Oh, My Sweet Summer Child

, , , , , | Healthy | September 23, 2019

(At the school where I teach, the cafeteria staff has gotten a grant to provide fresh fruit and vegetables to all students two afternoons per week; on this day, the snack is Honeycrisp apples.)

Student: “Are these sweet?”

Me: “Yes; Honeycrisp are really sweet, especially compared to other apples.”

Student: “Well, I’m on a diet and my mom says I’m not supposed to have sugar or sweets.”

Me: “Well, apples are sweet because they’re naturally sweet, not because there’s any sugar added.”

Student: “Yeah, but I’m not supposed to have any sweets. I’ll have something healthier, like chips.”

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Only Thing That Dog Did To A Stick Was Fetch It

, , , , , , , | Healthy | September 23, 2019

Caller: “My dog is pregnant!”

Me: “Ah, would you like to make an appointment to confirm?”

Caller: “Confirm? I already confirmed!”

Me: “Oh, I see. So, a follow-up appointment. Could I have your dog’s name, please?” *takes details* “I don’t see anything in her records about her pregnancy. Did you have her tested at another vet?”

Caller: “No, we’ve only ever gone to you.”

Me: “Then I would advise one of our team examine her to confirm.”

Caller: “I just told you. I’ve already confirmed. I peed on the stick and everything.”

Me: “Sorry? You used a human pregnancy test on your dog? 

Caller: *huffs* “No, I put [Dog] on my stomach like you told me to, and peed on the pregnancy test I got from the pharmacy. It was positive.”

Me: “…”

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “Sorry, umm, we wouldn’t advise that as a means of determining your dog’s pregnancy. You should come into the vet where we can test her. And I would probably advise you go to the doctor and have yourself checked.”

Caller: “Are you saying I’m crazy?”

Me: “No, I’m saying you might be pregnant.”

Caller: “Oh.”

(We make an appointment, although I’m doubtful the dog is actually pregnant.)

Me: “Before you go, could I just ask where you got this pregnancy test idea? You said we may have advised it?”

Caller: “Not you specifically. A vet on Reddit told me about it.” *hangs up*

(I was working reception when she had her appointment. I asked if she had been to the doctor, to which she went on an elaborate story about seeking a holistic abortion centre — something else she read about online. The vet who examined the dog confirmed she wasn’t pregnant, and told me after the woman had left that she had never met anyone so out of touch with reality.)

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The State Of California Maybe Has A Point

, , , , | Legal | September 20, 2019

(A friend of mine in high school has an older brother who is 1) legally blind and 2) completely lacking in fear or common sense. His vision is such that the center of his field of view is black, so he can only see out of the edges of his eyes. He manages to ride bicycles and such okay, although he has had a few close calls. When he moves to California, he buys a used motorcycle. He is riding it and gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.)

Cop: “May I see your license, please?”

Brother: “The good state of California didn’t see fit to give a blind man a license, officer.”

(Yeah, he ended up getting hauled down to the station for that one. Got charged with reckless endangerment. But he had a snappy comeback!)

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The Only Heavy Lifting Required Is Getting Into Their Stubborn, Thick Head

, , , , | Working | September 18, 2019

(Months ago, I injured my back. The way it happened, combined with a few other issues, means it hasn’t healed yet. I’ve been told not to lift more than ten pounds to keep it from getting worse, which my managers are okay with. A customer orders some furniture, which is in the back. I radio for a coworker to get it since the pieces are over fifty pounds each. Another coworker on the next register gives me a look.)

Coworker: “Why can’t you go get it?”

Me: “Back injury. I can’t lift that much.”

Coworker: “I saw you lift some stuff the other day!”

Me: “I couldn’t have; I’m on restriction.”

Coworker: “I am, too, but I ignore it. You can’t just not do your job!”

(My customer jumps in.)

Customer: “She is doing her job! She’s making sure I still get what I’m wanting, while you harass her over something that’s probably none of your business!”

(My coworker didn’t talk to me for the rest of my shift. I gave the customer a small discount.)

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Slapping Some Sense Into Them

, , , , , , | Working | September 17, 2019

(Before our shift starts, we always have a thirty-minute meeting to make any announcements and do training. I’m sitting in front of a coworker who I know pretty well, since we do both of our weekly volunteer days together. As the supervisor’s making an announcement, she slaps me on the back of the neck.)

Coworker: “What did he say?”

Me: “He just explained the changes they’re making to the schedule. He’s handing out the new schedule at the end of the meeting.”

(A minute later, she slaps me again.)

Coworker: “But if we have a new schedule, when will it go into effect?”

Me: “He just said next week. If you listen, you’ll find all of this out.”

(Another minute later, someone else mentions an upcoming event that we can mention to tourists. I get slapped a third time, this time so she can ask if tickets are still available for the event. All of this is information that she could get if she just stopped smacking me and listened to the announcements. After the meeting…)

Me: “If you have questions, ask the people making the announcements. I don’t like being smacked every time you’re not paying attention.”

(She looks suddenly very sympathetic.)

Coworker: “I forgot. You don’t like being touched.”

Me: “Touching is fine. Slapping me to get my attention isn’t.”

Coworker: “Because you’re autistic.”

Me: *baffled* “I’ve never been autistic, but if I were, why would that be the only reason that I don’t like being slapped?”

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