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At Least Someone Is Receiving Maintenance…

, , , , , | Right | April 30, 2009

(I work at an asthma and allergy specialists office. A mom calls me five minutes to 5:00 pm on a Friday. We are getting ready to close for the weekend.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Clinic]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need to bring my son in…”

Me: “Ma’am, we close our office at 5:00 pm, and we don’t work weekends. Would you like to talk to the nurse?”

Caller: “No, he needs to see a doctor right now!”

Me: “Well, we have our doctor on call — you’re more than welcome to call him. He can answer your questions and help with anything–”

Caller: “Do you speak English?! I just told you that my son needs to be seen right now! He’s had this cough since Monday, and he hasn’t been breathing right since he got it!”

Me: “Well, it seems that if he’s been that bad since Monday, you would have brought him in then to be seen, or even Tuesday, and not wait until the weekend to call…”

Caller: “I was really busy this week! I had an appointment at the salon almost every day after work to get my hair done, my nails… I just didn’t have time! I have time today because the stylist just called me; she had an emergency and had to re-schedule.”

Me: “Ma’am, right now our office is closed. Please take your son to the emergency room, as it seems like he needs to be seen immediately to have that cough taken care of.”

Caller: *very agitated* “If I take him to the ER, that’s a $100.00 copay! That would eat into my salon funds!”

Me: “…”

For The Love Of God, Gestate

, , , | Right | April 30, 2009

Customer: “Hi, can I speak with [Another Employee] in the keyboards department?”

Me: “I’m afraid [Another Employee] is on maternity leave. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Well, when is she coming back?”

Me: “Realistically, in about a year.”

Customer: “Well, can she hurry it up?!”

Me: “She’s… having a baby.”

Customer: “I know that! Just tell her to hurry it up!” *hangs up*

Common Sense Is Not That High-Reaching…

, , , | Right | April 28, 2009

(This was during a first-stage fire alarm in the hotel, which was already verified to be a false alarm.)

Guest: *completely oblivious to the fire alarm* “The elevators aren’t working properly!”

Me: “The elevators won’t work during a fire alarm, but we already know it’s a false alarm. It will take us about 5 minutes to reset the elevator doors. If you need to get to your room right now the stairs are just outside those doors.” *pointing*

Guest: “Why won’t they work? I don’t get it.”

Me: “In a real emergency such as a fire, it is unsafe for anyone to use the elevators. I assure you it’s a pretty standard procedure. If you need to get up right away I can show you the stairs.”

Guest: “Well, that’s just unsafe! What do the people trapped on the upper floors do?! HOW DO THEY GET DOWN DURING A FIRE?!”

Nearby Guest: *patiently waiting for the elevator to be re-set* “They use the same stairs you were told to use!”

Guest: “Well, I’m not from the city, I don’t know these things!”

I’m A Mac, With Reinforcements

, , , , | Right | April 28, 2009

Customer: “How much is this iPod Touch thingy?”

Me: “$229, sir.”

Customer: “Now, I’ve heard that these things can get the Internet, right?”

Me: “That’s correct.”

Customer: “How does it get the Internet without any wires?”

Me: “Well, it works the same way a computer would; you can connect to any Wi-Fi netwo-”

Customer: “WHOA! Wi-Fi? I can’t use Wi-Fi!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Haven’t you heard?”

Me: “…no?”

Customer: “Wi-Fi is what causes cancer. People are getting cancer more and more because we keep expanding our Wi-Fi networks. I’m only safe because of this!”

(He pulls out a pendant he was wearing as a necklace under his shirt. It is a cylindrical white plastic container with a radioactive sticker on it.)

Customer: “This thing right here protects me! It’s protecting you right now too!”

Me: “Oh… OK…”

Customer: “Yeah. Inside of this, there’s a thing that goes faster than the speed of light!”

(He starts to flap his arms wildly in a circle to demonstrate ‘faster than light,’ while making a ‘whoosh’ sound.)

Me: “…cool…”

Customer: “YEAH, IT IS! On TV they try to tell us that things can’t travel faster than the speed of light, but I know that’s garbage! They just want us to get cancer. You NEED to get one of these things, man!”

Me: “Um… yeah. Well, I’m sorry about the iPod then. Is there anything else you need help with?”

Customer: “What? I want the iPod!”

Me: “I thought it would give you cancer?”

Customer: “No. I’m PROTECTED.”

Me: “…”

Pinheaded, Part 2

, , , , | Right | April 28, 2009

(I’m a greenskeeper on a golf course and am doing some work on a green, moving the hole. I pull the pin (flag) out, which is the universal symbol for “the green is closed; don’t shoot.” As I’m doing my work, this happens…)

Member: “Fore on the green! Fore on the green!”

(I look up to see blue sky and a little white speck flying at me. I turn my back and the golf ball hits me square in my one good kidney. I drop like a bag of potatoes, and the member casually strolls up to the green.)

Member: “Are you okay?”

Me: “No, I need to get to a hospital. It hit my good kidney.”

Member: “What the h*** were you doing on the green? You’re not supp–”

Me: “Did you just hear me? I need an ambulance!”

Member: “Don’t interrupt me, you little a**-hole! Now move so I can putt!”

(I grab my radio and get my superintendent, who rushes out in his cart on the phone with 911. After he hangs up, he turns to the member.)

Superintendent: “Didn’t you see the pin was down?! You could have killed him!

Member: “He shouldn’t be on the green during play! It’s his own fault!”

(They continue arguing for a few moments until the ambulance shows up. As the EMT is getting me on a stretcher, she asks the member…)

EMT: “If the pin was down, what were you aiming for?”

Member: “Him.”

Superintendent: “You aimed… for him?”

Member: “I figured he’d be close to the hole. I mean… the pin was down! I had to aim for something!”

Superintendent: “You’re a f****** idiot!”

(I found out later that the member was kicked out of the country club, and his $50,000 initiation fee, as well as his $15,000 yearly dues, were not refunded.)


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