Free Will Gets Free Drink

, , , , , | Right | September 14, 2019

(I work in a small pub. It’s a small village and we get quite a few regulars. One of these regulars is my uncle’s best friend. My uncle has recently passed away from bowel cancer, and his best friend is taking it especially hard. Neither men married and my uncle died quite young. I’m behind the bar.)

Me: “Hi, [Best Friend]. How are you today?”

Best Friend: “Not good, love. Can’t wait to get this will business out of the way.”

Me: “Put your money away; this one’s on me.”

(I make a note in the employee book to charge for the drink and pull the pint. Just as I pass it over, this happens:)

Woman: “Why does that man get a free drink? I want a free drink!”

Me: *ignoring the woman* “The restaurant through there is empty at the moment, [Uncle’s Best Friend]. Feel free to go sit down for a minute. I’ll see you in a bit.”

Woman: “Don’t you ignore me! I want a pint of Carlsberg and I’m not paying for it!”

Me: “I bought that man a drink out of my own money as he’s going through a tough time right now. I don’t even know you!”

Woman: “Well, I’m [Woman]; buy me a drink!”

(My manager comes out of the back and the woman’s eyes widen.)

Woman: “Oh, f***.”

Manager: “You’re still barred, [Woman]! Get out!”

(The woman scurries away.)

Me: “What did she do?”

Manager: “She pissed in someone’s pint when they went to the bathroom.”

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Face The Cold Reality Of The Non-Purchaser  

, , , , , | Right | August 21, 2019

(There is a town festival event where lots of local vendors set up stalls for charity. There are fairground rides and a local celebrity is due to arrive at six pm — after our store is closed. It is winter and about -4 degrees Celsius, so customers have started crowding around the front of our store where our heating blasts out, blocking the entryway and not buying anything. We make almost no money because of the crowd huddled in our entryway to take advantage of our heating but not coming inside. Closing time comes around.)

Me: “Sorry, guys! You need to move forward so I can close the door. We’re closing for the night.”

Random Man: “But the celebrity is due any minute!”

Me: “Sir, you need to move outside of the store so I can close the door.”

Random Man: “Can’t you just keep them open? It’s so cold outside. I don’t want to buy anything; I just want to stay warm.”

(Convincing as his argument was, I wasn’t going to stay open for a customer that deliberately told me he wasn’t going to buy anything.)

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Legally Allowed To End You

, , , , , | Right | July 31, 2019

(I am working one night in a small shop on the corner. Think quaint English village, where everyone knows everyone. The owner’s daughter has come in to pick up a set of keys as she is locked out of her home. She lives above the shop. She is almost six feet tall, very blonde, and slender, and is one of the kindest and most beautiful people you would ever meet. I am the opposite: grumpy and short, with dyed black hair and facial piercings.)

Drunk Customer: *staring at the owner’s daughter* “Oh, sweetheart! I would give her one all right! Right in the–”

Me: “I’m going to stop you there. You really don’t want to finish that sentence.”

Drunk Customer: “What do you know, you gothic c***? What kind of religion lets someone into heaven if they do something so stupid to their face?!” *gestures to my facial piercings*

Me: “I warned you.”

Drunk Customer: “She’s legal, ain’t she? Oi, sweetheart! Come home with me?!”

Me: “She’s fourteen.”

(The drunk customer paled just as the owner came out, having heard the tail end of his lewd remarks. You know how I said the owner’s daughter was six foot? She got her height from her father, who is almost seven feet tall and built like a rugby player. The drunk customer was in such a hurry to leave that he fell and chipped his tooth on the railing outside.)

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Daddy’s Girl

, , , , , | Right | June 15, 2019

(I am restocking the department after a busy weekend when a very cute little girl taps me on the leg.)

Little Girl: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me: “Oh, hello.”

Little Girl: “I’ve lost my Daddy.”

Me: “Okay, wait here. What’s your Daddy’s name?”

(She tells me her father’s name and I’m about to contact my colleagues to see if they can locate the father. However, before they do, a woman who is close by the whole time and looks to be the little girl’s mother comes up to us.)

Mum: “What are you doing bothering this man, sweetie? You’re not lost; I was right next to you!”

Little Girl: “Yeah, but I wanted Daddy!”

(I laughed while the mother sighed in exasperation.)

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Doesn’t Have Time To Talk About Time

, , , , , | Right | February 15, 2019

(My job has a couple of clients who are notorious for being difficult on the phone. This one client often makes demands we are unable to fulfill, and is rude and aggressive. On this day, he wants something done by the end of the day that takes two days minimum to be done.)

Me: “It is currently with one of our agents, sir. She needs to authorise it before I can—“

Client: “Right. Put her on the line, then.”

Me: “I can certainly put you through to her. May I put you on hold?”

Client: “No! I don’t want to be put on hold. I’m a very busy man! Just pass the phone to her.”

Me: “She’s actually in a separate office, but she has been waiting for your call. I have to put you on hold to be able to transfer the call to her.”

Client: “No, you don’t. You’re lying to me!”

Me: “I’m not lying, sir. I absolutely can put you through—“

Client: *at the top of his voice* “GO. AND. GET. HER. NOW!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t just leave the phone on my desk to do that. It’s against company procedure. In the time we’ve been talking, I could have put you through. If you would allow me to put you on hold–”

Client: “NO! I am a very busy man and I don’t have time. Get her to call me back in the next thirty minutes or I’ll sue your company!”

(The best bit? He called back fifteen minutes later saying no one had called and did the exact same thing to my colleague. He could have saved a lot of hassle.)

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