The Eight-Year B****

, , , , | Romantic | May 4, 2020

I have a birth control implant put in three months before I get married. The side effect it has on me is that my period stops entirely. Fast forward eight years: I get a period out of the blue. I’ve forgotten how grumpy they make me.

My husband finds me grumbling, curled up on the floor, angry at nothing and everything.

Me: “I am sorry that I’m grumpy. I’m not sure why I am.”

Hubby: “It’s okay, baby. Not meaning to be insensitive, but it’s your time of the… decade?”

He had a point.

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Within Striking Distance

, , , , , | Right | May 4, 2020

With social distancing in full swing, we have spaces on the carpet in front of the counter indicating every six feet so customers can keep their distance. One customer comes up to the pickup area and squirts several applications worth of hand sanitizer on her hands to the point of dripping.

Customer #1: “Hi. Do you have any thermometers in stock?”

Me: “I’m sorry; we’re sold out.” 

The customer grumbles and goes to turn around to leave but sees another customer about four feet behind her. She waves her dripping, sanitizer-covered hands around in surprise, causing some sanitizer to fling into the face of the customer behind her, hitting her eye.

Customer #1: “Social distancing! Social distancing! You need to stand back!”

Customer #2: “Lady, you just got hand sanitizer in my eye!”

Customer #1: “I don’t care! You could have killed me!”

[Customer #1] stormed off. [Customer #2] was fine but obviously confused as to why she was yelled at for basically standing there.

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Produce Bag Produces Results

, , , , , , , | Right | May 2, 2020

It’s March 2020 and I’m shopping for my weekly groceries at my local supermarket. It’s easy to tell that people are freaking out; many people are wearing rubber gloves and almost everyone is keeping silent and has a frown on their face. I’m feeling rather down about it all, until I notice one particular shopper.

This man must have entered the store, seen everyone with gloves, and thought to himself, “Shoot! I didn’t bring gloves! Gotta do something quick!” So he improvised a solution by grabbing some of those flimsy plastic produce bags and putting them on over his hands! 

I stop in my tracks, watching him flap around, trying to keep the bags from floating off of his arms, and doing an impressive dance to keep from dropping heavy cans of soup with the slippery bags on his hands. I barely manage to keep from laughing in front of him, but I have a grin on my face for the rest of the time I am in the store. 

Thank you, random produce-bag man, for giving your fellow shoppers something to smile about when we needed it most! I hope you and your family stay safe and healthy.

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Which Vitamin Makes You Into A Jerk?

, , , , , | Related | May 1, 2020

My grandma moved in with us about a year ago. Ever since, she has been driving us insane. She hates the way we do things and looks for any tiny excuse to complain and say we hate her. Dad has to serve as intermediary because she refuses to listen to anyone else talk. Then, she complains that Dad never takes her side because, “I’m your mother; you should listen to me!”

She takes a very specific brand of vitamins that aren’t sold in stores, at least not here. Mom orders them for her on Amazon. When the vitamins come, Grandma takes the package to her room before she opens it so no one ever sees the bottle. The pills come with the option to have Vitamin K or not. Grandma wants it with Vitamin K, so that’s what Mom orders.

However, this time, Amazon sent the wrong vitamins and Grandma got the ones without Vitamin K. She doesn’t tell us this until AFTER she takes them all. She blames Mom for giving her the wrong stuff. I’m in my bedroom when this happens, but I can hear every word.

Mom: “I ordered the ones with Vitamin K.”

Grandma: “No, you didn’t! You ordered the ones without Vitamin K. You just don’t want me to have my vitamins. You want me dead!”

Mom: “[Grandma], according to Amazon, I ordered the ones with Vitamin K. Give me a minute to pull it up and I’ll show you.”

Grandma: “Don’t bother! You ordered the wrong ones! You just want to see me suffer.”

She takes the stairlift upstairs but keeps yelling.

Grandma: “I need the ones with Vitamin K. Why can’t you just get me what I want?”

Mom: “That’s what I ordered.”

Dad: “Where’s the bottle?”

Grandma: “In the trash!”

Dad: “Why did you throw it away?”

Grandma: “Because it was empty! I need more. Make sure she orders the ones with Vitamin K. The pills are green! These ones were brown.”

She slams her bedroom door shut. Mom shows Dad what she ordered, and Dad heads upstairs.

Dad: “Mom, [Mom] ordered the right thing. Amazon sent the wrong one. If you had read the label, you would’ve seen that it doesn’t have Vitamin K in it and we could’ve sent them back.”

Grandma: “I don’t read labels! I go by the color!”

Dad: “You need to read the label.” 

Grandma: “No, I don’t! The pills should’ve been green, and these ones were brown.”

Dad: “So… why did you take them?”

Grandma: “Well, I needed vitamins.”

Dad: “But if you had told us, we could’ve fixed it. If you had read the label, we could’ve sent them back before you opened them.”

Grandma: “I don’t read the label! I don’t need to!”

Dad: “What if they had changed the packaging?”

Grandma: “They wouldn’t do that. I’ve been taking these pills for sixty years and they’ve never changed the packaging. The pills are green, and these were brown. Make sure [Mom] orders the right ones!”

Dad: “She did! Amazon made a mistake.”

Grandma: “Why would Amazon make a mistake?” 

Dad: “Because they’re not perfect! They can make mistakes just like anyone else!”

Grandma: “No, they don’t.”

Dad: *Pause* “You’re insane. Read the label next time, and if there’s a problem, tell us so we can do something about it!”

Grandma: “No. I don’t need to read the label.”

Dad leaves her.

Dad: “Crazy lady!”

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Always Be Honest At The Doctor’s

, , , , , , | Healthy | May 1, 2020

I have to go get routine blood work and I am not required to fast. I normally get lightheaded and dizzy when doing blood work but only when I have to fast. Still, I’m not the best with needles so I always try to warn the phlebotomist ahead of time.

Me: “Hey, just so you know, I’m not good with getting blood drawn and I have nearly fainted in the past once.”

Phlebotomist: “Nope, not again. Stand up.”

She has me get up off the chair so she can recline it so I’m less likely to get woozy. 

Me: “What did you mean not again?”

Phlebotomist: “I’ve had three appointments already today where people have fainted because they neglected to tell me they had issues with getting blood drawn until after they were on the ground.”

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