(It’s the end of my 12th year at high school and I have just finished up an art project for my final grade. Not 12 hours after finishing the project and having it hung out in the hall with the other 26 similar projects it’s stolen from the hall without a trace. This conversation follows.)

Me: “I just don’t understand. I mean… it’s well over 12 feet up there and that’s just to touch it.”

Teacher: “I don’t know… but who ever took it must have REALLY liked it to climb 12 feet for a single project and then sneak it out.”

Me: “I’m still getting the grade for this right?”

Teacher: “Kid, if your project was good enough to be stolen… Yeah, you’re getting that grade.”

(In the end, I never did find out who took that project, nor did the school find out, either. To this day I wonder where that picture could be or who it was given too.)

(Students have just turned in rough drafts of lab reports and I am meeting with them to go over what they did well and what they should change. One student was rather vague with his descriptions and explanations)

Me: “I think I know what you’re trying to describe here, but you have to be more explicit in your explanations of the lab.”

Student: “Could you give me an example?”

Me: “Sure. Here, for instance, you say ‘the buret took some time to drain, then we measured it.’ I need more than that. The explanation needs to be more explicit.”

Student: “Okay.”

(He takes his paper back and two days later returns it with corrections, though not with the corrections I was expecting.)

Second Draft: “The godd*** buret took f***ing FOREVER to drain! Then we f***ing measured that b**** and figured out how much s*** came out.”

(A friend of mine from school is notoriously bad at everything to do with school. He’s constantly late, never gets his work in on time, and when he does show up he never pays attention.)

Teacher: “Okay, [Friend], where is your assignment that was due yesterday, seeing as you weren’t here?”

Friend: “My house burnt down.”

Teacher: “Okay, [Friend]. Why do I not believe you?”

Me: “No, seriously, sir. His house did burn down.”

(The teacher looks at me weirdly, as I usually tell the truth.)

Teacher: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yup, not his main house. It was a granny flat with most of their stuff in it.”

Teacher: “Um… was anyone hurt?”

Friend: “Couple of rats and I think a possum…”

Teacher: “Well, okay, I can give you this one, but I will need that assignment eventually!”

(For once, I think he actually did get it in!)

(I am in a freshman biology class in a very conservative school. We are studying reproduction and are watching a video on pregnancy that follows three different couples throughout pregnancy.)

Teacher: “Now I know most of you are squeamish about childbirth, but don’t worry. There is no nudity though it will show diagrams of reproductive systems.

(The movie proceeds as expected until we get to the very end and we are at the part where the last lady is in the hospital giving birth. The movie is showing lots of diagrams, the lady’s face, the husband, and the doctors. All of the sudden, the camera switches to the baby crowning.)

Whole Class: “UGH!” *everyone either turns away or covers their eyes*

Teacher: *rushing over to cover the screen* “I am so sorry! I forgot about that part!”

(She covers the screen for a minute.)

Teacher: “Okay. I rhink that part is over.”

(Almost the second she drops her hands the camera goes back to the baby coming out.)

Whole Class: “Ahhh!” *cover their eyes and look away*

Teacher: “You know what? I think we are done with this for today.”

(Our teacher is explaining to us the digestive system.)

Teacher: “So, the small intestine is around seven meters long.”

Student: “No way! Really?”

Teacher: “Indeed, [Student].”

Student: “But there is no way a seven-meter-long thing fits in me!”

(The entire class starts laughing out loud, and then she realizes what she said.)