CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I am taking a first aid training course as part of a job requirement. Every student in the class is male, and the only female is the instructor.)

Instructor: “Now we’re going to go over Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, or CPR. Let’s go grab our test dummies.”

(The test dummies used for CPR practice are realistic replicas of a woman’s head and torso. A lot of the students feel uncomfortable with this practice, as it involves undressing the dummy and pushing on its chest.)

Instructor: “Come on! You’re all big boys, now. Put some muscle into it! This is literally the only time it’s legal for you to grab an unconscious woman’s boobs!”

(I have a handicap; I’m missing about half of my left arm. I’m ALWAYS the first to bring it into a joke. The following takes place as I am giving the customer his fishing license.)

Customer: “I’d like to get the shoreline fishing license.”

Me: “Okay. I need your ID, please.”

Customer: “My wife’s got it, but I’m in the system.”

Me: “Welcome to SkyNet.”

Customer: *laughing, goes and gets his ID* “You a Terminator?”

Me: “Only part time.” *points at left arm* “This is for the different attachments.”

Customer: *laughing hard*

(My dad is working outside and cuts off his index finger and thumb. We call 911, and after they get him into an ambulance and on the way to the hospital, my mom and I get in the car and follow him. I start texting my older brothers to update them on the situation, since they don’t live at home anymore. My whole family has a very weird and sometimes dark sense of humor.)

Me: “Dad cut his fingers. They might have to amputate them. Mom and I are on the way. [Sister] already knows. I’ll update when I get any news.”

(After the initial shock has set in with both of them, they message me back.)

Brother #1: “Guess I have to take that guitar back, don’t I?”

Brother #2: “Too early for keyboard jokes?”

(After my dad is able to get out of the hospital, they start the jokes right back up.)

Brother #1: “That’s good that he can go home. Make sure he sits in the back; it’s not like he can point directions, anyway.”

Brother #2: “If he says he has a booger, make sure you say, ‘Not it!'”

Brother #1: “Start thinking of some good puns we can make.”

Me: “Already on it.”

Brother #2: “It’s all right that he lost a few; at least he has eight more.”

Brother #1: “He’s going to need a calculator; his counting is going to be way off from now on.”

Brother #2: “On the bright side, I’ve got a good Halloween idea planned already.”

Me: “He’s not going to be giving as many high-fives as he used to; it’ll be more like high-three-and-a-half.”

(I smoke medical marijuana for PTSD and fibromyalgia pain. It’s Valentine’s Day, and my wife comes home and tosses me a package.)

Wife: “Babe, I got you flowers!”

Me: “Aww, so sweet!”

(It was my order of weed buds, aka “flowers.”)

(One of my coworkers, [Coworker #1], has had to go home. She walks past us in tears.)

Coworker #2: “I’m going to run after [Coworker #1] to make sure she’s okay.”

([Coworker #2] is back a few minutes later. She doesn’t look worried; in fact, she just rolls her eyes and shakes her head.)

Me: “What was wrong?”

Coworker #2: “Remember when [Coworker #1] told us that she and [Husband] had decided to start trying for a baby, so she was going to stop taking the pill?”

Me: “Yes, it was just a few days ago.”

Coworker #2: “Well, she got her period today and is now upset because she didn’t fall pregnant right away.”