(The teacher is trying to simplify the dress code for a group of girls who don’t seem to get the concept.)

Teacher: “No cleavage. No midriff. No a**. No a**-crack, more specifically.”

(My ex-boyfriend and I have been trying to reestablish a friendship, in order to keep the classes we share tolerable. It’s going pretty well, when this happens in Spanish Literature:)

Me: “I told you. I told you there was a village.”

Ex: “I only said I thought there wasn’t one.”

Me: “No, you said there wasn’t. And I was right.”

Ex: “No, I said I thought. You were right, but I wasn’t wrong.”

Classmate: “[Ex], this is why you don’t have a girlfriend!”

(Neither of us knew what to say.)

(I’m in 6th year, have finished my final exams, have been awarded the top academic prize, and am waiting to leave school. We are required to attend a mandatory meeting with the careers advisory teacher, someone I have had zero contact with throughout my entire time at school and who, as far as I’m aware, has no knowledge of me.)

Teacher: “So I understand from Mr. [Name] that you do a lot of mountaineering and climbing?”

Me: “Yes…”

Teacher: “Great. I have decided that since you spend a lot of time in the hills that you should be a forester. I have a got a lot of details on apprenticeships and training you can start on.”

Me: “What on earth are you talking about?”

Teacher: “I’m the careers advisory teacher and I decide what you should do.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s never going to happen. If you actually did your job you might know that I have a place studying law at university in September. Thanks for your ‘help,’ but no thanks!”

(Our principal has always been a quiet and polite man who has very little to do with students from day to day. It’s his last year with us before he retires. It is the day after ‘muck-up-day,’ a day where the graduating students play little pranks on each other and usually vandalise the school in playful and easy to clean up ways. This year they weren’t any worse than the previous years but we have an unexpected end of day assembly.)

Principal: “You may be wondering why you are all here. As you know this is my last year at the school. I have seen many, many classes of graduating classes and I have to say I have never been more disappointed in my entire time teaching. Your behaviour yesterday was completely unacceptable. It reflected poorly on yourselves and on the school itself…”

(He continues ranting on like this for a good five minutes, his voice getting louder and louder. This is a man who has never raised his voice before in front of the whole school in his life.)

Principal: “…in conclusion I have to say that I am extremely disappointed in the Year 12s this year. The only course of action left to me is to cancel the Year 12 graduation ceremony and ball!”

(All the Year 12s cry out in protest but he ignores them.)

Principal: “Now, your head boy and girl have something to say to you.”

(He walks off and sits down leaving his notes on the pedestal. The head boy, a little shaken and nervous, walks up and looks down at the note.)

Head Boy: “All it says here is ‘April Fools.'”

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(Classmate #2 has had a brace fitted into the roof of her mouth, so she can’t pronounce certain letters for a while. My other classmates find this highly amusing.)

Classmate #1: “Hey, [Classmate #2]! She sells sea shells on the sea shore!”

Classmate #2: *deadpan* “I will break you.”