Cashier: “Hello.”

Old Lady #1: “Stick out your tongue!”

Cashier: “Excuse me?”

Old Lady #1: “Stick out your tongue!”

Cashier: “Um, why?”

Old Lady #2: “What is that on your tongue?”

Old Lady #1: “Is that the herpes?”

Cashier: *sticks out tongue and points to a pink tongue piercing* “This?”

Old Lady #1: “Yes, what is that?”

Cashier: “A tongue piercing.”

Old Lady #1: *looks to Old Lady #2* “Oh! We thought it was the herpes!”

Cashier: “Uh, no. Just a pink plastic piercing.”

Old Lady #2: “Oh good! I didn’t think they let people with STDs come to work!”

(Customer walks in and is a bright white Jewish guy with a big beard.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, my brother says you can give me a tan so I can look like Wesley Snipes.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You know Wesley Snipes, He’s got a great tan. It looks like he’s a real black guy.”

Me: “Wesley Snipes IS a REAL black guy.”

Customer: “Yeah, because of the great tan he’s got.”

Me: “…Okay?”

Customer: “Look, I just need to be as dark as that guy so I can learn how to rap.”

Me: “You can learn how to rap without being black. Look at Eminem.”

Customer: “Are you gonna give me a tan or what? I have all the money to pay for it.”

Me: “Well, okay. If that’s what you want… but you’re gonna have to shave off that beard and go to the jewelry shop across the street to buy a giant platinum chain with diamonds all over it.”

Customer: “Smart a**!”

(So we put him through the spray tanner like ten times and make him pay 35 bucks for every time. We have almost gotten him as black as Wesley Snipes when our boss walks in and asks what the h*** is going on. He says we have to shave all beards before starting the process. So, now this guy gets his beard shaved by my coworker and the result was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life. He looked like a freaking raccoon!)

(The customer looks in the mirror.)

Customer: “You sons of b**ches, you did this on purpose! You racist b**tards hate Jewish people! All I wanted was a f**king tan!”

(The raccoon got dressed super fast and ran out…)

Me: “Good afternoon! Thanks for calling… How can I help you?”

Customer: “I just got off the phone with poison control!”

Me: “Oh? ”

Customer: “They told me to call you! Tell me, is your cleaning solution toxic?”

Me: “You mean the stuff we use to clean fresh ear piercings?”

Customer: “Yah, that stuff. I mean, I called poison control and they said they weren’t familiar with your product but to call you and find out what’s in it…”

Me: “Well, no, sir, I don’t believe it’s toxic. There isn’t really anything in here that–”

Customer: “–because I ingested a whole bunch of it!”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “I was out of mouthwash. I needed mouthwash.”

Me: “But it isn’t mouthwash… It’s used to clean piercings…”

Customer: “I know; do you think I’m stupid?! That’s why I’m worried!”

Me: “Sir, it isn’t toxic. And for the record, all the ingredients are on the bottle itself.”

Customer: “Why would I look at the bottle? I called poison control!”

Me: “Mhmm. It’s not going to kill you, sir. Just try not to drink any more of it, please.”

Customer: “Oh, good. I’ll call poison control back and tell them that your cleaning solution isn’t a threat to public safety.”

Me: “Please do.” *click*

(I work at a place that provides kayaks, hiking/climbing gear, canoes, and inner tubes for students at our university.)

Young Woman: “Hi, I need deodorant and a tampon.”

Me: “Um, we don’t have those here.”

Young Woman: “What do you mean?”

Me: “This is the Outdoor Center. We provide outdoor recreational equipment for students.”

Young Woman: “Well I’m a student, I’m outside, and I need deodorant and a tampon!”

(About this time my coworker looks up with a look on her face of WTF?!)

Me: “Yeah… those don’t come with kayaks or canoes.”

Young Woman: “They should!”

(I walk off to let my female coworker take over this one.)

(I used to work at this cellphone carrier like Vodafone or Cingular and people usually messed up who they were talking to.)

Me: “Good evening, who am I talking to?”

Customer: “Please, call an ambulance!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t make outgoing calls here. Not even for an ambulance. Please hang up and make the call.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I need an ambulance NOW!”

Me: “I understand. But we can’t call it for you!”

Customer: “Please help me! My cat is dying!”

Me: “Your… what?”

Customer: “My cat! He’s lying on the floor and making weird noises. He’s dying, I need an ambulance.”

(I was never sure if this was a prank call cause the lady sounded pretty serious.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, you really will have to call the vet yourself.”

Customer: “No! I need an ambulance. You can’t refuse to help me like this. I’ll sue you!”

Me: “…for what?”

Customer: “For neglecting help to someone in need! You could have called an ambulance already!”

Me: “You could too if you had just hung up and called somebody yourself, ma’am!”

Customer: “Fine, but if my cat dies, I’ll call you back!” *click*

This story is part of our Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup!

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