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You Say To-mah-to, I Say Pot-tah-to

, , , , , | Right | March 20, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Garden Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Yeah, I have mites on my, uh… tomato plants. I need something to put on them to kill the mites”

Me: “Well, sir, we have many different types of sprays and powders for bug eradication that can work.”

Caller: “I need something that can work indoors.”

Me: “Indoors? Like a greenhouse? Because the products we have are all-natural and can be used in a greenhouse.”

Caller: “I mean indoors like in my house. I don’t want to use a spray in the closet in my room.”

Me: “Sir, you’re growing tomatoes in your closet?”

Caller: “Uh, yeah… so what can I use?”

Me: “Well, we have a powder made of diatomes you can use to kill the mites, and you can still eat the tomatoes without any issue. It’s all-natural and perfectly safe.”

Caller: “That sounds good, but… umm, what if I were to smoke the tomato plant? Would that still be safe?”

(I finally realize he’s NOT really talking about tomatoes.)

Me: “Umm, sir, tomato plants are part of the nightshade family and are actually poisonous if ingested. I wouldn’t recommend smoking them or eating the plant itself. Just the tomato.”

Caller: “But, if I had a plant that was smokeable, I could use the powder stuff and it would be okay?”

Me: “Yeah, just make sure you wash it well before you um… smoke it… as you would with any home-grown vegetables and fruits.”

Caller: “You’re sure? Because I don’t wanna die for smoking something I’m not supposed to.”

Me: “Then make sure you aren’t smoking the tomato plants in your closet and you’ll be fine. Have a nice day!”

Looks Real Good, Hurts Real Bad

, , , | Right | March 19, 2009

(I had a bag of large crystal beads salvaged from a chandelier. The beads were the size of my palm and very heavy. As I put them away in one of my bead boxes, a teenage girl walked up to my booth at a craft fair.)

Girl: “Hi! I love your stuff! Do you do custom orders?”

Me: “Yes, I do! Here, look through some of these bead boxes and tell me what you like.”

Girl: “Okay!”

(She looks through some boxes and gasps as she discovers the large crystal beads.)

Girl: “I love these! Can you make a pair of earrings with these?!”

Me: “Oh! Ha ha, those beads are for a lamp I’m making. They’re too heavy to use as earrings. May I interest you in a much smaller and lighter version of those beads?”

Girl: “NO! I want these! They’re so pretty and… bling-bling!”

Me: “Your piercings would sag if you wore those. Let me–”

Girl: “No! I’m the customer and this is what I want!”

Me: *sighing* “Fine. Come back in a few minutes, and I’ll have them done. It’ll be $12.”

(The girl looks at some other booths while I make her earrings. She returns, asks for her earrings, and pays for them.)

Girl: *putting on earrings “I love them! Thank you so much!”

Me: “Okay. Thank you, and remember what I said about the beads.”

Girl: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. The beads are like crazy light!”

(The girl leaves, looking ridiculous with the earrings, but then returns about half an hour later.)

Girl: “My ears are killing me!”

Me: “I told you the beads were too heavy, but you still wanted them!”

Girl: “It’s not the beads, it’s the wire! I must be allergic to it.”

Me: “There’s no need to yell. I use hypoallergenic materials in all my pieces. There’s no way you can be allergic to it. It’s because the beads are too heavy. I can give you a refund, but you have to give me the earrings back.”

Girl: “No! It must be the glass, then. I’m allergic to the glass! What kind of glass is this?”

Me: “…allergic to glass? Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘with beauty comes pain’? Well, this explains it.”

Girl: “Oh! I get it now! Wow, if it hurts this much I must look A-MA-ZING! *skips off*

Disease Or Not, You’re Still A Douche

, , , , , | Right | March 12, 2009

(A customer has just finished placing a rather large and pricey order of several large popcorns loaded with butter, large drinks, and random candies.)

Me: “That’ll come to $55.75, sir.”

Customer: “Oh… I have cancer.”

Me: “Um… I’m sorry.”

Customer: “So, I don’t have to pay, right?”

Me: “No, you still have to pay.”

Customer: “Why? I’m a cancer patient!”

Me: “You’re also trying to walk away with nearly $60 in concession items. I’m sorry, but I can’t give that to you because you have cancer.”

Customer: “Oh, come on! What if I told you I had heart disease?”

Me: “I guess I’d have to ask why you’re in such a rush to kill yourself?”

Comprehension Hazy, Try Again

, , , | Right | March 4, 2009

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. Where it says ‘frame includes single-vision lenses,’ does that mean I can’t have trifocals?”

Me: “No, it just means that the cost of the frame includes the price of single-vision lenses. If you wanted trifocals we would charge you the upgrade price to have them. They start at £49 on top of the frame.”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “The difference between single-vision or trifocals?”

Me: Oh, well, trifocals give you three different magnifications, into distance, intermediate and reading. Single-vision will only give you one of those.”

Customer: “Why can’t I have a single-vision lens that does all of those?”

Me: *checking her prescription* “…because your eyes need different levels of magnification to see each one clearly.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “When you are over forty, your eyes start to become lazy and have trouble focusing on close-up things, as well as things that are far away.”

Customer: “I’m not lazy just because I’m over forty! Let me speak to your manager! I have never been so insulted!”

Customer Service Saves Another Life

, , , | Right | February 26, 2009

Customer: “How many pine nuts are in your ‘Lemon Orzo with Pine Nuts’?”

Me: “A good amount, why?”

Customer: “Because my husband is allergic, and I was just wondering how much I’d be able to give to him.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, do you like your husband?”

Customer: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Because it could very well kill him.”

Customer: “…”

Me: *nodding*

Customer: “Oh…”