The Explosive Subject Of Contraception

, , , , , | Friendly | August 31, 2017

(I’m talking quietly to a female friend about birth control at a party.)

Me: “So, my doctor recommended I get an IUD inserted—”

Eavesdropping Male Friend: *loudly* “Why’d your doctor tell you to get an IED inserted?”

(I had to explain to a roomful of people that no, my doctor hadn’t told me to get an improvised explosive device implanted in me.)

Unable To See The Weight Of The Matter

, , , , | Friendly | August 30, 2017

(I’ve just gotten out of the hospital for a busted appendix. I’ve been in the hospital for about a week due to complications, and before that I was walking around with an inflamed appendix for another five days. This means I haven’t had a real meal or solid food for almost two weeks, since I was too nauseous before going to the hospital to eat much. As a result, I’ve lost quite a bit of weight, and I didn’t have all that much to spare. I’m returning to my dorm, where a friend, who visited me in the hospital, lives across the hall from me.)

Me: *opening the door to my room*

Friend: *hears from her room and pops out of her room* “Hi! You’re back! How are you feeling?”

Me: “Pretty good! I’m still in some pain, but I’ve got medicine.”

Friend: “Wow! You lost a lot of weight!”

Me: “Yeah, well, I haven’t really eaten any solid food in two weeks.”

Friend: “Good job! You look great!” *goes back in room and shuts door*

Me: *speechless*

(I don’t know if she wasn’t paying attention or was actually promoting anorexia, but it soon became clear she had some other problems and we drifted apart. Probably for the best.)

Hear Yourself Before You Speak

, , , , , | Related | August 30, 2017

(My brother and his wife are over for dinner one night, and while we are setting the table, my brother notices a little dish with my father’s hearing aids in it. He didn’t know Dad had gotten them, he’s never seen them out of his ears.)

Brother: “What are those? Hearing aids?”

Me: “Yeah, they aren’t in Dad’s ears right now. Did you not know he had them?”

Brother: “No.” *to Dad* “When did you get your hearing aids?”

Dad: *in the living room* “What?”

(My brother and I laugh at him, and he looks on, confused.)

Me: “I couldn’t have scripted that better if I wanted to.”

Chained Down By The Reaper

, , , | Working | August 29, 2017

(i have to go to the ER because I have cut my finger while sharpening a scythe. The doctor interviews me about how it happened, for the letter which I’ll have to give to my GP for following check-ups. However, we soon encounter some difficulties communicating, because German isn’t the doctor’s mother tongue.)

Doctor: “Wow, that cut was rather deep. How did it happen?”

Me: “I’ve cut myself sharpening a scythe.”

Doctor: “Sorry, with what?”

Me: “A scythe.”

Doctor: *look of confusion*

Me: “A scythe. You know… that thing the grim reaper carries around?”

Doctor: *disbelieving look* “Oh, okay. I think I know what you mean.”

(I got my stitches and drove home. When I arrived, I took a look at the letter the doctor wrote and broke out laughing. “The patient cut himself with a chainsaw.” I guess Eastern European reapers are sort of hardcore.)

Dr. McCoy Will Be Right Over

, , , , , | Working | August 29, 2017

(I have been vomiting all morning and decide I am not well enough for work. I phone in sick.)

Me: “Hi, it’s [My Name]. I’ve been throwing up all morning and I’m not going to be able to come in.”

Manager: “Aww, that’s a poor excuse.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Manager: “Can’t you come up with something more exciting?”

Me: “Like what? I’ve just chest-burst a Xenomorph and now I’m fleeing for my life as Spock and Jack O’Neill try to kill it?”

Manager: “Oooooooh, sounds dangerous! When’s your next shift?”

Me: “Monday. Hopefully I’ll be better by then.”

Manager: Perfect! Good luck with the aliens, and let me know if you need the Millennium Falcon to drop by!” *hangs up*

Me: *speechless*

(I asked about it when I got back, and learned it’s a game that management plays. Whoever comes up with the best excuse in the year gets vouchers to use in the store, and as this was my first time being sick, I didn’t know. Sadly I only got second place that year, but now I keep a book of outlandish stories that I make up, so the next time, I’m ready!)

Page 38/71First...3637383940...Last
« Previous
Next »