Teacher: “Funny about that…”

(The teacher then rattles off a list of clichés, all of which have their first known usage in Shakespearean works. This student does not ask many questions for the rest of the year.)

This story is part of the Talk Like William Shakespeare Day roundup!

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(The chemistry teacher does a trick where you fill bubbles with methane, pick them up in your hands, and put them over a Bunsen Burner. It flares up, but if you pull your hands away quickly and shake the fire off, it won’t burn you. He lets us try it.)

Student: “Oooh, I wanna do it!”

Teacher: “Okay. Remember, once the bubbles flare up, pull your hands back and shake any fire off RIGHT AWAY.”

(The student puts her hand down without shaking it. Her hand has caught fire and she doesn’t realize it.)

Classmate: “[Student], you’re on fire!”

(Despite the water the student has put on her hand to shield it, the fire is growing slowly.)

Me: “[Student], you’re ON FIRE! PUT IT OUT!”

Student: “Oh, ha, you’re so funny. NOT.”

Classmate #2: “You idiot, your hand is ON FIRE! PUT IT OUT BEFORE IT BURNS YOU!”

(The student finally looks at her hand, now basically engulfed in flames.)

Student: “OH GOD! AH! AHHHHHH!”

(The student runs around the room smacking her hand against her lab apron, leaving a trail of fire behind her, as we all stare mutely. After 20 seconds, she finally puts it out. The teacher checks her hand and finds that the water actually did protect her from being burned beyond a few blisters.)

Teacher: “Well, guess who’s never doing this again.”

Student: “Well, why didn’t they tell me my hand was on fire?”

Classmate #3: “Fine, I’ll tell you now.” *starts to sing* “This girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiire, this girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiiire!“

(We’re sitting in Canadian history class, and the teacher is known for his over-the-top, strict ways and mind set. We’re not allowed cell phones during class times but some teachers are ‘cooler’ about it. This one is not.)

Teacher: “[My name], WHAT are you doing?! Give me that phone right now!”

Me: *looking up slowly* “Sorry?”

Teacher: “Your phone! Give me that right now! You know the rules! You are in so much trouble!”

(He proceeds to walk up the class towards my desk while everyone is watching.)

Me: “I don’t have my phone out, I was just—”

(He cuts me off by grabbing near me where he assumes I have my phone. I lean back in my seat and stand up.)

Teacher: “What do you think you’re doing!?”

Me: “I do not have my phone; it’s my insulin pump! It has an alarm on it that goes off before lunch to remind me to check my sugars. I was letting it know I remembered, so it didn’t go off!”

(I proceed to show him the pump attached to my jean pocket and he turns redder and steps back.)

Student Beside Me: “Wow, [teacher] what a rude thing to do.”

Teacher: “Erm, hum… Oh, class dismissed early for lunch!”

(He rushes from the room and the entire class, including myself, is silent. I end up going to the office; the teacher is spoken to and has never just assumes something for the rest of the term.)