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Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

, , , , | Right | August 20, 2008

Drunk Customer: “Nice hair, man! ”

Me: “Uh, thanks…”

Drunk Customer: “Grow that s**t out, man! Hair farming is not out of style!”

(Two nights later he returns, much less drunk this time.)

Same customer: “GET A F****ING HAIR CUT!”

(You gotta love working late at a gas station in Methville, USA.)

A Little Bit Too Honest There

, , , , , | Right | August 16, 2008

(I used to work at a sporting goods store. One day a young guy of about 12-14 years of age comes in.)

Customer: “Hi, can you tell me where I can find a jock, like, for playing baseball?”

Me: “Oh, you mean a protective cup? Sure, they’re right over here.”

Customer: “Thanks. Oh, are there sizes?”

Me: “Yeah, they’re–”

Customer: *whispers* “I think I’m a small.”

Me: “They’re according to waistband.”

Customer: “Oh…”

Me: “I’ll be over there if you need anything else.”


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Horizontal Distance, Loopy Thinking

, , , , | Right | August 10, 2008

Me: “Good evening, thanks for calling [Hotel]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. I’m with the [Name] wedding party.”

(I take down his information for dates he’ll be staying and size of beds. Then, we get to the type of room…)

Me: “And would you like a standard room, or would you prefer poolside, or could I interest you in a suite or other luxury room?”

Customer: “I want a standard room. It needs to be near an elevator, because my wife has back problems.”

Me: “We also have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside, which would be much less walking.”

Customer: “No. I want it near an elevator.”

Me: “Sir–”

Customer: “It’s about the horizontal distance.”

Me: “Sir, there is no parking near the elevators, and it would be farther for her to walk to the elevator.”

Customer: “She can take elevators. It’s about the horizontal distance.”

Me: “Yes, sir. I understand, but we have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside. It would be much closer than if you had to park and then take the elevator.”

Customer: “I want to be near the elevator!”

(I put him in one of the standard ground floor rooms anyway with adjacent parking, for the sake of his wife.)

Thirteen Bucks Can Buy A Lot Of Beans

, , , , , | Right | August 4, 2008

Customer: “I hear there’s this stuff you can put on your food that won’t give you gas.”

Me: “Oh, yeah… it’s called Beano. Put a couple of drops on your food and the enzymes in it prevent the food from giving you gas.”

Customer: “So, you have it?”

Me: “Yep. I’ll show you.”

(We walk over to the shelf where Beano is kept. I show him the little 3 or 4 oz. bottle; a little goes a long way with that stuff.)

Me: “This is it.”

Customer: “How much?”

Me: “$12.99.”

Customer: “For THAT little bottle? S***, I’ll just fart!”

Just Quit While You’re Ahead, Part 2

, , , , | Right | July 31, 2008

Me: “Hi, I haven’t seen you in a while! How are you?”

Elderly Resident: “Good. You’re getting chubby.”

Me: “Really? I’ve been working out every day for about a month now.”

Elderly Resident: “Oh… maybe your boobs are just getting smaller.”


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