The Thing On The River Thing

, , , , | Friendly | March 13, 2018

(I have a friend in high school who isn’t the best communicator. When playing guessing games she uses the “hopeful telepathy” method.)

Friend: *obviously trying to beam the right words at us through sheer concentration* “Well, it’s a thing that things in a thing…”

(One time we are leafing through the TV Guide together and find they are showing “Bridge on the River Kwai,” which she has seen and I haven’t.)

Me: “What’s it about?”

Friend: “Well, it’s this bridge, and—” *pointing at actors in the picture* “—he gets killed, and he gets killed, and he gets killed…”

(She didn’t quite sell me on it!)

A Different Kind Of “F” Word

, , , , , , , | Learning | March 12, 2018

(I’m hanging out with my friends during lunch break, and two of them are bantering like typical teenage boys.)

Friend #1: “Dude, why are you being so gay right now?”

Friend #2: “You’re the one being a [gay slur], not me.”

Friend #1: “No! You’re gay!”

Friend #2: “You’re gay!”

Friend #1: “Homo!”

Friend #2: “[Gay slur]!”

(At this point, they’re being so loud that a teacher has overheard them and is walking towards us.)

Teacher: “Hey, guys, I’m not here to change your political views, but do you really have to be using that word?”

Friend #1: “Yeah! He’s a [gay slur]!”

Friend #2: “No! He’s the [gay slur]!”

Teacher: “There you go again with that word! Why are you calling each other ‘[gay slur]’? Why not just call each other ‘[racial slur]’ or something?”

Friend #1: “Whoa, not cool! What if a black person walks by when you say that?”

Teacher: “Exactly. What if a gay person walks by while you two are doing that?”

Friends #1 & #2: “Oh.”

(We learned a very powerful lesson that day.)

You’d Be Barking Mad Not To

, , , , , | Learning | March 11, 2018

(In my study hall class, there’s this one girl who is know for being rather disruptive.)

Girl: “Hey, Mr. Teacher, can I play this video for [Classmate]?”

Teacher: “No. Do your work, please.”

Girl: “But it’s ten seconds long and has a dog in it!”

Teacher: “So, it’s not important?”

Friend: “Did you just say dogs aren’t important?!”

Teacher: “Good point; you can play it.”

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

, , , , , | Learning | March 8, 2018

(It’s the middle of January and it’s pouring rain and freezing cold outside. One of the girls in my class is complaining.)

Student: “Mr. [Teacher], I hate today. My jeans got soaked on my way in, my hair and makeup are ruined, and my shoes are all wet. I hate this weather; it’s destroying my life.”

Teacher: “I think it’s funny how in your world, the sky falls when there’s a little rain. In the real world, we call this phenomenon ‘winter.’”

Student: “Well, I like my world better. It’s always sunny there. Why can’t the real world be like that?”

Teacher: “Because we aren’t in Philadelphia. Good thing you go to college next year; move there and it’ll be your dream fantasy world.”

Student: “Now, why would you want me to go to Philadelphia? That town sucks.”

Teacher: “Well, you’ll be 3,000 miles away, and I won’t have to listen to you complain every day about, uh… everything.”

Student: “But I like complaining to you.”

Teacher: *looking at the calendar* “June can’t come soon enough.”

(The girl ended up going to college in Arizona, and still complains every day, even years later.)

Push Up And Beyond

, , , , , , | Learning | March 7, 2018

My best friend and I had a particular loathing for high school gym class. Our teacher was one of those strict, no-nonsense types who was pretty much always yelling. The worst part was push-ups. Whenever we did them, everyone always laughed at me and said it looked like I was humping the ground, but the teacher never said what I was doing wrong, so I had to keep doing it that way, which didn’t help my already low self-esteem. Thankfully, I only needed to endure it for a year to get the mandatory credit.

Fast forward a few years, and I decide I want to get more into shape. I decide to try push-ups again. This time I get the idea to ask my father — a former gymnast — for advice. I demonstrate what I’ve been doing my whole life, and he tells me that since girls have a different center of gravity, because of the extra weight in the chest area, it’s better for girls to start by keeping their knees on the ground until they build up their strength. I had essentially been doing advanced-level push-ups my whole life, and nobody, not even the gym teacher — who should have known this –had bothered to correct me.

My friend, who also didn’t know about the knee thing, took the words right out of my mouth when I told her about this: “I’m gonna kill her.”

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