On The Plus Side, You Can Cuss All You Want
Me: “Can I start you off with something to drink?”
Half-Deaf Customer: “I’D LIKE THE FISH!”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, can I get you something to drink?”
Half-Deaf Customer: “HE’LL TAKE THE STEAK!”
Lesson Of The Day: Food Poisoning = Bad
(Note: the FDA recently recalled tomatoes because of a salmonella outbreak.)
Me: “… and what veggies would you like on your sandwich?”
Customer: “Lettuce, tomato, and onion; that’s all. And some mayo.”
Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we’re not selling tomatoes right now, but I’ll put the rest of that on for you.”
Customer: “What? Why can’t I have tomatoes?”
Me: “Because the FDA is worried that they may be contaminated with salmonella and until we’re sure that ours are safe, we’re not allowed to sell them.”
Customer: “Your tomatoes are contaminated?! How can you sell tomatoes that are contaminated? That’s disgusting! I can’t believe you!”
Me: “Ma’am we’re NOT selling them.”
Customer: “Well, why the h*** not?!”
Me: “Because the FDA says they might not be safe and we don’t want our customers to get sick.”
Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. I want tomatoes.”
Me: “All right, ma’am, but I suggest you leave off the mayonnaise, then.”
Customer: “Umm… okay. Why?”
Me: “It tends to taste bad when mixed with salmonella.”
Born To Offend
Me: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”
Woman: “Oh, when is your baby due?”
Me: “I’m not pregnant, ma’am, just fat.”
Woman: “That’s very rude, you know. Pretending to be pregnant just so people can be nice to you!”
Me: *gritting teeth* “I am not pretending anything, ma’am, I promise you. Now, how may I help you?”
Woman: “No! You are a liar, and I am going somewhere where non-lying people can help me!”
Me: “Thank you, ma’am, and have a nice day.”
Woman: “LIAR!”
Old Dames Have The Best Backhands
Old Lady: “And how old are you, about sixteen?”
Me: “I’m twenty-seven years old, ma’am.”
Old Lady: “But… you’re so pretty!”
Me: “Er, thanks.”
(I guess I should try harder to look ugly from now on.)
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5 Minutes And 9 Months
(A couple walks up to my line and the guy puts his stuff on the belt first. Then, the girl puts up a divider and her stuff.)
Guy: “Sweetie, let me pay for your stuff.”
Girl: “FINE!” *storms off*
Me: *thinking to myself* “What the f*** is going on?”
(I looked at what she was purchasing and realized that the only thing was a home pregnancy test.)
This story is part of the Pregnancy Roundup!
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