Saved The Best Joke For Last

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 2, 2017

My family used to have a friend that came to every family event that we invited him to. He was one of the funniest people I’ve ever known. He was funny, caring, and kind. The only problem with him was that he was always at least half-an-hour late. Every time we’d confront him on this issue, he would laugh it off, make a few jokes, and state, “At least I’m not late to my own funeral.”

A few years later, the friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given a life expectancy of a few weeks. He was also late to the appointment. When he passed, my family and his family both came together at a church for the service. We waited for nearly an hour, wondering why the funeral was taking such a long time to start, until the news came.

The hearse carrying his body got stuck in traffic due to an accident, causing the delay. After my dad passed the message, everybody looked at each other with the same thought.

He was late to his own f****** funeral.

Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 16

, , , , | Right | November 2, 2017

(I’m having a pregnancy test done at a local clinic. After I get a positive result, they go over some things with me. The nurse is asking me basic questions about daily habits and my lifestyle.)

Nurse: “All right, do you smoke?”

Me: “Nope.”

Nurse: “Drink alcohol?”

Me: “Not at all.”

Nurse: “Do you plan on starting?”

Me: “Not anytime soon.”

Nurse: “Oh, thank God! I don’t have to try to talk sense into you.”

Me: “Do people really think they can smoke and drink during pregnancy?”

Nurse: “More than you’d think.”

Failed The Pregnancy Test

, , , , | Working | November 1, 2017

(I’m picking up a prescription along with a couple of purchases.)

Cashier: “Here you are, sir. Also, would you be interested in our pregnancy tests?”

Me: “Uh, I’m male, so, no.”

Cashier: “Perhaps for your girlfriend?”

Me: “No?”

Cashier: “Come on, now. A strapping young man like yourself? It’s always good to be safe.”

Me: “I’m really not interested. I doubt a pregnancy test would even be effective with me. A condom sounds more reliable.”

Cashier: “Ah, but they can fail!”

Me: “It’s still a no.”

Cashier: *suddenly furious* “WELL, WHY NOT?”

Me: “Because I think it’s doubtful my boyfriend will come up to me and say he might be pregnant.”

Cashier: *pauses* “Oh, well, you didn’t have to be so rude!”

(After I paid and before the receipt printed, the cashier just walked away. The kicker: I go there every year for gay sexual health checkups. He actually knows my boyfriend and me well, and he has always known that I’m gay.)

Giving You Something To Wine About

, , , , , , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(I’m working the closing shift at a drugstore. About an hour before we close, the manager notices someone has been in the women’s restroom for about half an hour. The manager goes to talk to her, and this happens:)

Manager: *knocking on door* “Ma’am, are you okay?”

Lady In Bathroom: “UHH!”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Manager: “She won’t talk to me. I’m going to call the police.”

(A sheriff’s deputy arrives shortly after.)

Officer: *knocking on door* “This is the police. Is everything all right?”

Lady In Bathroom: “UHH!”

(The police officer entered to investigate, and the lady was taken out of the store on a stretcher. I thought she might have just gotten sick, but after closing, while I was cleaning the bathrooms, there was vomit everywhere and I found a half-empty box of wine next to the toilet that the lady must’ve stolen off the shelf before drinking in the bathroom.)

It’s Halloween: Break A Leg!

, , , , , , , | Related | October 31, 2017

(My family makes a big deal out of Halloween. I’m trying to scare my older sister, but my prank goes wrong and she breaks her leg. As my mom and dad escort her out of the house:)

Mom: “I thought I told you to dial it back! This is way worse than werewolf-in-a-microwave.” *pause* “I can’t believe I just said that. Parenting is weird.”

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