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Why You Never, Ever Share Toothbrushes

, , , , | Right | January 29, 2009

Customer: “I need to return this toothbrush.”

Me: “Do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “No. I thought it would work.”

Me: “How did it not work?”

Customer: “Well, it said it had indicator bristles, and when I peed on them they didn’t change color! How is it supposed to indicate if I’m pregnant or not?!”

Me: “Ma’am… they’re to indicate whether the toothbrush needs replacing, not whether you’re pregnant.”

Customer: *looks sheepish and leaves*

Me: *to manager* “I’m going on break now…”

He’s Dying – But He Looks Fabulous!

, , , , , | Right | January 29, 2009

Customer: *calling on the phone* “Hello, I’d like to make an appointment with the groomer. My dog won’t get up and walk around, and every time I touch his leg, he whimpers. I think it may be broken.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I don’t think the groomer is the best place to take an animal with a broken leg. Your best bet would be to call a vet, and have them look at the animal.”

Customer: “Vets are expensive. A groomer deals with animals as well. Shouldn’t they know everything a vet does?”

Me: “Ma’am, bringing a dog with a broken leg to a groomer is like bringing a kid with a broken leg to a hairdresser. I think a vet would be a much better choice.”

Customer: “Well, I NEVER! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Me: “I won’t lie to you; that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever had to say. You have a nice day.” *hangs up*

It Comes And Goes

, , , | Right | January 21, 2009

Customer: “Miss, is this a diet soda or a regular?”

Me: “Diet, sir – it’s what you ordered.”

Customer: “Are you SURE it’s diet?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I poured it myself.”

Customer: “Well, it had better be, because I’m allergic to sugar!”

Me: *later, taking the food order* “…and what would you like for dessert, sir?”

Customer: “Oh, I’ll have the chocolate cheesecake sundae.”

Fit To Be Wide

, , , , | Right | December 30, 2008

WARNING: This story contains health information and is not intended to be interpreted as medical advice.

(An angry female customer approaches me with a Nintendo Wii Fit and hands me her receipt.)

Me: “Hi, what can I help you with today?”

Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem with it?”

Customer: “I think it’s broken.”

Me: “All right, what’s going on?”

Customer: “Whenever it weighs me and calculates my BMI, it labels me as obese.”

Me: “And…”

Customer: “Well, that can’t be right!”

Me: “From what I’ve heard, the measurements on Wii Fits are fairly accurate. Are you sure you want to return this? They’re pretty hard to find.”

Customer: “Are you calling me fat?!”

Me: “No, I’m just saying that…”

Customer: “You just called me fat!

Me: “No, I was just saying…”

Customer: “Whatever. I still want to return it. It’s obviously not working right. And, I think someone should talk to the designer; make them use a different word. It hurt my feelings.”

Me: *soothingly* “Maybe you could contact Nintendo; write a letter or something.”

Customer: “You know what, I will! I’ll let them know that their stupid game called me obese and made me cry for three hours straight. I haven’t eaten solid food for two days because of it. I’m so hungry! I almost fainted last night. Do you think I can sue?”

Me: “Well, you can sure try. Have a nice day.”

The Produce Section Is Too Deep To Ford

, , , | Right | December 18, 2008

(I was a customer observing this exchange.)

Customer: *picks up an apple and takes a large bite out of it*

Employee: “Sir, what are you doing?”

Customer: “I’m sampling an apple to make sure it’s not mealy. The last apples I got here were all mealy.”

Employee: “Er… it’s generally not a very good idea to do that… those aren’t washed.”

Customer: *sets the apple back down* “YOU DON’T WASH THEM?! Don’t you know you can spread dysentery?!”

Employee: “They’re washed before they come in here, but we can’t wash them on the shelf. And sir, you have to pay for that.”

Customer: “F*** that! I’m not paying for something that’ll give me dysentery!”

Employee: “We can’t sell an apple that has a HUGE BITE taken out of it!”

Customer: *stomps off*

Customer #2: *observing nearby “Someone should tell him, ‘You have died of dysentery.'”