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It’s Called Healthyitis

, , , | Healthy Right | April 16, 2009

Me: “Thank you for waiting. My name is [My Name]. What is your call regarding?”

Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”

Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”

Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”

Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”

Patient: “Actually, none.”

Me: “You are experiencing no symptoms?”

Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”

Put Your Liquor Where Your Mouth Is

, , , | Right | April 15, 2009

(I work at the hotel bar, and at the time was the only one on duty. Two days before I’d jammed my fingers in a door and as such couldn’t use my left hand properly, and was wearing a bandage so the guests would see. We also shake our drinks using a shaker and glass so the customers get a bit of a show.)

Customer: “I’d like a Sex on the Beach, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t make any shaken drinks at the moment since I can’t use my left hand.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, can you make something else that’s shaken?”

Me: “Um, no. My hand is injured, and shaking one-handed isn’t a good idea.”

Customer: “You just don’t know how to make the drink, do you? Trying to get away with something simple?”

Me: *proceed to tell him the recipe of several shaken drinks* “…but I can’t do that because of my hand.”

Customer: “I bet you I could shake one-handed. You’re just inept.”

Me: “If you can do that, the drink’s on the house, but I won’t be responsible for any damages or spills.”

Customer: “I’ve got a free drink then.”

(He tries to shake it, and inevitably screws up, breaking the glass and spilling ingredients all over himself.)

Customer: “I want a refund!” *storms out*

Maybe He’s Molting

, , , | Right | April 11, 2009

(Many young couples with young children belong to my pool, and many of them ask a lot of questions. A man leads his six-year-old son into our guard office.)

Pool Patron: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Me: “Yes, sir? Can I help you?”

Pool Patron: “I’m very scared my son is in trouble.”

Me: “Is he okay? Did he hurt himself in the pool? Are there any major injuries?”

Pool Patron: “His skin is all wrinkled and soft. It feels strange. Is it going to fall off?”

Me: “Sir, that happens to everyone’s skin who has been in water for an extended period of time.”

Pool Patron: “So, his skin won’t fall off, right?”

Healthy Without The Hassle

, , , | Right | April 10, 2009

Me: “Would you like any soup or salad?”

Customer: “Yes, a garden salad, please.”

Me: “All right, would you like any dressing?”

Customer: “Ranch. Oh, and can you make sure that the garden salad doesn’t have any vegetables?”

Me: “No vegetables?”

Customer: “Yes. No vegetables at all. No tomatoes, no lettuce, no carrots, no vegetables!”

Me: “But ma’am, if you order a no-vegetable garden salad, then all you’ll have is the dressing.”

Customer: “…garden salads are vegetable salads?”

Delicious, Perhaps Not So Nutritious

, , | Right | April 9, 2009

(A blond freshman girl comes in with a few of her friends.)

Customer: “Oh, my gosh! You guys are out of oranges!”

Me: “Yeah, sorry. But we have apples and bananas, and orange juice.”

Customer: “No! Your guys’ apples suck! And I’m going on a HIKE; I need an orange!”

Me: “Well…”

Customer: “No, no, it’s okay. I understand.”

(She suddenly notices a display of baked goods next to her.)

Customer: “Oh, my gosh, are those chocolate cupcakes vegan?”

Me: “Yeah, I think so. I can check.”

Customer: “Well, I just want to know if it’s healthy. You know, vegan equals healthy.”

Me: “…it’s a cupcake.”

(She stared at the expression on my face for a second, and then walked out.)