Jesus, Now Peanut Free!

, , , , | Right | February 9, 2008

(It is Ash Wednesday and we have kids from next door come over for Mass in the morning. I’m serving as a communion minister as the kids start to come up. One little guy comes up right away and just stands there with his hands at his sides looking at me.)

Me: “Do you take communion yet?”

Boy: “Do those have peanuts?”

Me: “?”

Boy: “‘Cause I can’t have peanuts.”

Me: “No peanuts here, but have you had communion yet?”

Boy: “I don’t think I should, just in case there’s peanuts. I can’t have any.”

Me: “How about we just give you a blessing, then?”

(I make the sign of a cross on his forehead and give him a blessing.)

Boy: “Thanks, maybe next time there won’t be any peanuts. I can’t have those.”

(I wonder if we should make up a “Jesus – Now Peanut Free!” sign, just in case.)


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I Gave Birth To A Guinea Pig

, , , , | Right | January 29, 2008

Me: “Hi there, ma’am. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: *with her young son* “Yeah, could I have a piece of that bologna so my son can taste it?”

Me: “Sure. Would you like to try it, too?”

Customer: “Oh, no, thanks. I just want to see if my son is allergic.”

Me: “…”


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Why Alcohol And Customers Don’t Mix

, , , | Right | January 8, 2008

Me: “The Medic Recordings, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “You know why I’m calling! Can I just come?!”

Me: “Ma’am, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “Oh yes I’m sorry, it’s my son. He’s very sick.”

Me: “Ma’am this is a recording studio. Are you sure you dialed the right number?”

Customer: “WHAT?! The phone book says ‘The Medic’!”

Me: “Uh… it says The Medic Recordings, I believe…”

Customer: “This is ridiculous, I don’t care what you are. I’m coming in, my son has a terrible fever!”

Me: “Ma’am I don’t think we could help you–”

Customer: “JUST BE READY!”

*Click*

(Sure enough, she showed up about fifteen minutes later and was obviously drunk because she had no son nor did she know why she came.)

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Think Unsexy Thoughts

, , , | Right | January 7, 2008

Elderly Female: “I didn’t know they had digital scales.”

Me: *rings through scale* “Yup, they’re pretty cool.”

Elderly Female: “Are they accurate?”

Me: “I believe so, they measure to one decimal place too so it’s more accurate to read than a normal scale.”

Elderly Female: “Oh that’s so lovely! I’m going to go home now and weigh myself naked!”

Me: *bad bad image in head*

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On The Acoustical Properties of Wheelchairs

, , | Right | October 28, 2007

Customer: “You’ll have to speak up, love. I’m in a wheelchair!”

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