The Squeal Ordeal Has Some Appeal

| Learning | June 1, 2013

(It’s my senior year, and we’re partnered up to dissect a fetal pig. It’s grading day, and my partner and I are showing our pig to the teacher.)

Teacher: “Very good; this is A work.”

Partner: “So, we’re done?”

Teacher: “Yes, you can clean up now.”

Partner: “Awesome! I’ve been waiting to do this since we first cut the little sucker!”

(My partner removes the heart from our pig, and starts walking around the classroom, squeezing the heart and making “ha-doom” sounds. The teacher and I just stand there and watch him.)

Me: “This won’t affect my grade, will it?”

Teacher: “[My name], you just earned yourself a perfect score for having to put up with him for the last three weeks.”

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Two Wrongs Do Not Fake A Red Light

| Learning | May 29, 2013

(A student is texting during my Spanish class.)

Teacher: “What on Earth is so important that you have to text about it during my class?!”

Student: “Illegal car parts.”

Teacher: “What?!”

Student: “I’m getting a little black box that will stop cops from tracking when I run a red light. And if they search my car, they won’t find it.”

(I expect the teacher to be horrified that the student is admittedly buying something illegal in order to get away with further law breaking. Instead, she looks fascinated!)

Teacher: “They definitely won’t find it?”

Student: “Right.”

Teacher: “So I won’t get arrested?”

Student: “Nope.”

Me: “[Teacher’s name], are you seriously considering buying one of these things?!”

Teacher: “Well, yes, [my name], because [student] says I won’t get caught! Now seriously where do I buy one? I run red lights all the time!”

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Can’t Get A Word In Nursewise

| Learning | May 29, 2013

(I just passed out in my English class. I wake up in the school nurse’s office, and we have the following conversation. Keep in mind I’m still groggy from fainting.)

Nurse: “I am having trouble contacting your parents. Is there anyone else I can try?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. They’re out of town. Can I call my brother?”

Nurse: “No you certainly can not! We can’t allow you to leave school unless it’s with an adult. Someone 18 or older.”

Me: “But my brother is—”

Nurse: “And the fact that you’d want to pull your brother out of school… it’s so irresponsible. He deserves an education too!”

Me: “Please, you don’t understand—”

Nurse: “Now, since your parents and your emergency contact aren’t responding, I’m going to have to keep you here for the rest of the day.”

Me: “If you would just listen, I could explain that my brother is over 18, and stays at home because it’s cheaper than boarding at [nearby college]! Furthermore, he’s on spring break, so it wouldn’t be interfering with his education! And even if it were, taking care of his little sister is more important to him then missing one class!”

Nurse: “Well, why didn’t you say so sooner?!”

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Some Students Auto Be Expelled

| Learning | May 29, 2013

(A particularly troublesome student is daring the school board to expel him.)

Student: “Go ahead. Expel me. See if I care. I’m not going to need anything you teach me in high school anyway. I’m going to be a mechanic!”

Trustee: “Oh, really? And what makes you think you’d be a good mechanic?”

Student: “Well, I’m always messing around in my dad’s garage, and it seems I know it all already. I don’t need an education to be a mechanic.”

Trustee: “Okay, then, if you want to be a mechanic, tell me this…”

(The trustee proceeds to lay out a mechanical problem.)

Trustee: “So, then, since you’re a mechanic, how would you fix that?”

Student: “What the f*** does that have to do with anything?”

Trustee: “Well, let me tell you son, I was a mechanic for over 20 years. And now, I teach mechanics over at [local tech college]. As a mechanic, that’s the kind of problem you’re going to run into every day. Now tell me. How are you going to solve that problem without at least a high school understanding of math and science?”

(The student ponders these words for a moment. Finally, the student speaks.)

Student: “F*** YOU, OLD MAN!”

(Yeah, he was still expelled.)

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Well, That Was F.U.N.

| Learning | May 26, 2013

(I’m working as a graduate TA at a local high school. The teacher I’m assigned to conducts an independent study class two periods a day. During those classes, the students work on projects of their own choice individually or in small groups. Usually those classes are pretty quiet, but today, while the teacher is out…)

Student #1: *whistles the first line of the ‘Sponge Bob Square Pants’ theme song*

Student #2: “Sponge Bob Square Pants!”

Student #1: “Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!”

Student #2: “Sponge Bob Square Pants!”

Students #1 and #2: “If nautical nonsense be something ya wish…”

Half The Class: “Sponge Bob Square Pants!”

Students #1 and #2: “Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!”

Entire Class: “Sponge Bob Square Pants!”

(The teacher rips the door open and bursts in.)

Teacher: “What the h*** is going on here?!”

Student #1: “Ready?”

Entire Class: “Sponge Bob Square Pants! Sponge Bob Square Pants! Sponge Bob Square Pants!”

Entire Class and Teacher: “Sponge Bob… Square PAAAAAAANTS!”

Student #1: “Ah, har ha har har…”

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