(This takes place when I am in grade 12. We have exam blocks for the final week of each term. If you have a subject that has exams — not all subjects do — you have to go to sit it, but all the other days you can stay home. I catch a flu in June, which is winter for us, at the end of the second term. It is quite bad, but I get to spend most of the week at home except for when I have my maths exam. I have to walk to the school to take it, so by the time I get there, I already feel quite sick. In the middle of the exam, however, I have a violent coughing spurt, to the extent that I can barely breathe. You’re only allowed your pencil case and water during the exam, so there is nothing I can do except wait for it to pass. Despite teachers patrolling to ensure no cheating, none bother to help me. After about fifteen minutes of solid coughing and hacking, it subsides and I can get on with the exam. This occurs afterwards.)

Me: *to my best friend* “How do you think it went?”

Friend #1: “I think I did okay, but did you hear that coughing during the exam?”

(I didn’t hear anyone coughing aside from myself.)

Friend #2: “I know! It was so loud! It sounded like a dying lawn mower!”

Me: “…”

Friend #1: *laughs loudly*

Friend #2: *turning to me* “Did you hear it?”

Me: *long pause* “That was me; I have the flu.”

Friend #2: “Oh. Well, you sounded like a dying lawn mower!”

(Both friends started laughing. Thanks for the support, guys. I felt horribly sick, could barely breathe, and nearly passed out, but it’s good to know I sounded like a dying lawn mower.)

(I am working the cash register at a fast food restaurant. A pregnant woman comes up to me.)

Woman: “Hi, I’m in labor right now. Can I get a big glass of ice water?”

Me: *not sure I heard her correctly* “I… what?”

Woman: “Yeah, I just had a big contraction. Can I get some water?”

Me: “Uh… yeah, totally. Of course.”

(I grab her a cup and begin filling it with ice and water.)

Me: *jokingly* “So you’re not going to have the kid here, are you? I don’t know how to do that.”

Woman: *smirking* “No, I’m not going to have it here. Though you would not believe how backed up the highway is.”

(I give her the water and she rushes out. Her voice was strained throughout the conversation which makes total sense. I later told a coworker what I’d just gone through.)

Coworker: “Yeah, it happens. I had a woman in labor go through the drive-thru once.” *confused* “So you’ve been working food service for ten years and you’ve never had that happen once?”

Me: “Uh… no!”

(I work as a cleaner for a gym. I also have a bladder problem that makes me go to the bathroom a lot. Plus, this day I’m on my period, so I go.)

Boss: “Why were you in the bathroom for so long? I don’t pay you to go!”

Me: *embarrassed* “I have a bladder issue.”

Boss: “Whatever! Clean those mirrors!”

(I go, but the feeling comes back so I run back in the bathroom. I’m finishing up when I see two eyes peeping at me! They’re not [Boss], so I go to him.)

Me: “Did you send someone to peep at me?!”

Boss: “I had no choice! You were in there slacking off! My other employee saw you!”

Me: “I’m on my period! And it’s illegal to peep on someone while they’re on the toilet; it’s called voyeurism!”

Boss: “I didn’t do it! It was my employee!”

(I quit that day. Really, who sends someone to peep at others?)

(There has been a major blizzard. Though the walkways in the zoo have been partially ploughed, the snow is still rough, and the benches are totally snowed under. I misjudge my stamina, and find myself gasping for breath and in a fair amount of pain when I finally struggle through the snow into the closest zoo exhibit. I collapse on the nearest chair and concentrate on breathing.)

Volunteer: “There aren’t any polar bears out today.”

Me: *gasp* “Darn!” *gasp*

Volunteer: “But you can see the seals!”

Me: *gasp* “I doubt I can—” *gasp* “—walk that far.”*gasp*.

Volunteer: “Enjoy the exhibit!”

Me: “I’ll try to.” *gasp*. “Um, ma’am?” *gasp*

Volunteer: “Yes?”

Me: “I doubt I can safely make it back to the Administration Building.” *gasp* “Could you get someone to come over—” *gasp* “—with a cart or something?” *gasp* “I’ll gladly pay for it.”

Volunteer: “We don’t have anything like that.”

Me: “Not any motorized vehicle in—” *gasp*“—the entire zoo?”

Volunteer: “Nope!”

Me: “Okay, would you do me—” *gasp* “—a favor? Please call the—” *gasp* “—Admin Building and ask them to—” *gasp* “—watch for me. If I haven’t checked in with them in—” *gasp* “—45 minutes, would they please send someone back this—” *gasp* “—way to see what happened to me?”

(Then the volunteer picked up her walkie-talkie and phoned security to send a guy in a golf cart to drive me back.)

(We have a kitten who likes to sleep on our chests. Tonight she’s on mine, stretched out with her head under my chin. My brother and father are up. My brother is autistic, but even then he tends to do, say, and ask things that just make you think, “What the hell, man?”)

Me: “Ah, jeez. Look at this kitten.”

Dad: *laughs*

Brother: “What, on your stomach?”

Me: “That ain’t my stomach, bud.”

Brother: “Do women even have stomachs?”

(I stare at him before realizing that he’s completely serious.)

Me: “No, we have plastic bags in there that we pull out of our a**es.”

Father: “Yeah, they have to clean them out every day.”

Me: “Why do you think we’re in the bathroom for so long?”

Brother: “You could have said, ‘yes.’”

Me: “To be honest, you left that opportunity open to me.”