(It’s the end of the day, and we’re having biology. Since it’s been a long day, no one is actually focused on working, so everyone is just talking to each other instead. In my boredom, I decide to imitate ‘Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time’s’ Kaepora Gaebora, an owl notorious for offering useless and obvious ‘help.’)

Me: *quoting a parody video* “Hoot, hoot! I’m Kaepora Gaebora, and I’m here to tell you things that you already know, or don’t care about!”

Classmate: “So, kinda like school?”

(My homeroom/religion class has a substitute teacher. At our school, classroom TVs come on automatically for morning announcements, but have to be turned off manually in each classroom. Instead, this day, someone changed the channel to a sports channel. The substitute puts up with this through homeroom, but once the bell rings…)

Substitute: “All right, guys. TV off.”

Student #1: “No, it can stay on!”

Substitute: “What?”

Student #2: “Yeah! She just leaves it on until religion class is over!”

Substitute: “What…No, you’re full of it, thank you. TV off.”

Student #3: “We could just turn the volume down!”

Substitute: “TV, off!”

Student #1: “But Jesus loves hockey!”

(Our philosophy teacher is in his early 60s. He always tells bad jokes and puns. The whole school loves him, except for one teacher who refuses to lecture next door, as our teacher has a rather booming voice. He even has a fan-page on Facebook, where students share his jokes and ‘advice.’)

Teacher: “If you were on a beach, and everyone wore bikinis and shorts, how would you know who Adam and Eve were?”

Me: “They wouldn’t have navels.”

Student #1: “Wait, Adam and Eve don’t have navels?”

Me: “Of course not. The navel is what’s left of the umbilical cord after you’re born. Adam and Eve were created.”

Student #1: “Oh… that’s weird.”

(The lecture continues.)

Teacher: “Now, why weren’t Adam and Eve allowed to eat from the tree of knowledge?”

Student #2: “Maybe he was testing them? Like, ‘hey, I’ll put this delicious fruit in your reach, but don’t touch,’ just to see what happens?”

Student #1: “Oh, I know! Because if you eat, you have to poop, and you weren’t supposed to poop in the garden.”

Teacher: *pauses for a second* “I think you should let me tell jokes in this classroom.”

(Close to the end of class, he manages to squeeze in one more joke.)

Teacher: “Does anyone know why they didn’t out on a nativity play in [Nearby Town] this year?”

Me: “Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin?”

Teacher: “Why do you know so many bad jokes?!”

(I am a junior, and I am sitting in an upper-level chemistry class just as the teacher is about to give us a test. Another chemistry teacher walks in from the supply room between the two chemistry classes carrying a five gallon-or-so bottle like the ones use on top of water coolers. The bottle appears to be empty.)

Teacher #2: “Mrs. [Teacher #1], do you have a match?”

Teacher #1: “Of course.” *puts down quizzes and retrieves matches from her desk*

Teacher #2: *lights match and drops in bottle, then smiles gleefully as the explosion rocks the entire room*

Teacher #1: *laughs*

Teacher #2: “Yup, I was right. That was methane.” *turns and walks out the door like nothing happened*

Classmate: “So, how old are you, [Maths Teacher]?”

Maths Teacher: “I’m 36.”

Me: “Oh! That’s a square number!”