(There has been some recent heavy rain. A library patron alerts us to an elderly woman with a walking frame who has slipped outside in front of the library. We call an ambulance and I sit with her until it arrives; she is in a lot of pain. The ambulance eventually arrives and they are trying to transfer her to a stretcher. She seems to be a little confused, won’t let go of my hand, and thinks I’m her daughter. At this point, one of our more demanding regulars approaches:)

Regular: “Ah, [My Name], good, you’re not doing anything. Your Wi-Fi is very slow today; can you fix it?”

Me: “No, I can’t right now. Can you ask someone who is inside?”

Regular: “There is a line inside.”

Me: “Well, go and stand in it.”

(He walks back inside.)

Paramedic: “Wow.”

Me: “Yeah.”

My wife and I were staying at a decent four-star hotel. The service was lovely except for the fact that all the workers seemed to wear the same gods-awful perfume. It wouldn’t have been that big of a deal, but my wife is deathly allergic to artificial scents. It’s not “getting a runny nose and watery eyes” allergic, it’s “her throat closes up” allergic.

I made a note to the lady at the front desk to put down “no heavy perfumes” on their notes for us as guests in the system, and to notify the rest of the staff. The front desk lady was very kind and put it in, and she even called up the manager to let him know. He was also very nice.

We came home from a day exploring the city. Considering we live in a rural town, it was wonderful. The desk lady that checked us in greeted us when we came back and told us to have a wonderful evening. We told her the same and retired to our room.

When we walked in, the stench of the workers’ perfume was everywhere, and me being the concerned wife I am, I dragged my wife out, handed her the inhaler, and gave her a filtration mask. That wasn’t enough and we went down to the lobby. The receptionist saw my wife and dialed an ambulance immediately.

Meanwhile, the afternoon cleaning lady came down. She saw my wife and said, “Oh, bravo. What good effects makeup. Your wife is a good actress. I hope you enjoy our signature perfume; the room is non-refundable.”

When the ambulance got there, cops also came.

I don’t know what happened to the cleaning lady, but when we came back last month, a good two years after this story took place, the kind front desk lady had been promoted to manager and offered us a discounted visit due to our last visit. We bought her some candy and enjoyed our perfume-disasterless vacation.

I somehow have inherited rather unusual quirks regarding the control around my right eye — only the right. Part of this quirk means I can make what is referred to as the lacrimal papilla twitch rapidly; imagine the location where girls put lower eyeliner, twitching towards the tear ducts. 

This also means I can make my eyelids twitch on command, so it looks like I’ve either been under stress or had to just deal with the stupidest request ever. 

This is great in retail with exceedingly ignorant or just plain irritating customers, because all I have ever had to do with an unreasonable request is smile brightly, act politely, add on the twitch, and they believe they have just been unbearable to the point of stress that they usually have backed right off.

I worked in a building catering to various businesses at the time and we were informed that a few people within the building had recently come down with hepatitis and we should pay extra attention to hygiene. I’m usually a bit casual about it but I took this one seriously. I don’t remember the type, but it was one that you could get vaccinated for. 

One day, I noticed that we were out of soap but my concern was laughed at. The next day, I saw a coworker leaving the toilets without washing her hands. I confronted her. I was flabbergasted when she replied, “Oh, no. It is not a problem; I’m vaccinated.”‘ 

I know she just resigned to go work in a café, and for health and safety, those vaccines are mandatory. I just checked which café it was again — not out of interest, but just to make sure I don’t wander into it by accident.

I was sitting in my car, waiting at a red light, when I heard the bang of something hitting the passenger side of my car, behind the door. I looked over my shoulder and in the side mirror but didn’t see anything. The light then changed to green, and the road was busy and extra narrow because of construction, so if I got out of my car to look, I’d have been holding up all sorts of traffic. I started to go, but the car behind me honked. I knew something was wrong so I put my car in park and got out — to find a skateboarder under my car!

He had — I would guess — lost control on the bumps of the torn-up sidewalk, hit my car, and then climbed under my car to retrieve his board. His hip was near my back tire and I would have cut him in two had the car behind not honked.