(Ringing up a customer:)

Me: “Hi! How are—“

Customer: “Yes, I am.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “I am high!”

(I have special needs and have run out of my meds. My mother has taken me, a young man of almost twenty-one, and several of my younger siblings with her on a two-hour shopping trip. Before we go home, we go through a drive-thru at a fast food place, given we have been out for two hours. As my mom is paying for the ice cream treats we usually order, I start messing around with the car window, making it go up and down by like, a centimeter at a time. Finally, I turn to her.)

Me: “I need my medication; this is way too entertaining.”

(My mother burst out laughing immediately.)

(I work as a librarian at a university library. A very tall, awkward guy approaches me.)

Patron: *avoiding eye contact* “Do you have a book on sexual growth and development? Because I’m very confused right now.”

(Unfortunately, we didn’t have any books but I directed him to one of my male coworkers.)

(I am a young woman with multiple health problems, which have left me in a wheelchair currently. On top of that, my left eye is light-sensitive, red, and watery. I’ve had it checked out by the doctor, but they think it was just a bit of dust, and it’s fixing itself. However, I get to look like I’m crying from the left all the time until it goes away.)

Husband: “Aw, is someone a widdle sad?” *makes mock-crying noises*

Me: “Yes, that is what you’ll sound like… after I shank you in the kidney!”

Husband: “Oooh, ouch. It’s a good thing I love your adorable violent streak.”

Me: “I wonder how much you’ll love it after peeing blood for a few weeks.”

Husband: “Probably less so, then.”

(I am at the front counter, barely in view of the liquor section. I spot a man hanging around there for about ten minutes, and then he attempts to leave casually with his suspiciously bloated coat.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir.”

(The thief stops dead.)

Me: “Could you open your coat, sir?”

Thief: “Why?”

Me: “Please open your coat.”

(The thief proceeded to walk towards the exit when he slipped and fell flat on his front, smashing all the bottles he had kept hidden in his coat. The drinks gushed out and the glass fragments were lodged into the thief’s chest, causing him severe bleeding. He was quickly rushed to the hospital where he received stitches and a pair of handcuffs for attempted robbery.)